


Who am I?

by cleolove



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: M/M, Nightmare
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-22
Updated: 2018-10-31
Packaged: 2018-12-05 11:33:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 40
Words: 66,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11577240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cleolove/pseuds/cleolove
Summary: "It was a normal and boring day like every day in the past five months...."But Robert your life isn't normal....or boring...





	1. Chapter 1

28 October 2017

"Faster, faster." - Rebecca was yelling beside me - "I don't think I can resist much longer." 

It was a normal and boring day like every day in the past five months, Rebecca carried me in one of his shopping days for the baby. Today was the turn of the toys. We already bought him more toys than he will never use. But when this morning she asked me to go with her, I couldn't refuse, I was trying very hardly to be a part of the future of this baby. 

But while we were at the store, she said that she wasn't feeling well at all and that probably she should go to the hospital. 

I was driving in a country road in order to run away from the trafic. Not my best move, in few minutes it was raining, actually we were in the middle of a storm, I became nervous while Rebecca kept screaming.  
I was worried about what could have happened to the baby or to her, the road was more slippery every minutes passed and for sure the lack of light wasn't helping.  
Everything happened in a moment, a lighting hit a tree in front of us, I didn't have time to decide. I acted instinctively, I turned the wheel to avoid the crash with the tree. I was going too fast and it was all too suddenly to do anything else.

The last thing that I remember it was screaming when we finished down a cliff.


	2. Chapter 2

29 Ottobre 2017

I was in the back of the pub having my breakfast, or maybe my lunch seeing the hour, while my mum was relaxing on his day off on the sofa. Suddenly Marlon came in "Please Chas, I need your help, I can't manage the pub and the kitchen on my own."   
"Ask Charity". Answered Chas without raising her eyes from the magazine she was reading.   
"She is nowhere to be seen."   
"Victoria?"  
"She isn't at work today, she went to the hospital on the first hours of the day and she didn't leave since then. She called to tell me that."   
"Why is she at the hospital?"   
"Don't you know? Robert has been involved in an accident." 

After that I didn't hear anything else. I didn't know how serious it was, but the only fact that Vic was still at the hospital didn't make me feel better. 

Liv was at school and my mum was busy at the pub, I didn't know what to do, but the fact that me and Robert weren't together anymore didn't change the fact that I cared about him, well, I loved him. 

When I arrived at the hospital, I went straight to ask where I could find him. A nurse gave me the indication for his room, but she said that I couldn't visit him, he was still in intensive care, I could sit in the waiting room thougt. 

"Intensive care"? It was something really serious then. Step after step my heart was beating faster and faster. When I arrived outside the waiting room I stopped a minute or so and I took some deep breaths. I was trying to calm myself, maybe wouldn't be that bad, but I had this feeling in my gut that told me otherwise. 

In the waiting room there were Diane, Doug and Vic. Vic was in a really bad state. It was obvious that she didn't sleep well. Her eyes were all red, probably she cried not too far ago, and her hair were escaping from her ponytail.   
The last time I saw Victoria like this was probably after Katie's death.   
When she saw me and our eyes met, I read scare in them, but I didn't have enough time to focus on it. She hugged me and began to cry.


	3. Chapter 3

"Oh Aaron, I'm so glad that you came." Vic was saying in my t-shirt. 

"Yes, in moments like this, the best thing is stay together." It was Diane that was speaking. 

I couldn't think anything rationally, their faces weren't the exact representation of hope. 

"Robert needs all people that love him by his side." Continued Diane. 

"Hey, Aaron are you ok? You look a bit pale." - Vic noticed - "Do you want a cup of tea? I can bring you something if you want." 

"Yes Aaron, you should sit down for a bit." It was Doug, I completely forgot about him, and it wasn't an easy thing considering is height. 

After I calmed myself a bit, and I began to breath normal again, I asked them what they knew about the accident.  
"So...ehm, do you actually know how it happened?" 

"Well, we know only what the police said to us, and for the moment are only suppositions." - Vic began - " Anyway, Rob's car was found around 5 am this morning by a man. He saw the car, between rocks, turned on his side, at the bottom of a cliff. Obviously Robert went outside the road."

Something like this didn't come on my mind. It was a miracle that Robert was still alive...for now. -'Why I'm thinking like that? I should keep positive.'- I was telling myself. 

"Across the road there was a tree" - Vic continued - "they think it was what caused the accident. But they said that Robert should have been able to avoid that, so maybe it crashed in front of him, we don't know for sure. The rescue were called in no time, but it wasn't an easy situation, the car was ended against a rock and one side and the front were completely destroyed, for sure the fact that Rob's car isn't a new one didn't helped. The only way to access and the fastest one anyway for the rescue was with an helicopter. Once that they arrived to the car, they weren't sure to find someone still breathing, between the crash and having spent the all night under the rain." - Vic was telling me what happened probably in the same way was told her, word by word, like she didn't want to forget anything of it. - " When they look inside, the spectacle wasn't the best but they managed to get the corps out, without damaging them even more..."

The corps?? Them?? 

"Vic, w-wait a minute, what do you mean with corps?" 

Vic stared me for a couple of seconds "Well, Robert wasn't alone in the car....Rebecca was with him." 

"Oh..." I didn't know what to say, I wasn't surprised anymore, in the last period they were usually spending some time together, but at the same time I was still a bit jealous when I knew that he was with her and not with me. "So...ehm...how is she? Is she alright?" 

The three of them were exchanging some weird looks, it was evident that they knew something that I didn't. 

"So? Where is she?" 

It was again the turn of Vic to speak, while her eyes became teary "She was on the side of the car that had the more damage,   
when they managed to bring her out, she was already gone." 

I was without words again, I mean, I didn't even know what I was thinking. But one more thing was bothering me.   
"The baby? Is he ok, right?"


	4. Chapter 4

For months I wished something like this, I knew it was wrong, it was sick. But it made me feel better, at least for a couple of minutes, then I realized that it would never happened and I would have to live with them around the village. 

I was in the corridor, trying to run away from that room, how could possibly the day turn in that mess? 

When I was outside the hospital, I followed the wall of the building until I knelt on the floor and I began to cry. 

I don't know how much stayed there, I think only a couple of minutes, 'cause when Vic arrived I was still crying. 

"Hey Aaron, are you ok?" Vic was asking next to me. 

"Talk to me, I know it's bad, I know it's the worst thing possible but right now the only thing that we can do is staying beside Robert. I barely know how he is right now, his conditions, the doctors didn't say a lot, only that we have to wait and see how he reacts. That, that's important." 

"Vic you don't understand. Some months ago I wanted this, I hoped that something like this would happened. I said it to Robert too. I said to him that I would feel better if this baby would die." Vic was staring back at me, she was surprised for what she has just heard. "Aaron you didn't cause this accident, this isn't your fault, you couldn't do anything." 

"Yeah but I wanted this, exactly like this, I acted like a egoist stupid little child. And now...now, it's happened and it's horrible. Now I'm here, I'm living this and this is a nightmare. A mother and her child died in a crash, and the father who, by the way will never see his son, is, who knows what conditions, in a hospital room. So no, I'm not ok, and maybe who knows if I acted differently that wouldn't have happened." I was a right mess, I felt guilty for not a particular reason but I didn't expect that she would lose the baby. And this child was Robert's. In the last months Robert was finally happy to become a dad and now when he'll wake up he'll never hold this baby between his arms. 

"Aaron come on, Diane texted me, we can visit Robert. We don't know how is going to be once that he'll wake up, we need to be strong for him. He we'll be a mess fiscally and mentally when he'll know what happened." 

This wasn't a normal accident, it was a nightmare. 

 

We were outside Robert's room watching through the glass. Diane e Doug were inside, Diane was sat on a chair beside the bad holding Robert's hand, one of the few parts of his body still undamaged.   
His left leg was plastered, an arm was all covered with bandages like is face, well we didn't see all his face, only his left side, the other part was all white with bandages too.   
Seeing him like this was earth breaking, a tear began to fall down my face. I believed to have cried enough but that was one of many tears to come. When my view became glassy, and my heart began to beat too faster I had to go but this time I take the car and I drive away, I had to clear my head, a least a little bit.


	5. Chapter 5

1 November 2017

I feel a little bit better given the circumstances. 

Vic kept me informed on Robert conditions.  
The doctors said to her that he broke a pair of ribs too, his left cheekbone is fractured so the left eye is falling down. He needs surgery and probably if his values would be normal they would do it in these days. But the most serious problem is the damage in his head. They don't know nothing for sure, they are doing some tests but it is necessary to wait until Robert would wake up. 

Basically from when I saw him a couple of days before, the conditions are even worse. Actually they are the same but I know much more information that give me a worse picture. 

But Vic was right, we have to stay beside him and hope in a fast recover. 

I have to see him. Sometimes I realize how Robert is alone, yeah Vic and Diane are his family but how good they know him? There are some things that he never said to anyone except me. 

 

When I arrive at the hospital, they tell me that they moved Robert in his room. 

Vic and Diane aren't here. I enter in the room and I place the chair next to the side of the bed in order to take his good hand between mines.

I hear his light breath through the machines. He is so broken right now but still so beautiful at my eyes.  
His big hand is still the same. I always liked his hands, so strong but at the same time still gentle and caring. They are so beautiful, skin pale but smooth and warm although his state. 

His eyelashes are so blonde, almost white, the darkest part of his face are his freckles. How many mornings I spent tracing every freckle with my mind, trying to remember every single spot? And now I can't complete the all image with only the right side visible. 

It is so painful watching him like that, there is too silence in the room except for the constant bip by the machines.  
With Robert is almost impossible stay in silence, but we gained a sort of equilibrium together. But right now we are like in a parallel universe where I have to do all the talking. 

"Hey, Robert, it's me." - I begin while I caress his nuckles with the thumb. - "I wanted to came here to talk to you before but, the lasts months weren't exactly easy to me, and I needed some time to reflect before doing a mess again of everything, because you know I have my faults for what happened. We made this together, the good and the bad things. I should have known you. I should have known that you wouldn't ever cheat on me this winter when we were so happy together, I shouldn't have push you away when I was inside. I shouldn't ever have push you away, but it was the easiest thing to do, and I did it so many times. I'm so sorry. And you are wrong by the way, I'm not so strong like you think, yeah maybe I am with some issues but with others I'm a coward, I bottle up so many things. I'm trying to be better but at the same time I can't and maybe, yes, maybe, you could have helped me if I would have talked to you. Sure you would have, 'cause you always understood me, and you were always by my side with every difficulty. Now this is my chance, I want to stay beside you for once. You said months ago that I need you, I don't know if it's true but for sure, from when we aren't together anymore I miss something. Maybe my life is more normal, more boring. Together we were so messed up that we couldn't be bored" -I can't avoid to smile saying that- "we hadn't a lot of moments to relax. A part when we woke up and we would have that beautiful sex. Oh, I miss that amazing sex." 

Thinking at these happy moments is possibly more difficult than thinking at the saddest one. 

"Together we were so happy, almost perfect like you said. I miss spending time with you, I miss you, Robert. And I'm so sad that happened all this to us. Oh, if you would be able to hear me right now, even for argue, and say mean things to each other. Robert we should really stay away from this kind of places, hospital, prison...we have history with hospitals, haven' t we? The last time it was me in a hospital bed and you were holding my hand, but the award for longer permanences is all yours. Two years ago basically we were in the same situation, only I was telling terrible things to you. Things that I wish I would never told to you because they weren't true at all and you are a fantastic person. But sometimes I forget that and I'm sorry because both of us have a particular personality. And if you were able to stay with me with my awful mood and help me in every situation, I should have been able to. I gave up to us to easily. That situation with Rebecca and the baby was my worst nightmare, but now with the recent events I feel so a bad person. Yeah, I should have understand that before, now when you'll wake up I only hope to be in good terms with you again, I can't hope anything else, we can't be together. It would be so selfish from me to want to be with you again now that the original problem of ours separation is gone." 

What a mess, maybe came here isn't the best idea. It is past already an hour and talking to a sleeping Robert made me only realize that we can't be back at how we were. But I owned him and I would be by his side until he would feel good enough. 

"You know, Robert, Vic told me today that the doctors should try to wake you up in a few days, and I promise you that I would be here when that will happen."


	6. Chapter 6

A week after the accident 

Today is the day. The doctors decided to wake up Robert. 

We are all here, Vic, Diane, Bernice, Doug and me with Liv who admitted few days back that in the last months she had missed him and now she is worried too. 

I'm beside the bed holding his hand, but after few hours he is still in the same position, nothing happened. I'm slightly worried, the others began to leave the room to get something for lunch. 

I end up to be alone with him. I need him to wake up, we all need him to wake up. 

I have to say that I love him at least one more time. I never said back to him enough, while he said to me again and again. 

I need to see his magnetic green eyes, or eye in this case. 

I need to hear him say my name with his amazing voice so warm and gentle. 

 

I must have fallen asleep while I was thinking about how I miss him, with my head on the mattress because I wake up when the people begin to reenter in the room. 

I feel that something changed but I can't understand what is it. He is in the same position, the rhythm of his breath is the same. 

But I feel a slight pressure on my hand, he closed his fingers around it. 

"Vic, look, he is holding my hand." 

Vic goes towards the top of the bed and places her hand between his hair caressing there. "Rob, it's Vic, can you hear me?" 

Doug goes to call a doctor. 

Liv is beside me "I don't think he is awake." 

"I didn't say that he is awake, only that he moved his hand."

The doctor enters in the room and checks up on him. "It could have been an unconditional effect. It happens sometime." 

I feel the pressure on my hand again and he begins to breath on his own and finally we see him open his eye. 

He tries to focus on something or someone. "Hey, how are you feeling?" I ask him. 

He turns a bit his head towards me and give a look to ours linked hands and he pulls slowly his hand away. 

The doctor gets the oxygen mask off him. Then Robert tries to talk, and after an unsuccessful attempt we hear his voice, a bit raspy but his voice. 

"Where am I?"

"You're at the hospital? Can't you remember why are you here?" Vic asks him. 

He doesn't answer, he looks towards us and for few seconds the room falls in the silence then he speaks again.

"Who are you?" 

We exchange a look and then is Diane who tries to talk to him. "We are your family and your friends Robert." 

He seems even more confused if possible. 

"Robert? Who is Robert? Who am I?"


	7. Chapter 7

It's all confused.

My senses are all over each other. I can't think. I would like to wake up but I don't know how, how can I tell to my brain to wake me up? 

I have to stay calm. I have to take a deep breath and stay calm. 

Wait! How I breath? 

If I don't know how breath, how can I possibly be alive? 

Maybe I'm dreaming. 

I have to test my five senses. Touch...I have to try to move something, but all my muscles feels so heavy. Something small, an hand. 

I try to focus only on my hands, on my fingers. I'm touching something warm, but I want to feel it better so I finally manage to move the fingers around it. It isn't soft but neither is hard. It isn't an inanimate thing, it's like skin. 

So maybe I'm not alone, or maybe I'm dead. Or I'm crazy, can I be crazy while I'm dead? 

Step by step, I have to stay focus. Next sense? Oh yeah, hearing. 

It's nothing defined, it's a noise but it seems far. And it's louder on the right side of my head. Head? Yeah, wow it's working again. The noise is now a voice, a female one. She said her name, it's someone called Vic and probably is the same person that is combing my hair. 

I feel my hair too, I reckon I'm getting better. For sure I'm alive now. Or I'm dreaming, it's still a possibility. 

So, touch...I close my hand; hearing...there is still someone talking; smell...now I have to try to breath. One deep breath, ok, one, two, three and I feel alive again with the air that enters in my lungs. But the sudden movement brings me pain everywhere in my chest and forces me to open my eyes. 

At the beginning I see only a bright light and at the same time I understand that my left eye is still closed. I focus and I see five different people watching right back at me, like I am some sort of attraction. Then I hear someone talking beside me, there are two people there too. It's a young man, the one who speaks and by watching him I understands also what is the thing that I am touching, his hand. 

I need to know what is happening, I try to talk but my voce is a bit raspy "Where am I?" 

The young woman, with the hand in my hair says that I'm in hospital and now seeing the white room and the doctor, all is making sense. But I still need to know who are the others and what they want from me. 

"Who are you?" 

"We are your family and friends Robert" tells me an older woman with a worried face. 

Robert, who is Robert? It's me? Now that I'm thinking about it I don't know who I am or where I used to live, nothing before this moment.


	8. Chapter 8

"It could be some sort of amnesia. We have to do some more tests, but it's linked to the trauma. It can happen after this kind of accident." 

We are outside Robert's room and the doctor is trying to answer ours questions. 

Vic hasn't said a word since Robert woke up and it's a long time for her standards. She is obviously shocked but who can blame her. 

"And when do you think he'll have his memory back, doctor?" Asks him Diane. 

"We don't know for sure. It could be came back in days, weeks, a month, a year, it could never came back too. We can't say." 

I go and hug Vic that she is now sobbing. 

"The firsts days are crucial. You have to help him to remember something, important or not, doesn't matter. But if he can remember one thing it means that there are still his memories somewhere and with some time he can remember everything." 

"It seems he can't remember anything at all, what should we say to him?" Diane keeps questioning the doctor. 

"You have to talk to him a lot, but for the moment you have to keep him away to all the things that might upset him, shock him, like the accident, or like something of his life that is different, not ideal. You have to hope that he'll remember most of things on his own, but if doesn't go that way I recommend to say him only the things that he'll need to know to get on with his life." 

"And about the injuries? When he could leave the hospital?" 

"We need to monitor him for a couple of day and if all goes well we should discharge him in a week more or less. He needs anyway a lot of rest for all his fractures." 

 

For sure I didn't expect any of this, I thought about what to say to him in my head over and over again in the last days, and now I can't say one single word to him because he doesn't know me. 

When we go inside the room we found Rob asleep. It's late now and probably he won't wake until tomorrow so we decide to go back to the village and came back here tomorrow.


	9. Chapter 9

4 November 2017

When I wake up, I'm alone in my room. All the people are gone. Everything hurts. 

When I thought I was dreaming, I was wrong, this is a proper nightmare. I'm hungry, I want to leave this bed, I want to understand what happened to me but I can't barely move a single hand.   
And I would like to scream, but I feel my mouth a little sticky. 

Not so much later, Vic enters in the room, it's the only name that I remember. 

"Hey, you are awake." She says with a bright smile. "How are you doing today?" 

What she thinks? Practically constrained to the bed, with every parts of my body aching, alone, hungry and thirsty. I must feel amazing. I can't snap already at her, at the end she'is the first that came to visit. I must be important to her.   
"Water." I only whisper then. Oh, my voice is even worse than I expected. 

"Oh, sorry, sure." And she give me a glass of water. When I drink it, at the beginning it's almost painful but after that it's good and I feel much better. 

"So, ehm, who are you? My girlfriend?" 

Vic can't avoid a small laugh "No."

"Ok, so you are the girlfriend of that bloke that was here with you yesterday?" 

She keeps smiling "No, still wrong. I'm your sister." 

"Ok, so the older couple are ours parents?" 

"Wrong again, you aren't good in this game, she is our stepmother and he is her partner." 

I smile "Well, it isn't my fault if our family is so complicated. So our parents are dead or divorced or what?" 

"Yeah they both died years ago." 

"How?" 

"I don't know what I can or I can't tell you. You are suffering some sort of amnesia due to the accident you were involved into and the doctor said to us to don't say to you something that could shock you."

"Ok. So in a bad way. Anyway who were the other people in the room yesterday?" 

"Our stepmother is Diane and she is together with Doug. The tall woman is Bernice her daughter and our stepsister." 

"And the young man beside the bed? Is he a friend?" 

"He is Aaron and the girl next to him is his sister Liv. And he is...well...you were..."

She was a bit confused, she was obviously trying to find the right words. Maybe it was one of the things I couldn't know about.

"Yeah, you are friends and you work together...more or less." 

I keep looking at her, nodding to say to go on. 

"You invested few years ago in a scrapyard that him and my ex husband wanted to open." 

"You are married?" 

"Well, I were, we and Adam aren't officially divorced but we aren't together anymore." 

"He broke up with you?" 

"No, I broke up with him." 

"Why?" 

"We had few issues, we were trying to have a baby but we discovered that he couldn't have any so from there all went downhill."-She said with a sad look.- " But anyway we are talking about you now. Do you have remembered anything since I am here?" 

"No, I'm afraid not." 

"It doesn't matter. You sure have other questions. We'll get there. Come on."

"Well, I was wondering why there wasn't my girlfriend or fiancé here yesterday. Am I single?" 

"Yeah, sorry, but right now you are." 

"So I was with someone?" 

"Yeah you were with different person in the last few years." 

"Oh, and how all this stories ended?" 

"Well basically you cheated on all of them." 

I wasn't expecting that, I didn't think I was so a bad man. "And why I had to do something like this? Why hurt someone who loved me?" 

"Robert, I really don't know the answer. You should be the one telling me that. In the first case you fell in love with someone else, but in the second one I really don't know why you did that. You were so happy together. I haven't ever seen you so happy." 

"Maybe it was a mistake. Maybe there is still hope. Why she didn't came here to visit? She hates me that much?" 

And then I see Aaron entering in the room.


	10. Chapter 10

I am outside Robert's room and I hear Vic and Robert talking. He is asking about his pasts love stories. Not the best theme I think smiling. 

It seems that he expected to have more friends. For a person on the death door there was no one here to visit him. 

And I know that the loneliness is his worst enemies and although that I left him alone so many times. And only now I regret this and I'll not allow myself to do the same mistake again. 

"Hey" I say entering in the room. 

"Hi Aaron" says Vic, a little bit worried about what I'm gonna say. 

"She doesn't hate you." 

"And how do you know?" 

"We are friends, we spent a lot of time together and you told me how went the things between you two. And I can assure you that...she still loves you." Vic is giving me death stares. I know is the wrong thing to say but I see him so fragile at the moment and I'm worried that he's gonna freak knowing the truth. I'll tell him with time. 

"Well, I should go back to the pub. Bye Robert, see you tomorrow." 

"Bye" 

Once she is outside he starts asking his questions "So we are scrappers?" 

I smile slightly "No you aren't, you tried few times but it's not for you. I and my friend Adam are. In the site we have a cabin where you work together with Nicola and Jimmy, your partners in a Haulage company. 

"And why they aren't here?" 

"Well, like I said me and you are friends. We helped each other a lot in the past and with the time we spent together we have developed a special bond in some way." 

"It's for this reason that you were holding my hand yesterday?" 

He takes me a bit off guard but I won't lie to him, not completely. "You are very important to me, and I couldn't bare to lose you." I smile to him and now more relaxed he smiles me back. I can understand that it can't be easy, it's like we are completely strangers right now. 

 

Then the nurse enters bringing in the lunch. "Hi Robert, how are you feeling today?" 

"Yeah, better, I'm not gonna die today." He was always been so tragic regarding his health, although right now I can understand him. 

"I brought you lunch. Do you need help or you'll help him?" She asks looking at him. 

"I'll help him, we have a lot to catch up." 

"Right, but we need to put him to sit first." She lifts the top side of the bed, and we put a couple of pillow behind his back. Robert groans for the pain to his ribs, that at the moment it's seems that it's what is hurting him the most. 

Once that the nurse leaves us I take the bowl with the soup and I give it with a spoon to him. 

"Oh, finally, you have no idea how hungry I am." 

"If you'll be able to finish that for sure you are. I think that there is nothing worse that the hospital food." I says smirking to him. 

"Maybe the prison's one." He says smiling too. 

"No, I can assure you, it's better in prison." 

"How do you know? You've been inside?" 

"Yeah few times." 

"Really?" Now he seems interested. 

"Yeah, but don't worry I'm not a killer or a thief. This year I went inside cause I punched a bloke." 

"Oh. I guess he did something wrong, you'don't seem a violent guy. He provoked you or something for sure."

" Well, yeah something like that. I was defending a mate."

"So you are full of surprises Aaron." Says Robert still smiling when he looks at me. 

"I assure not, once you know me I'm not this entertaining." 

He keeps gulping his soups slowly in a weird way, maybe he has pain to his throat too. "You know" - he says between one spoon and the other - "you were right the hospital food really sucks, you have no idea how much I would like to eat curry right now instead of this." 

"How do you know curry is better than this?" 

"It's my favorite food." 

"So you remember that?" 

Robert looks at me realizing what I'm saying. "Yeah, yeah I remember that." 

"And if you focus can't you remember when you ate it the last time or if you were with someone?" 

I see him trying to focalize on something but then he seems sorry when nothing cames up on his mind. 

"Don't worry you'll have your memories back soon or later. You already know you like curry." I smiles to him. 

He smiles too, but in his eyes there isn't the same spark that I saw before. And I know that he is suffering, like the Rob I know would do, and he doesn't even know the half of it.


	11. Chapter 11

7 November 2017

In the past few days I saw Vic and Diane, Vic isn't exactly the quiet person, she talks a lot. Basically she talks alone considering that I don't know most of the things she is talking about. But she told me all about her job. She wants to became a chef, now is working in the kitchen of a pub at Emmerdale, our village, under the supervision of Marlon, a Dingle, who is by the way Aaron's family. 

Diane told me that she owned the pub with Chas, Aaron's mother, not long ago, and I used to live there. So it's like being in a big big family

Although everything they said to me, nothing else came to my mind and I was a little bit disappointed. The doctor said that the firsts days were the most important and right now the only thing that I know is that I liked curry. I was a little bit worried that I would never have my memory back. So now I want to know something more, and I don't care if it could upset me, but maybe a strong memory could make the difference. 

During the morning Aaron comes to visit but he isn't alone this time. He is with his sister Liv. She doesn't say anything until I ask her how we know each other. 

"Well, you helped Aaron to find me, I lived with my mum at the time and you using yours dodgy contact found us." She says smiling to his brother. 

"And why you ended up to live with your brother?" 

"It's a long story but my mum went to live in Dublin and I wanted to know him better and spend some time with him." 

"So how do we know so well?" 

"Well, we lived under the same roof and at the beginning we hated each other but in more that one occasion you helped me and when Aaron went to prison you stayed by my side all the time with the school and everything." 

"Ok, so it's like I have two sisters, Vic and you." I say smiling to her. 

"Well, I don't know who is better." Says Aaron smirking at Liv who push him with her elbow. "So, how are you doing?" 

"Well, the food is still awful but now I can eat more solid things so it's an improvement. And I don't know if you noticed but they removed all the bandages on my arm." - I say happily. - "Finally I can use both my hands and at least is less boring staying in here. And I can do a lot more things on my own." 

"Right, we could bring you something to read the next time. What would you like? Some books?" 

" No, I can't read too much, with only one eye. You could bring me some comics." 

"Which ones? You have a ton of it." Aaron asks me. 

"There is a box dedicated by the side of my bed. The first two." 

"Wait, wait do you remember your obsession about comics? You know you have a box of them?" Liv interrupts me surprised. 

Now Aaron is smiling and looking at me hoping that I have remembered something. "It's something I know although I don't know how, I don't know if I knew it yesterday. I can't explain it. I only have this picture in my mind of a small room, with a single bed and there are few boxes in the room. One of them is full of comics." 

"It's Vic's room, can you remember something about it, when you were in there, some conversations with Vic or what you were doing when you were on your own?"

I see Aaron hunger to have an answer but I can't, I can't and with all my thoughts of this morning to know something more it's hurting even more because basically I can't remember the most simple things. 

I don't cry, but it hurts everything inside my head and Aaron can see my change of mood and Liv can too. 

"Hey Robert it isn't the end of the world. It only means that will be a slow recover." 

"How can you say that? I can't even remember my favorite color or how old am I or the names of my grandparents. I only know what you told me and if someone tell me a lie I can't know." 

"Hey Robert calm down, try to relax a bit, I will be back after lunch, ok?" 

Once they leave the room, I'm alone with my thoughts. 

 

Aaron maintains his promise and he comes back "Hey, sorry for before, I shouldn't have snapped at you. It's only so..." 

"Hard?" 

"Yeah."

"I know, but we'll get through it together, like we did in the past." He smiles and it's the most beautiful thing that I saw since I woke up. I would stayed to talk to him but right now I need to piss.

"Ehm, Aaron I need the bathroom, could you help me? I don't want to use the wheelchair or call the nurse." 

"Yeah, sure." 

"You know in few days they could discharge me." I say to him with a bright smile. 

"Oh I'm so happy for you, now lean on me"- he says putting my arm on his shoulder. And I start limping towards the bathroom, with Aaron on my side. And this time the flash is evident, I can remember of a similar situation where I was limping too but this time there was a blond girl by my side. We were in a big house apparently and I can't not notice the blue walls.


	12. Chapter 12

Once I finished in the bathroom and Aaron helped me to the bed again, I feel that I have to know who the girl is and why she didn't visit me or why no one talked about her. 

"I remembered something." 

"This is amazing, Robert. What it is?" 

"I was in a big house, probably a new one, it was very modern. I had a crutch and I was limping, I hurt my ankle. And by my side there was a blonde woman. I can't remember her face but she was wearing something very colorful." 

"Rebecca. " Aaron whispered without looking me in the eyes. 

"Who is she?" 

"Ehm...she...she wa..she is the sister of your ex wife." He answers but I see that something changed. 

"Oh, and she hates me because I cheated on her sister?" 

"Well, it's slightly more complicated than that. You cheated on your wife with her before getting married, and then you cheated on your second partner with her too, even if that time was only a one night stand." 

I honestly can't understand, if I loved this woman why marry her sister and once that the marriage was over and I was with someone else keep sleeping with her? And why this Rebecca kept doing it? If I loved her why we weren't together as a couple, and if it wasn't love why she kept coming with me? If she can't find a bloke who loves her, why keeps to came back with me?

"Did I love her?"

And now Aaron seems embarrassed. "How should I know?" 

"You are my friend, you said I talked to you. I have for sure told you if I loved her or not." 

"Well, no, you said you didn't love her." 

"So why I slept with her?" 

"I asked that myself a lot of times." 

Aaron keeps looking down, avoiding my gaze. 

"Aaron, am I a bad person?" 

He looks at me for few seconds then smiles at me. 

"You aren't bad, you are good, but sometimes you do something wrong. You are complicated like a lot of us are in their own way. It's what makes us special."   
I didn't think that Aaron could have been so deep. In fact he blushes slightly. 

"How about you make me see some photos of the people I used to know from the village. If in few days the hospital let me go home, I have to know at least some faces." 

"Ehm, ok, sure, I have some photos here on my phone." He seems a little bit skeptical but begins to scroll through the album and when he sees a particular one he can't help himself but smile. He shows me it. We are me, Liv, and Aaron all dressed up. We are all smiling and we look very happy. 

"Why we were dressed like that?" 

Aaron smiles, and I reckon he is thinking back at that moment - "We were dressed for a wedding." - But I know there is something else that he won't tell me, at least not for now. 

The next photo was obviously taken on Christmas. We are the three of us plus all the Dingle family. Me and Aaron have a jumper on properly for Christmas. But I can't avoid to ask myself why I spent Christmas with them and not with my family. 

"Where were Vic and Diane?" 

"Vic with Adam, while Diane was with Ashley, Laurel's husband." 

"And I had nowhere to go so I stayed with you and yours family?" 

"Yeah, but like I said to you before we are family." 

"So me and you are like brothers?" 

Aaron looks at me. "Well, if you want to put it like that, for sure we used to argue sometimes like brothers." Says smiling. 

Aaron keeps strolling through his photos - " I haven't other pictures of people of the village. Are all about me, you, Liv, Adam and my mum." 

"Vic gave me my phone the other day but I couldn't remember the code." 

"Where is it?" 

"There." - I say pointing towards the bedside table. - "Why?"

"Because maybe I know the code." 

He goes and take the phone and writes the right code at the first attempt.

"How did you know?" 

"I didn't but I know the date of a special day for you and I hoped that you would have use it as a code." 

"So? What is it?" 

"2-1-0-2. It stands for 21st of February." 

"And what happened that day?" 

Aaron sighed and took my left hand pointing towards the ring on my finger. "You got married." 

"With...ehm Chrissie? I thought I cheated on her." 

"You did and no this is the date of your second marriage." 

"I though I got married only once." 

"Yes, well the second one was unofficial." 

"Well if I didn't change the code after we broke up maybe I was right the other day, and I still love her, I have only hope that she still love me too." I say with a smile plastered on my face. 

Aaron smiles back at me and nods. 

"Now you have to let me see her or at least tell me her name." 

Aaron looks almost worried - "Ehm, no, I don't think it's a good idea. If you want to know if yours feelings are the same maybe the best thing is follow your heart. And maybe build your relationship from the start is the best way for stay together longer than the first time." 

I look back at him, thinking that maybe he isn't telling me everything but at the end it isn't a bad idea.


	13. Chapter 13

10 November 2017

Today I can finally go home with the hope that seeing the village would bring me back some memories. 

Vic, Diane and Aaron, who is more present in my life that I expected, are all in my room helping me dressing and taking all the stuff and then drive me home. 

"So where do you gonna stay?" Aaron asks me. 

"I thought I had only one option, at Vic's." 

"Oh no Robert you can stay with me too." Says Diane. 

"I already said to you that you are busy with the B & B and you are with Doug and I don't want to bother you." 

"Yeah you can stay at Vic's or at mine's too." Says Aaron.

"Where? At the pub, with your mum and Liv? It would be too crowded around there." 

"I don't live there anymore. Now I live at the Mill Cottage, that house you were with Rebecca in your memory." 

"And why I was in your house?" 

"Because for a small period we lived there together with Liv, we shared the flat." 

I have to look surprised because they ask me if it's all alright and if I have remembered something but unfortunately it's not the case. 

"Well thank you Aaron for the offer but you are busy with Liv now, maybe I can came to yours sometimes and maybe it could help me remember something." 

"Yeah sounds good." 

 

After few hours at home, all my thoughts to live normally again are all gone. I can't do basically nothing on my own. It's like to be still in the hospital. All I can do is eat and spend time on the couch. Vic is already gone at work and in few hours I'm already bored. 

In a hour or so Vic should be back, maybe I can cook something to thank her for her help and hospitality. 

I go to the kitchen and I try to take all I need out of the cupboard but the oil bottle is empty and the new one is in the uppers side of the cupboard. It's not too far and I can definitely reach that but as soon I lift my arm I feel a terrible pain on all my ribs and when I take away the arm to put it around my chest I collide with some dishes which all fall and crush on the floor. 

'Robert take a deep breath' I tell myself. I take a broom and I clean the floor while I decide to leave the cooking idea for now. So instead I decide to go upstairs and try to look into my stuff if there is something that could make me remember or only to sleep. 

But it's easier say it that do it, climb the stairs with my leg completely immobilized it's almost a mission impossible. I can't bend the leg that is all plastered and Vic's stairs are a nightmare and it's tiring and I'm not at my best yet. 

 

When Vic returns I'm still sat on the bottom steps. "What are you doing sat down here?" 

"I wanted to go to bed but I can't go upstairs alone."

"Wait. Let me help. Lean on me." 

But there is no difference between leaning on her or on the crutch. "Vic I can't."

"Yes you can." 

"No I can't" - I keep saying to her. - "You are too short, you are not helping me." 

"Oh thanks a lot Rob. I'm trying my best but you can't climb the stairs on your own if you are so in pain." 

"Why do you think I'm in pain?"

"For the way you are talking to me." 

"Sorry." 

"Come on, you'll do it and maybe tomorrow we'll call someone who can lift you upstairs. " 

After ten minutes I'm finally upstairs, Vic lets me see where is my room and the bathroom and when I say that from here I can manage on my own she goes back downstairs to make her dinner. 

I go in my room, it's very small, a single bed, a bedside table, a chair and a wardrobe. I go to the bedside table but it's almost empty. In the wardrobe there are some clothes, some pair of jeans hanging, and different shirts all in order. I smile to myself looking at them, are all patterned, in awful fantasy most of all. How can I be the same person who wore them? 

I take one out, it's white whit a lot of pink flowers on. I put it on and look myself at the mirror. And I remember another time I wore it, I was in the pub with Aaron and Rebecca who said that 'the floral print on me was a big no no' and Aaron agreed with her. I don't understand, we seemed friendly towards each others. Maybe that was before I slept with her. But what makes me happy again is the fact that I saw Aaron laughing while I was tickling him. I can't remember basically nothing but I know one thing I want to have those laughs with Aaron again. 

I am wondering why all my stuffs are still in boxes. I know that this room it's tiny and isn't mine but it seems that I moved here not so long ago or I wanted to move away. 

The questions keep coming.

I go in the hallway and beyond mine, Vic's room and the bathroom I see another one. I try to open it but it's locked. 

Tomorrow I have to ask Vic what's there is inside.


	14. Chapter 14

11 November 2017

It's 10:30 when I wake up. I don't know if I was used to sleep this long before the accident but for sure in the hospital I was awake not past 8:00. Maybe sleeping in an actual bed, even if it's not the best, made the difference. 

I'm about to go downstairs to talk to Vic about the locked room when I see a note on my door 'I'm going work. Breakfast is ready in the kitchen.' I knew she would go early but I totally forgot about it. 

I don't want to stay at home alone and wait Vic until this afternoon. I could call Aaron, ask him if he wants to come here, but I don't want to bother him. So I take my crutches and I decide to go outside. I have a t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants on, the same I wear since I left the hospital, these right now are the most comfortable ones. Wearing any trousers is a nightmare. I take a jumper too because isn't exactly warm today. 

Before going downstairs I pass by that room again, I try but is still locked. I notice that every doors are the same. Maybe any room's key would open it. I go to the bathroom, where there is a key for sure. I took it and I put inside the lock and luckily I open it. 

It's small, like the spare room, but instead of grey and white as main colors, it's a lot more bright, a light green on the wall, a carpet covering all the floor, a lot of toys disposed on a table and inside some colorful boxes. There is an armchair in the corner near the window and on the other side, a wood crib. This is actually a nursery. 

Once outside Vic's house the first thing I see is the signboard of the woolpack in front of me. I could go inside but I don't think it's the best idea going to the pub yet. I know that Vic would hassle me for leaving the house on my own. 

From what I have understood Aaron's cottage it's at the end of the road. 

I pass the garage where Aaron used to work and David's shop but it's a calm day and I meet no one. I spot the Mill down the road, it's a very beautiful house, big, with a massive garden. There isn't Aaron's car outside so I think that maybe he could be at work, however is almost noon so he could came back to have lunch or maybe he has it at the yard. 

There is a bench in the garden, all dusty and with leaves on it. Probably no one sits there, or go in the garden for what matters. I sit on it and I decide to wait and if Aaron doesn't shows up I'll go to the pub. Luckily the sun comes up from the clouds so I'm warmed up from its rays. 

I hear the noise of a car along the gravel not a lot after. It's Aaron's. 

"Hey what are you doing out here?" He is asking. 

"I was alone at Vic's and I was bored. I wanted to talk to Vic about something but she went to work so I didn't want to bother her." 

"So you came here to bother me?" He says smiling. 

I can't avoid to smile back at him. 

"So are you coming in or what?" 

 

The house it's exactly like in my memory, but it seems somehow more lived. It's not exactly in order, it's a proper mess. There are clothes everywhere. Liv's things on the couch and on the coffee table. Shoes in the middle of the pavement. It's like a storm lives here. 

"So do you want something to eat? I'm back for lunch, so just ask what you want and we can eat together. I'll have a sandwich." And he goes to the fridge, which is massive, it has a wine cabinet too. I didn't think Aaron would be this kind of person. It's not exactly the house I imagined he could live in. "Do you want one?" I nod. And we sit around the kitchen table. 

"So, bored at home?"

"Yeah. I need something to do. I guess I used to work no stop, I can't think to stay all day without doing anything." 

"You loved your work, and yes once you began with it you were always very focused on it. But you loved to go to the pub too, drink a couple of pint with me or your family." 

"So the pub for us it's like a second home?" 

"Yeah, you could say that." 

"So what you wanted to ask Vic? Is something I can help you on?" 

"Well, I don't know if you already know, or if is my place to tell, ehm..." 

"What are you talking about?" 

"After her and Adam broke up, you know if she frequented someone else?" 

"No, not that I know, why?" 

"Well...you know if when they were together they tried for a baby or did they have one?" 

"Yeah they tried and it's in some ways the reason why aren't together anymore." 

"What do you mean?" 

"Vic wanted desperately a baby, so they tried to have one. When nothing happened they went to do a check up and discovered that Adam was infertile." 

"Oh, it's for that reason that Vic left Adam. She was obsessed to have a baby. Maybe she is pregnant with someone else." 

"Why do you think that?" 

"Well, the room." 

"What room?" 

"She locked the door of a room, a nursery, full of baby's stuffs. And if she wasn't or isn't even pregnant, I think that is a truly obsession for her." 

Aaron gasped and looked paler when I spoke about the nursery.


	15. Chapter 15

When Robert starts talking about the nursery I completely freeze. I didn't know about the room, I haven't exactly been in Robert's life in the past months. But I know for sure that isn't for a Vic's baby. 

"Yes, maybe Vic in the last period would have really liked to be a mum. But she wouldn't do something like that." 

Robert is looking me, he obviously want to know. 

"It's for Rebecca's child." 

"Ok, so she is pregnant. But why they made the nursery in Vic's house?" 

"Well, Rebecca and Vic became friends, I guess, and she helped her." 

"So Rebecca's family doesn't like the fact she is pregnant, it's for that reasons she isn't living at her house?" 

"Her relationships with her father and her sister when she discovered to be pregnant weren't going very well. But at the end they accepted it." 

"So why is she still at my sister's?" 

"Well, in the lasts months happened a lot of things that changed a bit everything." 

"Like what?" 

"She was alone, her father was shot and died, he was killed by his stepson, who is now back in prison. Her stepsister left the village after all that happened. Rebecca was on her own minding the family's business, but home farm, the house of the family, was too big for her alone. So she came to live at Vic's permanently." 

"And the father of the child?" 

Why Robert are you keeping asking me questions like this? 

In what I put myself into? 

"He didn't want a child, or at least not with her, or at that moment. It's all I know about it." 

"So he didn't love her?" 

"No that I know." 

Now Robert is looking down. I know him, and I know he is feeling guilty about it, because at the end when he isn't scheming or doing something similar, he is the most caring person I know. 

"That bloke made the same mistake I did." 

Why he is so clever? I can't looking at him without making him understand. 

There are a couple of minutes of silence, I keep my head down, eating my sandwich but when I finish it I can't avoid to look at him. He is staring right back at me. 

"You are hiding something." 

I don't know what say to him, I open my mouth but I stay in silence at the end. 

"Come on, it's evident. I know that I'm involved in all this. Please you have to tell me, I promise I'll be ok, at the end is something that is already happened and I can't change that." 

"You can't promise that." 

"Please Aaron, I need to know. This situation is messing with my head even more." 

"Ok...ehm, so...you are the bloke...who got Rebecca pregnant." 

Robert is staring back at me, at the beginning surprised but then almost sad if I have to tell. I think he's putting together all the informations gained in the last days. 

"So, tell me if I get it right. I was with Chrissie and in the meantime I was sleeping with Rebecca. Then I married Chrissie but I felt in love with another person, and once Chrissie discovered the betrayal, we broke up and I began a relationship with this girl who I loved but for some reason I slept again with Rebecca and this time I got her pregnant. And once my girlfriend knew that she left me?" 

I slightly nod. 

"This is a proper mess. How could I do all this, being like this?" 

"Well, maybe you had your reasons. Now you know only what I said to you. Are all the pasts events that made you take some decisions, that made you being who you really are. You know only a part of it." 

"Right. So I didn't want to be part of the baby's life?" 

"Rob, I really don't know. We didn't talk in the last months. But I guess you came to terms with it. You began to be involved, you went to the hospital with her or to buy baby's stuffs. You didn't love her but I think you started to love your son." 

I see that he is agitated, he keeps tapping with his fingers on the table. 

"Ok, well, where is Rebecca? Why didn't she came to visit at the hospital and why she isn't at Vic's? I need to speak to her." 

Wow, I only came back for lunch and now I'm in this situation. 

I could lie to him, say that she went away, she left the village but I don't want to make the same mistakes of the pasts. Lying brought us here. I know that maybe Robert could react in a bad way, but he is right, he needs to know the truth for finally try to move on with his life, as it possible right now.

"It's not this easy, it's a lot messier actually." 

"Go on." 

"Robert you only need to know that we don't know what exactly happened, so you don't have to blame yourself ok?" 

"For what?" 

"I shouldn't tell it according to the doctors, but anyway...ehm...you ended in hospital because you had a car accident. You were driving the car and there was Rebecca inside too." 

The realization of what could have been happened appearing on Robert face. 

"There was a storm when you crashed. You finished down a cliff. It was found a tree in the middle of the road, so maybe it was what caused it. When the rescue found you, they took some time to bring you out from the car, because you got stucked inside it." 

"And Rebecca?" 

"When they brought her out she was already gone." 

He is now looking me in the eyes, he knows that is the truth and he already knows that died is son too. 

"And the baby was gone too?" 

I slightly nod looking down and I hear Robert gasping.


	16. Chapter 16

Now Robert is sleeping on the sofa. He didn't say a word after have known the truth. He left the table and sat on the sofa and there stayed until he fell asleep. 

I didn't go back to work, I couldn't leave him alone. But now I really don't know how act around him. I only hope that he'll tell me what's going on in his mind. 

I keep watching him from the kitchen when suddenly Liv cames in, shouting something about the school. "You know what happened today? Gabby and I..." But when he sees Robert slightly snoring on the couch she becames silent and looks at me.

"So why is he here?" 

"He come here because was bored at home but he had a lot of questions and I finished to telling him the truth." 

"The truth about what? You and him?" 

"No, of course not. I told him about the accident, Rebecca and the baby. All of it." 

"Well, it's a lot to take in, how he is?" 

"I don't know, he didn't talk since then. And now are a couple of hours that he is sleeping."

 

I made a cup of tea for Liv and now she is sat at the table too, waiting for Robert to wake up. "Are you worried he'll be angry with you for not telling him the truth?"

"No, I don't think he will be, he could have said something before but he didn't.",

"So what is bothering you?"

"I don't know...I'm only worried about him. I hope he'll be fine." 

 

Liv is sat on the floor with her back to the front of the couch near Robert and she is watching the tv, not caring about Robert sleeping there. 

Robert is a deep sleeper but when she put a music channel and turns up the volume, Robert begins to move. 

"What are you doing?" He asks her with a rough voice. 

"Watching this." 

"Yeah sure, sorry for occupying the couch. I fell asleep." 

"Yeah I think I noticed that." 

"Yeah I think so." He says smiling. Liv told me that their relationship evolved while I was inside and although Robert doesn't remember anything seeing the two of them so happy together is always a pleasure. 

"So Rob how are you feeling today?" 

"I was bored at home and I decided to came here and talking to my best mate here" - says turning his face towards me, I didn't think he noticed I was here - "and he told me few thinks about my life that totally didn't change absolutely anything." He says sarcastically. 

"And what do you want to do about it?"

"Nothing. It's like Aaron said before, it's something that happened and I can't change plus I can't remember how it happened so there are no reasons to blame myself. The only thing that I can do at the moment is try to live normally again. I'll spend time with my family with you two, hoping to find more misses puzzle pieces possible." 

I stay silent and I keep staring at him with my mouth slightly open and Liv is keeping her gaze to him too. 

"What?" He asks annoyed. 

"No, nothing...it's only...well you didn't react as I expected." I say. 

"I'm the same Robert I was before, only I have to rediscover some things of my pasts and it could bring my old personality back too." 

"It's better not to." Says Liv and we laugh together. 

"It's like a restart and there is the possibility to not have my memory back and maybe this new Robert will be better than the old one." 

"You will have your memory back, I know it." And despite all I loved him like he was. I know that maybe it's hard sometimes when he messes up but I do it too and I fell in love with him at his worst after all. 

"I hope so but Aaron, two weeks are passed and I remembered only a couple of things." 

"We'll help you, right Aaron?" - says Liv smiling - "You know I spent the last six months with my mum and Chas in Mauritius and I missed here, I missed Aaron and I missed you too. We used to hate each other but then we found a sort of equilibrium and after all you are like a big brother too." 

"Mauritius?" 

"Yeah." 

"I remember that I booked two plane tickets for Mauritius." 

"And you remember for whom they were?" I ask with hope. If he remembers ours holiday in Mauritius the game is done. 

"No only that I had to book it very fast." 

Maybe are the tickets he booked for Liv and Chas. 

"Right, Robert, you have dinner with us?" - Asks Liv - "Like in the old times." - Very old I might add. 

"Ok, fine." 

"You fancy a pizza?" 

"Yeah sure." 

"Ham and pineapple like always?" 

"Sorry?" 

"Yeah better don't remember that." - Smirks Liv.- "It was your favorite but I guess you have understood in these days that you were pretty odd." - And we laugh all again. 

"Ok, I'll try it, I have to keep the old tradition intact." 

 

We all eat the pizzas in front of the tv and Robert finishes his and he likes it too but he doesn't bring nothing back to his mind. 

"Now we could watch 'The lord of the rings' that we all know Aaron adores." She says smirking knowing full well that I hate it and I finished sleeping all the times the two of them put that on.

"He doesn't seems too keen about it. What don't you like? It's awesome, you should really read the book, it's a masterpiece and 'The Hobbit' too." 

Amazing, he remembers a stupid film and nothing about us. 

 

It's boring like all the times we saw it, and I think I didn't pass the first half an hour and I already sleep on the couch. I would have liked to see more of Robert and Liv smiles, he looked finally relaxed, but this kind of film and sleeping pills have the same effect on me. 

When I wake up almost two hours later the film it's still on but from what I remember by the times I woke up in time for the end, it's almost over. The two of them are still talking about it while I notice that are almost past eleven and Rob is still with us. 

After a couple of minutes when is finally over I interrupt them while they are still talking about some elf and gnome. "Ehm sorry I don't know if you two noticed the time but you have to go to bed and I have to take you home." 

"Come on Aaron, tomorrow is Sunday and I don't have school and Rob can stay here, can't he?" 

Robert now is looking between me and Liv. 

"Well I don't know, you usually lived here so...it's not a problem, what you prefer?"

"Come on stay stay stay, please." Liv wasn't the same around Robert like I remembered. The period I spent inside made obviously grow them closer. And I can't deny that I'm a bit jealous about it but I know that she needs Robert too, he's maybe similar to a father than I can ever be. 

"Ok fine." He says smiling. 

"Come on, you'll stay in my room." 

"No, don't worry I'll stay here on the couch, you invited me and I can't stole your bed." 

"Are you joking? You need to relax and recover and sleep in a good place. I won't allow to hurt you again." 

"Aaron...ehm there is another problem, I discovered yesterday at Vic's but seeing your stairs I think it will be even worse. I can't go upstairs with my leg." 

"Come on, I'll bring you upstairs. Leave the crutches here. " - I go kneeling on the floor by the couch giving him the back. - "Put you arms around my neck, the leg around my waist and I hold this one with the other hand. Ready? One, two, three!"

 

The morning after, I wake up on the couch and although at the beginning I am a little bit confused then I remember why I am here and that Robert is sleeping in ours old room. 

I go upstairs for checking on him and I find him already awake, sitting on the bed with the back against the headboard. He is passing the duvet between his fingers and watching it. 

"I don't know why but this" -says, referring to the duvet- "is making me sad, gives me a sense of loneliness."

I can't understand what a stupid duvet with butterflies on it could possibly bring to his memory. 

"It's obviously something on your memory, but this duvet it hasn't any meaning to me, I'm sorry." I say sitting on the bed and placing an hand on his. 

"Would you like the breakfast or.." - Now that I am near him I smell something that it seems coming from Robert. - "a shower, you stink." 

"Thanks but I think it's my eye, I should have changed the bandages at least once a day for let the skin breath but I didn't do it since I was released from hospital." 

"Come on, came to the bathroom I change you the bandages." 

He leans on me and once in the bathroom I make him sit on the bathtub.

I take off slowly the bandages that in the deepest layers are dirtier and wet from the pus of the wound. 

I must have not my best face on when I do it because Robert is looking at me with a silent question of 'what's wrong?' 

"Well, I'm not a fan of blood, wounds and this kind of things, that's all." 

The wound isn't healed yet but despite the trauma is the same face, his beautiful, amazing face. His eye has the same green inside and I know it can already see because is following my movements. I'm not a doctor but I think he could take definitely off all the bandages in a couple of days. 

"Finish." And then I notice his wet eye "What's wrong? Did I do something wrong?" 

"No you are amazing, you are helping me a lot and I don't know how could have done all this without you." 

"So what's the problem?" 

"I didn't change my bandage these couple of days because I was hoping that I wouldn't have the need to get through another operation, but now that I opened the eye I saw that my sight isn't perfect at all." 

"You don't know for sure, maybe it'll pass." 

"The doctor has already said that it was possible." 

"Well in that case you'll go through it and we will be by your side." I say smiling and he seems a little bit more relaxed. 

"Come on, breakfast is waiting for us. Arms around my neck and I'll bring you down." 

 

"What would you like for breakfast?" 

"Cereals?" 

"Yeah ok, I have them. I do myself a toast instead." 

When I slide the cup of milk in front of him he smiles "What?" I ask him. 

"I remember eating breakfast with you. And when you had cereals you slurped the milk and I found it gross but you kept doing it." 

"Yeah you are right, it did happened few times." And we are smiling again at each other, when I hear someone ringing at the door. When I go to open I find a very worried Vic. 

"Oh Robert why you didn't call me. I was going mad looking for you. When I arrived yesterday I thought you were already sleeping but today you weren't in your room and..." She goes to hug him. "Why didn't you tell me and Aaron you could have called me too." 

"Sorry I didn't think." 

"Rob why are you here anyway?" 

"Aaron is my friend isn't he? I was thinking that maybe spending time with him and Liv could bring something back. And now I know everything about the locked room at your's and everything about Rebecca." 

Vic is appalled, he pulls me by arm and brought me far away from Robert. "Why did you do that?" 

"He brought it out from me." 

"You told him about you two too?" 

"No of course not, I already said to you what I think about it." 

"You are messing everything out, it's better Robert will be with me for a while. He have to recover and not stress even further."


	17. Chapter 17

20 November 2017

I spent the last week at Vic's. She took some hours off work every day so we spent a lot of time together. 

She told me all about our family and the past. Pat, Sarah who brought me up, my father, Andy. And a lot of accidents that involved them. She is very chatty so it wasn't difficult for her to let me know all that.

She was very strict and forbade me to go outside on my own. She said that I needed rest and I could have it only at home doing basically nothing, spending all day on the couch. 

Despite the Vic's cure and all her stories, nothing new come up to my mind so I ask her to spend more time with Aaron and Liv like I was used to do. 

At the end she convinced herself that wasn't so a bad idea, called Aaron and now she is bringing me at the scrapyard for spending the day with him. 

 

It's a small place, but today Aaron is very busy and I can't talk with him with all the noise that he his making doing his job.

I go inside the cabin then and it isn't difficult find my desk, is the tidiest one. I look into the drawers but there isn't nothing meaningful except some paper about the haulage company which I don't know anything about. 

Instead I find myself doing some paperwork for the scrapyard. 

I'm so busy that I don't even notice Aaron that come inside and now is looking at me. "What are you doing?" 

"Nothing, I found this paperwork and I was doing them." 

"Oh, keep going, is less work for me and Adam then." 

"Where is him by the way?" 

"Oh you can't see him around here before 10:30/11:00." 

"But this isn't fair so you work more than him." 

"No we found our rhythm, I work more in the morning and him in the afternoon." 

And then Adam is entering, yawning and for sure of any help for the next half an hour. It's 11:10, now I think to have an idea about how the things are going on around here.

"Mate you're a mess? Did you sleep at all tonight? You're worse than usual." 

"Oh very funny Aaron." 

"So?" 

"Nothing, I stayed until the first hours this morning at the pub." 

"Why? Vic?" 

Adam groaned something. 

"So what happened?"

"Nothing. Literally nothing. I knew she had the last shift yesterday so I went to the pub hoping to have a chat with her, spend some time together but she was very busy. There was a party in the pub yesterday and the guys stayed there until late and at the end she was alone doing all the work and obviously I wasn't her first problem." 

"Why don't you ask her out on her day off maybe?" Aaron says sarcastically.

"Do you think I wouldn't do it if I would have any chance." 

"You have. She even doesn't hate you anymore." 

"Ah, ah, ah very funny." 

"Well, I could put a good word on you to her." I say to him. 

The both of them turn towards me.  
"You would do that?" Adam asks me. 

"Yeah, why not?" 

"I didn't think I could notice something different in you but I was wrong." Says Adam and Aaron smirks.

When they see that I can't understand what they are talking about Aaron says that me and Adam weren't exactly bests mates and that I hardly would help him to go back with my sister. 

"Well, now I think you would take care to her, she needs someone by her side and you don't seem so bad after all." I say smiling to him. 

"So Robert there isn't no one new in your life?" Asks me Adam, changing the subject, and Aaron gives him a weird glance, maybe he thinks it could upset me talking about this, but right now finding a girlfriend isn't exactly my first priority. I should try to find that famous woman but in the village the women my age are all busy or something and I don't find myself attracted to them. Maybe this girl isn't from Emmerdale or she isn't here now. But I decided to put this subject by the side for now and maybe with the time I could remember something meaningful. 

"No for the moment no." I don't know why we are talking about it, but I need to move the attention from me. I don't like when the people are talking about me on something that I can't remember. 

"Instead you, Aaron, some lucky woman?" I ask him. 

"Ehm, no the only women of my life are Liv and my mum."

"Why bad experience with someone?"

"Well, yeah I'm not so lucky in the relationships but not with women with men." 

I have to look confused again because Aaron explains to me. "I'm gay." 

"Oh, ok, ok, sorry I didn't get it"- I say smiling embarrassed - " so anyway no one in your life?"

Now they are smiling too and keep exchanging those looks. "No no right now, but you weren't far from the truth before, not so long ago I broke up with my boyfriend." 

"Well, I don't think you have lost so much, he was for sure an idiot for leaving you." 

Another glare between the two of them. 

"Yes he was an idiot, but not for that reason, he didn't leave me, I left him." 

"Then he deserved it." 

"Why you say that? You don't even know him." 

"But I know you." And now Aaron looks down, like he is ashamed of something. 

"It's in the past. But it isn't his fault, we have made the wrong decisions that leaded in that. We were in a bad situation and living like that become impossible. I still love him though." He says with a little smile and I know that it's true, from the light in his eyes, and maybe he is missing him. 

"Well now we have to find someone for you too." I say smirking. 

"Yeah we could go outside together sometime, the three of us in some bar in town." Says Adam. 

"But shouldn't you have to get Vic back?"  
Says Aaron smiling at him. 

"You are very funny today Aaron, very funny." Adam starts tickling him. 

"But you two are actually going to work sometime or spend the all day talking about your crushes?" I ask them. 

"Oh yes that's more Robert like." Says Adam still laughing. He is like my sister, a very solar person. 

"Do you fancy a pint?" Adam asks me, opening the fridge. 

"No, I have to be back at Vic's." - I answer - "And you should be working." 

"Why don't you go staying at Aaron's? So I have Vic's house free for when I will be with her again." 

"You are very sure of yourself but yeah, why not? If still Aaron wants me." 

"You know I do, staying with a mate is always funnier and Liv adores you." 

"Yeah, I have to ask why buy a house for only you and your sister?" 

"I'm 25 and I wanted a bit of independence, of freedom." 

"But it's a very big house for the only two of you." 

"Yeah I know but Liv was in love of that house and insisted a lot for me to buy it. I rather preferred a cheaper one but I couldn't say no to her." 

"It should have been very expensive. How you managed to buy it?"

"I had a deposit in the bank." 

"A big one. Someone inheritance?" 

"Yeah, something like that." 

"It must be someone very rich, so why Chas is still working at the pub? With that amount of money you should be sorted for the rest of your life." 

"They were from my father's side. And you did know all about that before but it's a bit of a long story to tell right now." 

"Ok, maybe an other time, now I have to be back at Vic's." 

"Come on, I'll drive you there while we go to the pub for lunch." He says Aaron pointing towards him and Adam.

 

I finally managed to cook for Vic today. I know that she is going to like it, because it smells so good. Cooking is another thing that I am able to do without remembering how, but I'm sure that's a kind of gene running in the family. 

Once we are at the table eating and Vic have finished moaning about the day at work I talk to her about Aaron.  
"Why didn't you tell me he is gay?" 

"I didn't think it was so important, what changed now that you know?" 

"No, nothing but I could have said something wrong. He's a very good looking guy I could have done some comments that could have offend him.". 

"Why do you say is good looking?" She asks and I only now notice what I just said and I'm slightly embarrassed for let this escape my mouth. 

"I don't know, compared with other people I think he is in a very good position. Don't you think?" 

"Oh yeah I think so" -she says smirking at me- "I even dated him once."

"You and Aaron? Are you serious?" 

"Yeah it was ages ago, when he still wasn't out about his sexuality." 

"Wow, ok, but it still seems weird. Anyway I was thinking to move in with Aaron and Liv." 

"Why?"

"Well, you're busy at work and you are hardly ever at home so I stay almost always alone. Aaron is less linked to the work and I can join him at the yard, and maybe restart working again. Plus Liv is making all this easier, I don't have a lot of friends but she, despite the age gap, is wonderful with me." 

"Ok, ok, fine. I didn't want to oblige you to stay here and I know that you will have fun with Aaron and Liv but I still think that you should wait until they take off your plaster at the leg." 

"Yeah fine, I don't want to be a problem for them." 

Vic seems a bit disappointed now. "What?" I ask her. 

"Nothing. It's only that it's been ages from when I lived all alone." 

"You won't be alone for long." 

"Why?" 

"Maybe Adam could move back in." 

"Adam? Why? You know that we are not together anymore." 

"Yeah and I also know that he still loves you. Maybe you could give him another chance."

"How do you know?" 

"I saw it in his eyes and I can see in yours that he still matters to you too." That makes Vic slightly embarrassed but then she is smiling at me, knowing full well that I'm right. 

I'm happy for them, mostly for Vic because that's a good distraction for her from all the things happened in the last period, my accident included and now she really deserves to be loved.


	18. Chapter 18

28 November 2017

I'm at the hospital, after waiting a couple of hours, despite the appointment, they finally have taken off my plaster. 

Now they are visiting me, checking the arm, the ribs that are still hurting sometimes but nothing I can't bear. Then a optician visits me too in order to understand if I need that operation or not. It doesn't seems so bad like it was a couple of weeks ago and so they decide to wait. I didn't notice before but I can see much better. 

Before sending me home they can not ask me some question about my memory. 

"So Mister Sugden how things have been in the last month?"

"Fine, but I suppose you want to know about my memory." Vic is smiling beside me nodding for me to going on. "Well, the most things I know right now is because someone told me." 

"You didn't remember anything on your own?" 

"Only small things, nothing important." 

"Everything is important Mr Sugden." - says the doctor - "Your sister told me that now you know everything about the accident. When your friend told about it how did you feel? And how do you feel now?" 

"Well, at the beginning I was a bit taken aback but I think it would be a common reaction for anyone, then I basically put that behind me. Anyway I don't remember Rebecca so I can't cry over her."

"I don't know your relationship with Ms White and it isn't my business. All I have to know is if after the things you learned about your past it ever happened for you to be traumatized in some way?" 

"No of course not. I'm fine, I'm happy, despite it feels like I'm not living my life. Every day I discover something that it was normal before and now I can't remember, but I'm in someway restarting to live normally. By what the people that knew me say, I don't usually do what the old Robert would. So it happens that I feel out of character." 

"Well, I think that your family and friends can tell you everything you need, maybe I'd recommend a bit of tact. And then you have to don't stress too much so try to take some hours every day to relax."- And at that, Vic is sending me a glare saying 'I did say so too.'- "And finally but it's the most important thing right now you have to do physiotherapy for the leg for leave the crutches and restart to walk on your own." 

"Ok, doctor and where do you think it's better to do it?" Asks Vic. 

"You're still young Mr Sugden so I think the better, faster way and for sure less boring for you is going an hour a day in the swimming pool." 

"Swimming?" Vic asks and when the doctor nods she turns to me "You know, you loved swimming, you were a little champion when you were younger and you are a strong swimmer so I thinks it's amazing for you." And she smiles at the doctor. 

I don't feel properly enthusiast about that but I don't think I have another choice. 

"Ok Mister Sugden, all  
settled, keep using that ointment for yours ribs and call me for anything."

 

Once outside the hospital, Vic see right away that something is bothering me, since I'm full in my thoughts and I'm not listening to her. 

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing it's only that I'm not so happy about doing this rehabilitation at the pool." 

"Why not?" 

"I don't want to be like an old man, stay by the side of the pool moving my legs super slowly. The doctor said it wouldn't be boring, I can't imagine the other possibility." 

"I think you can arrange something with the physiotherapist and maybe you can go with Liv or Aaron, since in a couple of days you will be with them." 

"We'll see."


	19. Chapter 19

2 December 2017

Robert is moving in today and in someway it's weird. Basically we stayed at the Mill together only for few weeks, despite all the work we put into this house we never used and lived it properly. When Liv returned in Emmerdale Rob wasn't living here anymore. Our dream of living all together never realized. 

Vic brought him here with all the boxes that were in the spare room. Boxes that stayed closed for all this time and are moved from place to place. 

I, Vic and Liv are carrying all inside while Rob is on his crutches supervising and he seems like the old Robert who gave orders but he didn't move a single finger. 

 

Once all is settled and Vic left we find the three of house standing still in the living room looking around and when ours eyes meet we start to laugh like idiots. 

It's like we don't know anymore how to act around each other. Luckily there is Liv that says to Robert to pull his stuff in my room while she decide something to watch tonight, as it would be necessary choose it now, and I start making lunch.

 

We are all around the table eating and what seemed uncomfortable few hours ago now is gone. Liv and Robert are talking about all and nothing, most of all movies. And we are laughing a lot, taking the mick out of Robert. Now that there is Robert the atmosphere is more relaxed than when me and Liv where on our own. 

"So Robert now that you have took the plaster off how do you feel?" Asks Liv. 

"Less dangerous." -He smirks.- "With that thing I was a public danger." 

"You never were Mr agility you know." She keeps teasing him. 

"And for sure I won't be this time." 

"Come on after the rehabilitation you'll be like new." She says. 

Rob nods but now isn't smiling anymore, it keeps playing with the left food on the plate. 

"Robert, is everything all right?" I ask.

"Yeah fine." 

"You don't know me anymore but I know you and I know that there is something bothering you." 

"I have to do the rehabilitation at the pool." 

"So?" 

"I don't like to be in the middle of a swimming pool together with a bunch of old men while there is people everywhere looking at me like I am a sort of weird attraction." 

"Why you would be that? Don't be ridiculous." 

Liv is trying so hard to not laugh. 

"What is there so funny to laugh about?" Rob asks now slightly offended. 

"The Robert Sugden I know would never let some idiots let scare him off." 

"Well I'm not the Robert Sugden you knew." He says sharply. 

"Hey, calm down, why don't the two of us go to the pool with you? To take you company." 

Robert shrugs - "And what, stay there doing some stupid exercise with me?" 

"Well I was thinking, go with you to the pool and then we go swimming and when we pass next to you we laugh at you." I say. 

That makes him smile and look at me. 

"Come on, you are young and strong, you wouldn't need to go there for long. When it starts?" 

"Next week. But I have to go every day. An hour a day." 

"Well we could go in the first afternoon. Once I finished work and Liv is back from school." 

"You could go. I won't." Says Liv. 

"What? Why?" 

"Because I don't want to. You don't need me. You can go with him alone." And she storms outside. 

 

I just finished dishes and I think that I'm alone at home right now. Liv isn't back yet and I think Robert is outside too so I decide to go out, maybe I can find one of them. 

I haven't yet closed the front door when I see the two of them sitting on the bench.

They haven't see me but I can hear them. 

"So why don't you want to come to the pool. And don't say that simply you don't fancy to, or there is no reason. I know there is something up." 

"How?" 

"Because like you saw before I do the same. I'm not so different Liv." 

Liv now is no more with his head between his hands and she is looking at him, and she finally speaks, so low that I hardly hear her.

"I'm not so a good swimmer. I didn't learn very well. When I was a kid we hardly never went to the beach. What I know it's from some courses I did at school and then the few times I went I was usually joked by my friends because I wasn't good enough." 

"So why did you do the same thing to me before?" 

"I don't know. I guess I didn't want the attention on me." 

Robert stays silent for a while and then he looks at her and smiles. "It's like what I said to you one day about the bullies, that they act like that because they are the most insecure one. And we have done the same thing, we don't want to be judged so we run away from things or we are the first to point the finger against someone else." 

Liv smiles and looking at them I'm very proud. It's wonderful seeing them talking so easy about stuff. And maybe Rob it's really what Liv needs. Under some aspects he is really better than me. 

"Do you remember?" 

"Yeah, you were sat on the floor looking through some photos with your dad. Noah was stalking you. Yes I remember that." 

"And what about it? You remember why he was doing it?" 

"I guess he was jealous about you." 

"So it's not a clear memory?" 

"No, no it's all confused, how do you understand that?" 

"It's only that there is a lot more to it and I was hoping that you would remembered everything about it. It would be a great step forward." 

I remember that they had a chat when Noah was bulling her and it wasn't the first time. In that period with Robert we were on and off in a matters of hour. With the death of Gordon and all that I was a right mess and Robert never left me or Liv alone. He could have stayed far away from her considering how she used to behave around him but he didn't, he always fought so hard for me and our family.

"So will you go to the pool with us please?" He asks her grinning playfully. 

Liv nods smiling at him while he puts an arm around her shoulders and surprising enough she doesn't push him away. "I don't have a swimsuit though." 

"Well, I don't think it would be a problem if tomorrow we'll go to the store and buy you one." 

"No I don't think so." She keeps smiling and snuggles in Robert's embrace. 

Robert's turns his head towards me and winks smiling. He knew I was here all along.


	20. Chapter 20

4 December 2017

Robert stayed at home today doing something on the computer, but I think that after the weekend spent with us, he has the right to stay on his own. Who knows what is going through his mind right now. Luckily he speaks to us but I think that there are still some things that he keeps for himself. 

Last Friday he agreed the schedule at the pool with his physio and in the meantime he booked some lessons for Liv, a couple every week, no more because he knew she wouldn't gone all week. 

I don't know how it'll go, but it's beautiful doing something together, considering we never had the time. 

 

I'm late, Adam kept talking about the fact Vic accepted to go to the cinema with him. He was worried to do something wrong. I simply said to him to act normal, maybe not talk too much but anyway it would be good. Vic fell in love with him once, it could happen again. 

When I arrive at home, Liv and Robert are both feigning indifference. Robert is still at the computer, or again, I want to hope, while Liv is on the couch doing her homework and I think that this is meaningful enough. The chat they had the other day didn't change the fact that they would prefer to stay at home. 

"Hey sorry I'm late, are you two ready? I go to make my bag and in a couple of minutes we can leave." 

 

When I came back downstairs, they are in the exact same position than before. "Are you two kidding me? Come on, stand up, that we are already late the first day." 

"So we can not go, if we are late they'll put us under a bad light until the beginning." Says Robert.

"We aren't late, we are late for doing all the thinks in a relaxed way. So get up and get in the car." 

Robert has spent a couple of days with Liv and under her influence became one of the more childish person I know. It's like living with two kids right now. 

 

Half an hour later we are at the swimming pool in time for the physiotherapy. Liv's course is booked for fifteen minutes later. 

We go to the respective locker rooms, me and Rob to the male's one and Liv to the female's one. 

When we enter, luckily there is no one. It's not like it's a big problem but changing in a small room full of people I don't know, isn't exactly my favorite thing to do. 

I take my clothes off and I put the bathrobe on for changing in my swim trunks while Robert went in the bathroom. 

He is beside me few minutes later wearing only his blue speedo. I always have been more comfortable with something longer. 

Instead Robert doesn't seems to have any problem. I already saw him wearing it, he bought it during the holiday in Mauritius. He said that he was too hot with the shorts. But seeing him now, after all this time is moving something in me, something I have never felt in the last period. 

It's very tight, is embracing his ass perfectly and it doesn't leave more to the imagination. Oh, I would like to put my hands on his cheeks and giving a good squeeze. His meat under my palms, I miss it so much, so strong, muscled but smoothie and delicate under the touch. 

And the front side is even better, with the right...wait a minute...oh shit! I was daydreaming, lost in Robert's body and I didn't notice that he turned towards me and now he's staring right back at me. 

"Aaron, are you ok?" 

"What? Yeah, I'm fine. I was...distracted." And I smile to him, hoping he doesn't notice me blushing. 

"Right" - he says putting his bathrobe on- "It's better going now that we are here." So I let him lean on me, putting his arm around my shoulders and we go inside. 

He could have gone alone but it was better not force the leg yet and entering with the crutches it wasn't the best idea. 

 

It was ages ago when I went here for the last time. Isn't a big pool but luckily is not too crowded. 

We talked with the receptionist at the entrance and she said that the physiotherapist would have been next to the lifeguard chair along the last lane. 

Liv it's already here, sat in a corner on the benches around the pool. 

 

We see a man, who is supposed to be the physiotherapist, talking already with few people along the side of the pool. 

Robert was right, they aren't exactly young, except for a woman that could be around her forty's. 

I leave Robert go forward while he presents himself to the man, who if I remember right is the Doctor Hemah. 

"Mr Sugden right?" Asks the doctor. 

"Yeah, right." And they shake hands. 

"And you are?" He asks me. 

"A mate. I only accompanied him here. See you later Robert." I say smiling to him. 

 

"Come on Liv. Let's go inside." 

We leave the bathrobes and go inside. The water isn't cold how I expected, it's lightly warm. There are few people swimming in the other lanes so we have this only for ourselves and it's next the one it'll be in Robert. 

We aren't really swimming right now, we are along the side chatting and waiting for Robert to enter in the water.  
"I want to see him. He'll be grumpy for the whole hour." She says. 

"Yeah, like you." I say smiling to her. 

 

After a couple of minutes Robert and the rest of the patients enter in the pool.   
The Doctor stays outside to let them see the right movement they have to do. 

Robert gives at us a glare and seeing that we are there waiting like we were about to watch a movie, he tells us not very gently to go and swim and stop staring him. 

 

The firsts guys in Liv's course are coming so she goes with them while I start swimming.   
I never been a champion but I decided to give it a try, I go with the free style, which is the only one I can do by the way. Today is the first day so I'll start with half an hour. Maybe this will work to me too. I'll count the laps and try to improve tomorrow and in the next days. 

 

Between a lap and another I see Robert and the others doing some exercises. They are four, two older men that I think had the lesion both on the legs while the younger woman had a broken hip. 

It seems that the Doctor is asking them to do all the movements very slowly. He makes change them every exercises after few minutes. 

After fifteen minutes I stop at the end of the lap and I see that Robert seems a bit bored, he is doing the exercises without attention chatting with the woman that I think is called Mary. He is all smiley and I know that face, he is using his charm right now, like he did with me once. 

I'm upset, I didn't think I would never felt this way again. I promised myself that I would trust him. But he is free and single, and I decided to let him make his own way now. 

While my mind is taking me elsewhere I see a ring on Mary's finger.   
He was only trying to be friendly to the only person around his age and I feel so stupid for only thinking otherwise. 

It's better leave it and keep swimming that is the best thing I could do right now to not make me watch by all the people in the pool. 

 

I finished my half an hour of swimming and I'm not really happy about my speed, I was too distracted to swim in the right way. 

Now that I'm outside I'm cold, I should go and have a shower but I see that Robert and Liv are still inside so I wait them on the benches. 

 

Mr Hemah is shouting something to Robert who like the worst schoolboy isn't paying attention and not doing his exercises properly.

I can't not smirk when all the people in hear shot turn to look at him. And Mary who he was talking to, can't stopping laughing and tries to look somewhere else. 

It's better that these exercises became more challenging or I think the probabilities to go to the end of the week are very low. 

 

I didn't notice before but the lifeguard is smirking at the scene too. 

He's a tall, very fit and muscled guy. Has blond hair and green eyes. In some way he has Robert's features. But his skin is very tanned and maybe he could be younger. It's obvious he does a lot of physical activity. He is wearing a red pair of speedo and a very tight tank top, red too. 

I didn't give him much attention before but now he seems particularly interested in Dr Hemah physiotherapy. 

"Oi, if you keep staring at him he will notice you." I turn suddenly, Liv caughts me mid act. 

"No I'm not." 

"You sure? He seems quite fit." 

"Yeah I noticed that." The jealously of before is back. How can I be so paranoid and stupid? But at the same time I can't avoid it. I love Robert and I don't want him near anyone else. I keep being selfish. I promised myself that it would no longer be a problem and here we are again. Why? Why, my head keeps traveling in that way, stop it! 

 

The session is over and the Doctor is helping his patients to go out from the pool.

I stand up to go and pick Robert up and bring him back to the locker rooms but I'm preceded. 

The lifeguard is giving him his hand and after an exchange of looks Robert takes it.


	21. Chapter 21

6 December 2017

We have just finished the third session at the pool and every one seems longer. 

Luckily tonight Robert is stopping at Vic's. I didn't think I could never say that, but right now I would pay for few hours without Robert rambling about the amazing lifeguard Paul. 

Since he met him on Monday they became best friends. Paul's jokes about Doctor Hemah, his voice or his mannerisms caught Robert's attention and now he is spending all the physiotherapy session exchanging looks with him. 

During the drive home he keeps talking about him. 

'You know Aaron, Paul won his first swimming competition when he was six.' 

Or 

'Aaron you have no idea how many trophies Paul has got.' 

Today Paul asked Robert if he fancied a drink and only because he had already made programs with Vic he refused it. 

And all the appreciation about is physic, I am actually exhausted about it. 

 

I'm sat at the table with the head between my hands and with my eyes closed. I really needed a pause. 

"Aaron, is the dinner ready?" Asks Liv coming downstairs. 

"Sorry, what?" I'm still in my world and I didn't even notice her. 

"The dinner? I'm starving." 

"The dinner of course. Ehm...not, there isn't much. Would you like if I order pizzas?" 

"Ehm, yeah sure. Aaron are you ok?" 

"Yeah, sorry I lost track of time." 

 

We are sat on the couch, eating the pizza and watching a film Liv picked up, but I'm not interested at all. 

I keep traveling with my mind. I don't want Robert to keep seeing him. Maybe he is not even gay, although I think he is, but anyway I don't want him to find out. 

Maybe staying with this guy could bring back to him something. He could be attracted to a guy again. But if he would be, I don't want Robert to discover that with him. He has to keep the distance.

 

I didn't even notice that the film is finished and Liv is looking at me."Aaron, are you ok? And..before you say anything, don't bother saying you're fine because obviously you' re not." 

"How do you know that?" 

"Because, I learnt to know you in these two years. So come on, spit it out. Is it Robert?" 

I shrug and I don't look at her. 

"It's him or Paul? Do you fancy Paul and you're jealous Robert is bonding with him?" 

"Of course not. He's not my type." 

"So you are jealous of Paul instead?" 

I look at her and I nod. 

"Seriously? Why do you think Robert would find him attractive? He is only a 1.90 guy, with sculpted muscles and so hot to dry the pool only by his presence." She says smiling to me sarcastically. 

"Very funny Liv. I'm serious here. What if he falls for him?" 

"How? He doesn't even know that he's bisexual." 

"He doesn't need to learn that. It's something you are and you can't change." 

"Well don't you think that, if he feel something for that guy, something that he thought he would never felt, he would ask himself some question and before trying anything at all, he would try to understand better, asking maybe his sister or you, the people who knew him before??" 

"Yeah maybe, but he's Robert after all and he isn't well known for asking for help. And you know how he took it the first time, it could happen again." 

"What all the affair, explosion of his car, helicopter crash and death of three people? Well I hope not." Keeps Liv saying like it was the most normal thing in the world. 

"I only think that he would be alone. And Robert alone is never a good think." 

"Yeah and it's only that, that is worrying you, sure. It's not because your jealous." 

"Yes Liv is because I'm jealous! You're happy know?" I snapped to her. 

"Yes I'm happy. Why is so difficult to admit it for you?"

"I shouldn't be jealous, I decided to not say nothing to him, about his sexuality or about our story. And there was the risk that he would know someone and make a life with them and I can't be jealous." 

"You can and you are, and you don't need to make a big deal about it. Why don't you tell him about your story?" 

"I can't. Maybe he doesn't feel the same as he used to. Maybe I would ruin this friendship we built. We never were friends before, and I don't want to jeopardize it. And beside, he thinks that his famous love is a woman." 

"But aren't you, who tell that the feelings can't be changed? If he loved you before, he can do it again. He is the same underneath." 

"The circumstances are different so he is different too." 

"Come on Aaron. Stop with all these excuses. If you want him and you don't want to lose him, go and get him." 

I snort at this affirmation. 

"Help him to remember what happened between the two of you. You can't stay here all day and think that he would remember everything without help, seeing that since he left the hospital all he knows is basically what we told him. Take him somewhere meaningful for you. Make him do something you used to do together. Start from the beginning, from where you two met the first time. Anything at all, but fast because he can't wait forever his memory's came back and I can't bare you moping about him anymore."


	22. Chapter 22

8 December 2017

It's the fifth day of physiotherapy and I can't remember nothing more boring than this. Luckily since I met Paul everything is more bearable.  
Doctor Hemah instead shouts at me more and more often but I I'm trying to not consider him.

I feel good physically, very good actually. I know that isn't past much from when they took off the plaster, but now I can do a lot more things on my own. I avoid to run or jump obviously, but I don't use the crutches anymore at home, and when I go outside I convinced Aaron to use only one of them.

The Doctor keeps saying that it's better have a slow recover, but at the end of the day, the body is mine and I feel myself almost perfect. Especially when I swim because I don't put the same pressure to the leg. So I don't understand why I have to keep doing that stupid exercises, and I can't swim like all the other people. I didn't ask to run a marathon. But the doctor ignored all my protests.

 

Finally today he left me doing a couple of laps with a float board, without forcing too much but it was better than nothing.

At the beginning I felt weird and my legs, my muscles felt heavy but then all seemed normal, like I was used to stay in the water, like it was my element.

I was feeling my muscles aching but it wasn't in pain, it was like a machine that didn't work since a long time. Then after few minutes, it was easier, I was able to go faster and the weight was the float board now. I left it and I went underwater with my head, I opened my eyes and all seemed a dream. A mix of sensation that I couldn't relate with anything. My vision was blurred and maybe due to my eye my head began to spin.

Someone brought me up, was Mary.

"Mr Sugden are you ok? What you were doing?" Doctor Hemah was shouting at me.

"Yeah I'm fine, why?"

"Why?? I asked you to do a couple of laps, and you suddenly left the float board and disappeared underwater. Isn't exactly what I wanted!"

"Ok sorry."

"Come on, finish your laps."

 

So at the end, despite the Doctor now obviously hates me, I managed to swim on my own more or less.

And the best thing was that after the session Paul like usually, mocked the doctor and made me laugh and forget the bad day.

He is a very nice guy. I'm so lucky to have met him. I can't talk to Aaron during the physiotherapy or with no one else for the matter, but I can clearly see Paul near his chair smiling at me or doing something to make me laugh and distract.

I think we could be friends. We could hang out together, he could meet Aaron too. I know Aaron will like him, is funny, smart and gorgeous. Maybe I could set him up with Paul, I don't know if he is gay but he could be.

And he has an amazing body, his shoulders and his back all toned, and his legs are the end of the world. If I can notice it, for sure Aaron did. I'm surprised, he said nothing about Paul. Maybe he is jealous that I pass a lot of time with him, because he would have liked to make a move.

But I think I could help them to be together. Next week I'm going to present Aaron to Paul and I'll not have Aaron run away. And we could go to town or maybe he could invite him at the Mill.

 

I tried to talk about it during the dinner but Aaron stormed outside the house as soon as I pronounced his name. I wanted to go after him and ask if I did something wrong but Liv said that it was better leave it.

So here I am, putting the dishes in the dishwasher while Liv is gone upstairs listening some CDs at an awkward volume. I think all the village can listen it.

It's still half past nine and is early to go to bed, but Aaron isn't come home yet so I turn on the Tv trying to watch something entertaining.

After half an hour I give up and I go to the bed but I can't sleep, I keep thinking what I could possibly have done wrong.

Luckily around eleven I hear the front door open. I bet he was at the pub having a couple of pint with Adam.

I can finally close my eyes and sleep.

 

_I'm at the swimming pool. I'm doing my laps. I leave the float board and I go under water._

_I open my eyes._

_Water everywhere._

_Clean, blue, I look down seeing the bottom of the pool not so far away._

_I blink and when I open my eyes again the bottom isn't there anymore._

_The water isn't clean like before, is dark green, almost brown._

_I try to swim up, to get outside but my hands touch something rough, I'm inside something, I can't swim._

_I suddenly realize that I can't breathe, the water is filling my lungs._

_I can't speak, I can't move, I can't find help._

_I can't remember, how I finished here? What happened?_

_It must be a nightmare. Maybe if I pinch myself...._

_Yeah it was a nightmare, now I can breath again._

_I open the eyes but there is still water up to my shoulders._

_I'm sat in a car._

_I try to watch outside but it's all water._

_What the hell is this? A nightmare in a nightmare?_

_Only now I notice that I'm sat on the passenger side. The light is very poor and it doesn't help me, but I see that there is someone next to me._

_Aaron._

_Aaron?!_

_Oh my God!_

_He is leaning on the car's door._

_"Aaron! Aaron wake up!" I touch him on the shoulder until he regains consciousness._

_He is scared, he asks me what happened and I find myself explaining it to him, despite I don't know it myself. Then he wants to know about Lachlan and although I have no idea who he is, I answer again._

_It's like when you dream but there are some things different, it's almost as I'm having a dream of someone else, or more like a nightmare of someone else._

_It's like watching a movie where you are the main character but is someone else that makes you move or speak._

_I only understand that Aaron is trapped by the steering column and I have to help him._

_I take a deep breath and I go down, but it's hard, I can't see well, suddenly my eye can't see like the past weeks. It's all blurred and I try different times to go down and pull out Aaron but I barely know what I'm doing._

_When I go up to take a breath and give another try, Aaron is crying, he says me to stop, to leave him._

_I'm panicking, I have no idea what to do, what to say._

_"Robert I love you, ok? I love you. Please just go." And he disappears underwater._

_I feel droplets streaming down my face, but then I realize that are tears._

_I can't see nothing, I close the eyelashes to regain focus but when I open them again I'm underwater, I turn to Aaron and I see him unconscious._

_I try to pull him but he isn't moving. I call him "Aaron! Aaron!" but nothing escapes from my mouth._

_My nose, my mouth are filling with water._

_I don't know how but suddenly I'm outside the car and I see it sinking with Aaron still inside. I try to swim downwards and reach it. But the distance between us grows more and more._

_Aaron! Aaron! Aaron!_

 

"Aaron! Aaron! Aaron!"

"Yes, yes, I'm here. I'm here, don't worry."

How can he be here? He is drowning. "Aaron, I'm so sorry, I can't reach you. Please Aaron forgive me."

"Hey, hey, I'm here. Calm down."

Aaron keeps talking to me, but I see the car and it's so deep in the water.  
Then I realize that the voice is coming from my head. It's all so confused.  
I'm crying but I'm in the water, so is impossible to feel that and maybe to do that too. My breath is labored. I can't understand anything anymore.

After few seconds I start to understand what it is around me. My eyes now are closed, but I can feel the tears on my cheeks. My hands move and I feel the sheets but are all wet, and only now I realize that I'm sweating, despite I'm shivering from the cold. It's like when you have the fever.

And then I notice an hand on my forehead, between my hair, moving back and forth and slowly my breath calms down.

I open the eyes and I see Aaron staring right back at me. "Where am I?"

"Robert, you're safe, we are at the Mill."

"Aaron. Are you ok? I saw you, you were in the car...and it was sinking...you'were inside, I know, I saw you. I tried...but...the water...and..."

"Calm down Robert. I'm good. Everyone is good, ok? It was only a nightmare alright?"

"But it felt so real. It wasn't like every dream and...I..."

"Hey, Robert, it's fine. Try to relax and go back to sleep, we are in the middle of the night. And then tomorrow we can talk about it."

"Yeah, but I...it could be a memory. It is something that happened to me?"

"It was only a bad dream. Now try to sleep." And he stands up from the bed.

"No Aaron wait." -And I catch his arm.- "Please stay."

He is now looking back at me and despite the darkness in the room I see that a mix of emotions is passing through his eyes.

"Please, at least until I fall asleep."

He seems fighting inside but then smiles at me kindly.

"Ok, I'll stay here, now close your eyes and try to sleep."

He lays on the bed next to me and keeps running his fingers between my hair slowly until the repetitive movement makes me close my eyes and I doze off with him by my side.


	23. Chapter 23

9 December 2017

Some banging from the workers at the end of the road wake me up. I watch the time on the clock, it's 9:30. Why I feel so tired then? With a yawn I finally go out from the bed. I go to the ensuit bathroom, rubbing my eyes, to wash my face. Looking at the mirror I see two black shadows under my eyes. It's like I didn't sleep all night.

And then I remember. The dream. Waking up in the middle of the night soaking by sweat. Aaron by my side or he was in the dream too?

I have to clear up my mind. I go downstairs and I notice that the house is in total silence. Probably Aaron and Liv are already out despite being Saturday.

I take a cup of black coffe and I sit at the kitchen table. I start to think again about that dream, it felt so real someway. Maybe the pool, the water, being able to swim, brought back that memory. But on the other hand, if something like that happened to me why no one told me. Well, obviously it wouldn't be something good to remember but I think that's pretty important anyway.

What I don't understand is that in the dream Aaron was with me in the car, and when I was outside he was still trapped. It's not clear in my head. Maybe someone helped us and pulled us out from the car. But why in the first place we were in a car underwater? Isn't exactly a thing that happens every day.

And that words. I love you. It didn't seemed the same I love you I could say to a friend, for sure the desperation and the panic of the situation brought out something more. I really don't know what happened, but I have to ask Aaron and if that memory is true, he can't deny it.

 

I see that the blankets and the pillow are still on the couch, it's weird because Aaron usually folds and tidies everything before going to work. That by the way is the only thing that he doesn't left in a right mess. I see that his boots which normally uses for work are under the sofa. And there isn't a disaster in the kitchen, so he didn't have breakfast, so he isn't definitely go to work without the right amount of energy.

I have my jogging bottoms on and my pajamas t-shirt. I can't go outside like this. I find Aaron's black hoodie on the side of the couch and I put it on. I take my crutch and I go out. I think that if someone would look at me right now he would think that I'm running away from a retirement home or something like that.

It didn't seem yesterday but now that I'm walking outside all on my own it looks more difficult that what I thought. I can move the leg but this weeks without using it made it more difficult just the action from itself. Maybe the doctor was right after all, not that I would never admit it to him.

 

Once at the end of the Mill's pathway I don't know where to go to find him but the car is still here so he can't be too far. He could be at the pub maybe talking to his mum, but it went yesterday and if he wanted to talk to her he had his chance. I could go to Gabby's to talk to Liv, but I don't know if she has any idea of where he is or if she would tell me anyway. I keep walking and I find myself near the church, I can see the bridge from here and the cricket pavilion between the trees. Vic told me that when someone want to stay alone it would be a good place to go.

I see that the path is going down now, and if going up was difficult, going down is worse, and plus it's very slippery.

The only thought to have to go up at the end to the bridge for reach the pavilion is making me want to go back at home. But luckily I see Aaron on the bridge leaning with his arms on the banister.

I go beside him and I lean on the banister too, trying to give my leg some rest.

"Hey!" I say to him.

"Hey." He keeps looking at the water running under the bridge.

"Why you came down here?"

"I needed to think. Sorry I should have told you. I had planned to be back and make you breakfast but I lost track of the time."

"And why I would deserve that?" I ask smirking to him.

"I wanted you to wake up better than how you slept."

"So it's true? I had a nightmare and you were there?"

"Yeah it is."

"And what about it? It did happen?"

"What?"

"The accident. Come on Aaron you know what I'm talking about." He is trying to avoid the matter, he isn't looking at me.

"What accident? You didn't say much yesterday, I only understood that I was in trouble or something like that. I didn't pay enough attention, I was trying to calm you down." His head is still elsewhere.

"Are you alright? I never saw you like this since...well, since I remember."

Aaron nods. "Sure, come on, tell me about your dream." He says, forcing a smile, and turning slightly to me.

"Well, it all began in the pool, I was doing my lap like I did during the previous day. I left the float board in the same way and I went down. It was like living again that afternoon, but then all changed and I was in a car under water and you were there with me." I say looking at him, but he is trying to avoid my eyes.

"You were trapped, and the level of the water was increasing more and more. I tried to help you but I couldn't." Now all seemed more vivid, like living that again.

"And then I was outside the car but you were still inside and I couldn't do anything." Now I was almost screaming. "I didn't help you. I left you to die. What kind person am I?"

Aaron still wasn't looking at me. "Aaron? Say something please."

"You are a better person than what you think. You saved my life."

"I..no...I.."

"Please let me finish. Yeah, what you dreamt about it did happen, but it didn't go in that way. There was a car crash, we ended up down the road, in a lake. And yes, I was trapped under the steering colon, you tried to free me, we tried together. But differently with the dream, you brought me out and you saved my life."

"How? You were trapped and after some efforts, you gave up, you told me to get out, to leave you."

"That's true too. I couldn't let you ruin your life for me, but like you often do, you didn't listen to me and in someway you rescued me."

"I know that I would never let you die in there, it was impossible for me in that dream and it's obviously impossible in the reality too." I smile to him and he looks back at me and I see he is crying. "Aaron are you ok? Oh I'm sorry, it must have been a tough time for you. I'm sorry to have brought this kind of memories back." I put my arms around him and I hold him tight. He tries to contain himself but then lets himself go and exchange the hug.

"I know, you think that it was a bad memory for me, but it wasn't, at all, it was one of the best..." - Aaron keeps talking but I see the banister of the bridge over Aaron's shoulder, and it's not the first time. I already had the same prospective once.

_It was darker, colder maybe, but it was the exactly same sensation. It was Aaron I was holding on me, right here on this bridge._ \- "...sometimes the worst nightmare becomes the best dream, you know..." - Aaron keeps talking but I can't distract myself, I have to understand what happened that night because, yeah I know this is a memory too. I'm sure.

_Aaron's breath is labored, but he is slowly calming down_. I would like to understand what happened before but it's like a screen shot. _I feel him against me, holding tight. His nose buried in my shoulder, his ear against my neck, we are so close, too close._ \- " ...in fact that was one of the best of my life." - No, no I need to know, I need to remember that on my own.

"Aah!!" I find myself screaming and going on the woods boards of the bridge.

"Ehy Robert are you ok?"

My head hurts but it wasn't nothing more than dizziness. "Yeah I'm fine."

"What happened?"

"I remembered something."

"Well if when you remember something you collapse on the floor maybe is better you not to." He says Aaron trying to put me sat against the banister.

"No...it's only...it was a picture only...I was trying to remember more, but it was fading away so I try to focus on it and I felt that stab in my head."

Now Aaron is sitting beside me, shoulder against shoulder and for the first time is looking back at me waiting for me to talk. "So what was this memory about?"

"We were right here, on this bridge. It was cold and dark. We were hugging and I only can remember the feeling. I remember you sobbing, crying, something strong had happened. I'm sure." And now I look back at him, and I see his eyes still red, and a hint of smile on his lips.

"Yeah it happened too."

"So tell me. I have to know."

"Don't you think to have learnt enough for the day?"

"Come on Aaron, my memory is coming back, you sure can help me. And by the way everything it's better than risk your life on the bottom of a lake."

"Ok, but I can assure you that the lake was nothing compared to other things. Ehm...anyway...yeah we were here and I was sad and angry and you came down here, talked to me and helped me to clear my mind."

"Ok, and why you were like that?" He keeps avoiding the main reason but I need to know.

"I would have had a trial and I didn't want, to go because I didn't think I could win."

"A trial about what? You did something stupid?"

"Well I did a lot of stupid things but not that time."

I was losing my patience. "So why you were in a trial?"

"I said I will tell you and I'll do it. But you have to understand that isn't something easy to talk about for me."

I put my foot in like always, great. "Sorry, I didn't mean..." Aaron stops me, putting his hand on my leg.

"Don't worry, it's only that I need time ok?" I nod and Aaron starts speaking again.

"Well, like I was saying, I did have to go to court for a trial. I already went to the plea that morning and it didn't go like I wanted. My...Gordon...was my and Liv's father, like you know. But it wasn't exactly the best father of the world if we want to use an euphemism. Ehm...it's a long story actually and I don't really want to rethink about all that. Anyway when I was younger before going to stay with my mum, I stayed with him. And well during that period..." He is now looking right back at me, like searching for something in my expression that could tell him to stop talking. "...well...ehm...he raped me."

I seriously didn't expected that, said so abruptly. I must have a face like an idiot because I have my mouth open and my eyes unfocused. Aaron notices my shock too so before I can say anything starts talking again. "Last year he came back in the village and tried to be part again of ours lives by dating my mum. I couldn't bare that and I was in a very dark place. I ended up in hospital with septicemia for cutting myself."

"Wait, so the scars on your chest are..." Aaron nods "oh...I'm sorry, I shouldn't..."

"Robert it's fine. Like I was saying I ended up in hospital, well you brought me to hospital, you find me and brought me there and then, well I told you everything about my dad. You were the first who I told about that and that helped me to confide to my mum too. And well you helped...a lot in that period. You did something stupid too, by the way, but at the end I managed to go to court. And we are at the point of your vision."

I don't know what to say so I ask him to tell me more about it. "Well...and then what happened??"

"I went to the trail and...I won it."

"And your...Gordon??"

"They gave him eighteen years."

"But...I thought he was dead."

"Yeah...ehm...he is...he topped himself in prison."

"I'm sorry." I don't have other words.

"Don't be. It's in the past and besides you have nothing to be sorry...about this at least." And he smiles at me. "You helped me to go through one of toughest time of my life, only staying by my side. It meant a lot."

It's not awkward or weird, despite what Aaron reveled few minutes ago. We are smiling freely for the first time today.

"So what happened in these last days that allowed you to remember all this stuff?" Asks me Aaron.

"I have no idea, maybe different things together, anyway it was about time. I thought I would never remember anything at all and for sure I didn't think it would happened like that."

"We are going near to have our Robert Sugden back."

"Don't you like this one?"

"Oh no, under some aspects it's way better." And we both laugh at that.

"But seriously, all that happened last year?"

"Yeah, crazy isn't it?"

All the stuff about Gordon for sure took a big part of the year and then the car crash which, wait, why Aaron was asking about a certain Lachlan when we were in the car. "Who is Lachlan?"

"He is Rebecca sister's son. Why? Where did you hear that name?"

"In the dream. You were asking about him. Like if he was trapped in that car too."

Now he is pinching the bridge of his nose, for sure not happy about the question. "You know, telling you about all this things it's way worse than I thought it would be. You don't know how the situation was, how we were. Everything it must seem ten time worse. Anyway he was in the boot of the car. I put him in there."

"Wow when I thought it could be enough. I'm even scared to ask you why."

"He threatened you and he couldn't go away with it."

"Ok, I stay with it for the day."

"See the doctor was right. It's best going slowly with this kind of thing."

"Yeah maybe he didn't know with who he was talking about."

Finally reveling a part of our past helped Aaron to feel more confident and relaxed around me. Not that he wasn't before, but for the kind of friends we are supposed to be he was still too reserved. And for sure these things are pretty big and every time avoid them isn't easy at all. "So I can understand that we were used to spend a lot of time together?"

"Yeah in that period we were very close." Now I see an awkward smile on him but he stands up abruptly and this blocks my thoughts. "My ass is getting cold, that boards are all damp and besides I still own you a breakfast. Well maybe a lunch now."

He gives me a hand and helps me to stand up. "So the questions' time for the day is over?"

I nod and Aaron turns to go home. "Wait" I hold is arm "No, there is still one thing that I'd like to know."

"Oh God." He is feigning annoyance now. "Come on, shoot!"

"When we were in the car...you said 'I love you'....and...ehm, why?"

Now Aaron is for sure taken aback, and his cheeks are slightly red.  
"Well, we are friends no? Is something friends say to each other. I care about you and I wanted you to know that. And besides we were on the bottom of a lake in a sinking car, I think I didn't pay much attention on how to say it, don't you think?"

"Yeah sorry, right, I didn't think."

"Come on, let's go."

I let him go, still thinking about it and not completely convinced about the explanation but I can't find a better one.

"No, Aaron wait, help me here, I can't go up this pathway alone."

"Oh I thought you were almost completely recovered and besides you made it before. I thought that the doctor was stupid and didn't understand your problem if I remember rightly."

"Aaron please."

"Oh Robert begging, for sure there is something wrong with you. Come on give me the crutch and lean on me." Aaron says smiling.


	24. Chapter 24

10 December 2017

I don't know for how much longer I can bare sleeping on the couch, my back is aching. The first weeks were good, the sofa isn't small and it's very comfortable but in the last days, I barely closed my eyes. I know it could depend with the actual situation with Robert, but it isn't the first time that I sleep with a leg on the floor or something like that. Well, yesterday I woke up completely on the floor while the covers were still on the couch. A miracle that I didn't catch a cold. Anyway I have to find a new solution. 

I stay still on the couch, looking the ceiling, thinking about yesterday and about all Robert said. He remembered that I said that I love him. I shouldn't but I'm so happy that he remembered those words, maybe it means nothing but maybe he remembered them because were important for him. I smile at the thought. 

"Good dream?" 

"What?" It's Liv that is coming down the stairs, weird I didn't notice her, she isn't exactly a silent person. I must have been too lost in my thoughts. 

"Nothing, I saw you smiling, is a rare thing." 

"What about you make the breakfast for the three of us and keep your thoughts for yourself?" 

"If I burn down the house is your fault." 

 

For the time I and Liv have finished the breakfast, Robert isn't come downstairs yet. When I think to go to wake him I see him on the stairs. Maybe with the last days he needed more time to rest. "Are you ok?"

"Oh yes, I had a very good night of sleep finally." 

"Good, the last days can't have been easy for you." I say smiling to him. 

"Why, what happened?" Asks Liv from behind her phone. 

"Nothing, you know, the lessons at the pool and everything." I answers to her. 

"Sure, why I think you two are keeping something from me??" 

"Because you are incredibly suspicious??" 

"No, because I know you two, too well. He has remembered something, hasn't he?" She asks smiling. 

"Yes, I have. But it isn't something about you." Answers Robert. 

"And what it is about, then?" 

"The car accident and Gordon." 

Liv's face lights up "So you know everything about it?" She asks him. 

"Yes, your brother told me." 

"Really? Everything everything??" 

Now I look at her with my eyes wide open and I shake my head trying to make her shut her mouth. 

"Yeah, what? What I need to know?" Robert asks, looking between me and my sister.

"Nothing, only that you have been sat by his bedside in hospital all the night until he woke up. I can assume he didn't tell you that." She says winking at me while she passes by my side. 

"No he didn't...it was serious then?" Robert asks me. 

"Well I went through surgery and I stayed one night unconscious, nothing too scary." 

"No Robert wasn't scared at all in fact." Liv keeps interrupting us. 

"Oh, ok so it was pretty bad? I'm sorry I can't remember it." 

"Don't worry you'll remember everything with time, I'm sure." I said smiling to him, and I receive a smile back. In some ways it's like the old times when our gestures were linked. 

Liv turns on the tv, and starts some Christmas song from an advertising. - "So I know that happened a lot, recently, but I think that we are the only ones without any decorations, and even for me is a bit sad." - She says from the couch.

"What?" I ask to her, not getting what she is talking about. 

"Christmas, Aaron, Christmas. You know, 25 th of December, Santa, the tree, the lights, all the decorations, it says nothing to you?"

"Yes, yes sorry. I forgot ok? It's the first year that we live on our own. Usually mum puts on all the decorations, I haven't ever do it." 

"Ok, so don't you want to do it? We won't have any tree? Nothing at all?" 

"Yeah sure I'd like to do it, only I haven't anything for Christmas here." 

"So? We can go to town and buy something." 

"Well I think we could ask my mum if we have something in the pub, I'm sure that it won't be necessary to buy anything." 

"Ok can I go then?" 

"How do you think to bring all the stuff back alone?" 

"You come and help me." 

"Ehm, yeah, Robert can come with us too." I say looking between him and Liv. 

"No, he can't, he have to pick a tree." 

"We have an old one at the pub." 

"No, I mean a real one." 

"What? I have no intention to put a real fir in the house. It's already a mess, I don't really need to wipe away needles every day, thank you very much." I point out to Liv. 

"Well, then we can move one of the trees in the garden and put it in the middle of it. And we decorate all with a lot of lights, so the people when pass by, see that this house is actually inhabited." 

"There are a lot of trees in the garden, we can put the lights on them. I don't have intention to move one of them. It's a waste of time, an useless effort, it'll ruin the garden and besides we have to cut the roots to move it and it could die. I don't think it's a good idea." 

"Why? It's not true, you transplant it, why it have to die? And there is no need to ruin the garden. And besides you never cared about that garden. We have used it more or less once, since we live here." 

"Yeah but Robert does, and I don't want him getting angry for it with me." 

"Ehm sorry, I'm still here - " says Robert interrupting our argument - "and when I'll have my memory back is not like I'll forget all these weeks, I'll know what happened and if I decide something the old Robert wouldn't have done, I won't obviously be angry with you two." 

"So do you seriously want to do this?" I ask still angry and disbelieving. 

"Yeah, don't worry, and besides, Christmas day should be happy for everyone so if Liv wants this why not." 

"Are you sure? You are not in the right condition for digging or carrying a tree, especially on your own." 

"Oh, come on Aaron, give me a shovel and I'll show you." 

"It's outside." I say to him not completely happy about this idea though. 

"So, can we go and take all the decorations from Chas?" Asks me Liv, in a mix of excitation and exasperation. 

"Yeah, see you later." I say smiling to Robert, who understands how annoyed I am about this thing. 

 

While we are walking to the pub, I ask Liv why this sudden hurry. 

"Well I think mainly for two reasons" - she says with a tone of superiority - "First, it's because we are literally the lasts of the whole village and it's pretty sad, and second because I needed an excuse to make you two do something together." 

"What? It doesn't seem that your plan is working very well, I'm with you right now and Robert is doing something worthless on his own." 

"Ooh you are worried about him!" Liv says teasing me.

"Have you finished?" 

"I wanted to talk to you, because you're an idiot. He remembered everything about the crash, so why didn't you tell him about you two? It was your occasion?" 

"I know but I couldn't." - We keep walking, and I know that it's between me and him but finally talking about this stuff with someone is helping me, so I take a deep breath and I tell her. - "He remembered I told him that I loved him while we were in the car." - I say in one breath. 

"See! I told you, you are an idiot. It was the right moment. What are you waiting for? If you keep denying it, and he won't remember it on his own, there is the possibility that you can't be together anymore." 

"Stop saying that, I know. I'll think about something." 

"Well, you can start by spending the day with him, and while you decorate the house, you can talk to him, maybe some mistletoe would do the trick." 

"I don't want to force him into anything" I say to her while we enter in the back of the pub. 

 

I find out that there are some boxes of decorations upstairs. I look into them and aren't exactly new stuff and are very random. I think that decorate with these the tree it would be a mess. There are luckily different indoor and outdoor lights. Anyway I brought all down to Liv who is waiting in the backroom. 

"So have you found something interesting?" 

"I'm not sure, these things are all mixed, are decorations from all the festivities." 

"Well, yes, we have to pick only one things here and one there, otherwise it'll look like your wedding." 

"There are some of that stuff too, here the doves." - I say picking up one of them. - "I'll leave you to choose." 

"What about the tree? You said that should have been here too." 

"Oh yes, I forgot, I go and bring it down. You put in that empty box all the stuff that we won't use so we don't bring at home more than necessary."

 

I forgot how big the old tree was, so I had to put it on a dolly for boxes to help me out, because when Liv see it there is no way she would have left it there. I even propose to buy a new one, a smaller one, but she was sure that this, it would be perfect inside the cottage. 

 

When we are outside the mill, I see a tree in the middle of the garden, soil all over the grass, a shovel, a saw and other tools all around the tree. A right mess like my prevision. 

At the beginning, seems that Robert isn't there, but when I see the tree move and almost fall followed by an help request, I see him behind the tree, trying to put back the soil inside the hole that he made, while holding the tree. 

"Go to help him, I'll go inside and I'll start to sort out the first things." Says Liv. 

 

"I told you it was a bad idea" I say to Robert. 

"It's going well, I only need an hand." 

"You have put upside down all the garden." 

"Shut up and put the soil again in the hole while I keep the tree still. The roots were too thick I had to cut them. I hope that it can root again." 

"Why I have to do that? I thought you could manage on your own." 

"I did more than half of the job, I don't want to strain my leg too much." He smiles, well knowing that it's the right thing to say for me to give up. 

"Yeah, all right." 

 

Ten minutes later, more or less and we have finished. "Well done mate." Robert says, and for the first time I see him without the tree in front of him. He is all covered of soil and he has needles everywhere in his hair. 

"Ehm maybe you need a shower." I say pointing at his state and picking a needle from his disheveled hair.

He looks at his shirt and then at me and start to laugh. "Yeah maybe I need one."

 

When we go inside, Liv has already began to decorate. A set of lights is already positioned around the fire place and at the base of the window. A couple of snow globe on the shelf of the fireplace. Garlands everywhere, on the bookshelves, around the vespa and on the kitchen's cabinets. But the thing that catches my eyes, is a ladder in front of the columns of the kitchen, with Liv on top of it trying to fix all the lights between the top of a column and the other, with other garland at the feet of the ladder. "Liv why are you up there?" I ask to her slightly worried. 

"I'm putting this up here, the garlands around the columns and then I only have to decorate the tree. What do you think?" 

"It's amazing. I like it." Says Robert. 

"I don't care if you like it. She shouldn't have climbed the ladder on her own. I can't bare an other visit to the hospital in this period of the year." 

"Do you want me to go down?" Liv asks to me, while keeps trying to fix the lights with scotch tape in a precarious position. 

"Yes! Go down, start to fix the garlands around the base of the columns. I go up there.'" 

"What happened to you?" She asks once that she sees Robert's conditions. 

"Your fault." - He smiles to her. - "I go and take a shower, if you don't need me for something else."

"No, Aaron will help me here, don't worry." 

I can't avoid to give her an annoyed look. 

 

We manage to finish. All the lights in the upper part and the garlands spiraling around the columns. This place is a lot more Christmassy now. 

Liv has already decided to put the tree near the window, moving the two armchairs. I help her place it and despite it's still without anything on, the imagine of the place is changed drastically right now. When this morning Liv brought up all this, I didn't completely agree, but seeing it now I'm happy and she is too. We needed a distraction and a bit of happiness ourselves. 

She starts to put the lights on the tree while I go to the fridge and take a beer. I ask her if she wants something but she is too busy. 

 

"Hey Aaron do you have any adapters for put all this plugs together?" She asks after few minutes, waking me up from my trance. I go to look and I see that she isn't exactly an electrician, the plugs of the lights are sprawled everywhere, not even near a socket. I could make her notice that, but after all the effort she put into it, I leave to it. 

"Yeah I should have two of them upstairs in the bathroom for the hair dryer and the shaver. I'll go and check." 

 

When I enter in my old room and I hear the water of the shower going, I suddenly remember that Robert is inside. I could wait there for when he finishes but I know that he isn't exactly the fastest person showering, so I knock, but I think that the noise of the water is too loud for him to hear that. So I decide to enter, take the adapters and leave. The water steam is escaping the bathroom and I suddenly remember that he likes doing his shower very hot. I remember the different times we did it together and that at the beginning I couldn't bare that temperature and I smile at that memory. 

And it's going actually as planned, I find the first one under the cabinet under the mirror, but the other one is plugged on the hair dryer, that Robert decided to move on the chair outside the shower. 

I pick it up, but then I can't avoid myself to look up and watch him, his figure, nothing more, but he is there, one foot away from me. He is giving me the back. But he's so close, I could hold out a hand and I could touch him. Or I could undress and go inside the shower with him, like I did a million times before. Put my arms around his waist and kissing his shoulder, while the water is falling down on us. Together linked in our bubble and away from the world. But luckily I hear him start humming and that wakes me up. I 'm about to go away but I stop myself by the doorway and I recognize it, it's the song that we listened over and over again when we went to Mauritius. And this makes me smile, despite everything, this small thing, stayed in his mind. 

 

I go downstairs and I start to insert all the plugs in the adapters and in the sockets. Meanwhile Liv finished to put the lights on and now is starting to put the first Christmas balls. 

"Oh wow, good job Liv." Robert is glancing around the room, just come down from his shower and I have to avoid his gaze because I feel my cheeks going warm. 

"No, it isn't finished yet. There aren't enough balls. This tree it's almost empty." 

"So what do you want to put on it?" Robert asks. 

"I don't know, some ribbons, the last garlands....and ehm...I don't know....oh cookies!" 

I and Robert exchange a look. "Yeah, you two could do those. Robert you know how to make them don't you? Do you remember it? You were an amazing cook." Says Liv. 

"I don't know, I guess I can try. Anyway the main thing, is hang them on the tree, we don't have to eat them."

"Yeah, but put an effort on it, please." 

"Yes, boss." Robert says jokingly. 

 

Robert puts the apron on and takes all the stuff out, he has found a recipe on internet but his inside cook comes out and now he has already changed half of it. We don't have ginger or anything else so we decided to do them in the classic way, flour, eggs, butter and sugar. Robert deals with the dough. I add the ingredients when he asks me. Is not exactly my favorite thing to do, but right now I'd do everything to spend time with him.

He puts all the ingredients on the work surface and starts to mix. Seeing his hands at work it's always a good show, but it's even better when the dough becomes more solid, and his arms' muscles start working. I would like to put my hands on those arms, feeling that strength underneath. 

"Finish." - He says, waking me up from my daydream, which seem to happen more often every day. - "Now I put it in the fridge and in half an hour, we can make them." - He says. 

 

Liv finished with the ribbons and the tree is already looking more festive. Now she is sprawled on the sofa watching some Christmas movie. 

Rob is instead rolling the dough with the rolling pin. "Liv how do you want them? Which shape?" He asks her. 

"I don't think we have any cookie cutters." I say interrupting him. 

"Yes, we have, Robert bought them." Says Liv from the couch. 

"Seriously?" I ask, giving a weird look to Robert. "See, you weren't as normal as you think." 

"Yes, in the cabinet on the right of the sink." Liv shouts back. 

 

We did all the cookies, Robert rolling the dough and I using the cutters. Now they are in the oven, baking for 15-20 minutes and by the smell that is spreading out in the place, I don't know how many will be on the tree and how many in our stomachs. 

 

Like I had expected, as soon as we bring them out from the oven, Liv steals few of them, still hot. But at the end, we have enough to put on the tree anyway. And the final look isn't bad at all. 

"Now the final touch." Says Liv who goes to turn on the decorations lights and off the ones of the rooms. 

"Great Liv!" says Robert giving the high five to her, while he sits between the two of us on the couch. She really has done a beautiful job, I can't remember the last time I was so happy about Christmas, yes for sure last year, but now we are finally on our own, like a real family and I know that Robert is not remembering that, but we are anyway very close, like a group of three weird friends. 

"So what are ours plan for Christmas? What we usually do? Where we go?" Robert asks putting his arms around the two of us. Liv removes it straightaway and pushes Robert against me, and then lies on him. We are like a big sandwich, but with the feel of Robert on me and his ribcage moving on my thighs, I'm very happy about how it seems to start this Christmas, considering the situation, we were into weeks ago. Who would have expected it?


	25. Chapter 25

15 December 2017

The days are passing, it's more on less one month and a half since Robert and Rebecca had the accident, one month and a half that I spent with Robert. And now finally it seems to be back at the normality. We are happy and it's the main thing.

Robert is completely fit now, also by his doctor opinion this time. And I use that, as an excuse to have my bed back. So we made a deal and we exchange the place to sleep every week. This one is my turn to sleep on the bed finally. And I didn't think that before, but sleeping in my room gives me more time every morning to wake up. I have no one that makes me hurry, while when I was on the couch, I was almost obliged to wake up when Liv or Rob went downstairs.

Since Robert discovered his cooking ability, he is very often at the cookers and he spoils us with some delicacies. And obviously Liv uses that to make him cook everything that comes up her mind. But Robert seems happy, finally doing something that is letting his mind rest. But despite this new hobby he is back at work, after a chat with Jimmy it seemed pretty clear that he didn't forget how to do his job.

We kept going to the pool and I was able to put my jealousy aside. Paul is not so bad after all, he isn't my type, neither for dating him and neither for being friends, but Robert is happy when he meets him at the pool. Although, he said, the other day, that Paul is talking too much and he was trying to avoid him, he was already stressed enough and he only wanted to relax. For sure it's helping that the exercises with the physio changed. He won't need to go much longer and we are all happy about it.

Yesterday Liv said to me that we should do something together, the three of us sometimes. In fact, apart from the pool, together we have only dinner and the film or the videogame marathon after that. When she said that, she took me aback. I didn't think she was the kind of person that wanted to go out with her big brother. But at the end she wasn't wrong, in fact we never even went to the pub all together to eat something.

So I'm thinking to bring them out tonight. My first option was the pub but then I discarded it, it wouldn't be very original and we are too near home. It would be enough for Gabby to pass by and we could say bye bye to Liv.

Maybe it would be better, a pizza and a film in town. But I remember few times actually where she turned down this idea. I can try though.

I go downstairs and I see Robert having his breakfast. "Good morning."

"Good mood today?" He asks me after taking a sip of his coffee.

"Maybe." - I smirk to him while I take a cup of coffee myself. - "Where is Liv? I need to talk to her."

"She already left. There was only coffee for breakfast, so I think she nipped to the café." And now that he makes me notice that, I see that the fridge is almost empty. With Rob at home, and all his new recipes, we finished everything and obviously, the idea of going to the shop doesn't even cross their minds. I always have to do it myself.

"Right. I could ruin my good mood saying that you could go shopping too you know, but I won't. Instead I try to catch her up before she leaves for school. So...see you later."

 

I turn up at the café while Liv is still having is breakfast, unluckily she is with Gabby and they are chatting. I sit at the table near them, and I think she notices that I'm staring at her, because she says to Gabby to meet her at the bus stop. "What do you want?"

"I wanted to talk to you, but you run away this morning."

"There wasn't anything for breakfast."

"Yeah, I know. Ehm, look, are you free tonight?"

"Yes, why?"

"I wanted to bring you out, you and Robert. Go to town, eat something and go to the cinema after maybe."

"Why don't you go only with Robert?"

"What?"

"Yeah, come on, we'll have plenty of time to go out once you two will be together. Use this occasion to bring him somewhere nice."

I stay in silence for a while so Liv decides to fill it. "You don't have to talk about you know.....you two, but it could help it, maybe the atmosphere, the right place, you two alone."

"Yeah maybe it could." I say, not completely convinced, instead very interested in a spot on the table.

"Just think about it." - She says before standing up.- "But not too much, because you have to do it tonight not in the next century and you need to book somewhere fast." And she leaves the café.

 

I'm going to work, walking, I have to clear my mind. I hope that Robert isn't there yet, to keep thinking what to do, but obviously I'm not that lucky. When I go inside the cabin is already at his desk. "Oh, hi. I didn't expect you already at work. How did you come up here?"

"Jimmy gave me a lift."

"And where is he now?"

"He is out with the van. Did you find Liv?"

"Yes, she was at the café." I say briefly.

"Are you all right? It's all ok between you two?"

"Yes it's all right. She actually just refused to go out with us tonight."

"Us? Are we going out?"

"Well...I wanted to ask her before but...she said no, so..."

"Can we go anyway can't we?" He says interrupting me.

"Oh yes yes sure." I say smiling awkwardly, gladly he anticipated me.

"Where did you want to go? And what about the pool? Are we going to give it a miss today?"

"Well, why not? It'll be the first time...ehm...only if you want...I thought that Paul was starting to be annoying..." - Robert smiles mischievously knowing well that at the moment a pause won't be so bad. - "The initial plan was going for a pizza but now that we are alone we can change, do you fancy Japanese?"

"I don't know if I like it." He answers still smiling.

"Well I know and you do like it."

"Great then." - He says grinning. - "At least tonight I don't have to cook for you two."

"Yeah like if you always cook for us."

"I do the most of the times recently if I don't want to eat takes-away." He says still smiling and I like that it seems that we have again that banter we used to have. Memory or not, that seems so natural for us.

 

I booked this restaurant in town, I already went there sometimes with Adam and Vic ages ago, I hope it's still good.  
Now I'm at home, in front of the wardrobe while Robert is meeting Vic. I'm in a hoodie and black jeans, all dirty by oil. I have to have a shower and change myself. There aren't a lot of possibilities between my clothes but I still have no idea what to put on. I can't go like this, but neither I want to put a shirt on, I'm not too comfortable in it and I want to be tonight. Besides isn't anything important, we are only going out as friends. So I decide to the black sweater well tight on my arms and chest, Robert loved it, black jeans and trainers.

When I have almost finished I hear Robert shouting from downstairs. "Aaron? Where are you?"

"Upstairs!" I shout back.

"Can I came and have a shower?"

"Yeah I have finished here." And I hear him running up the stairs.

In less than half an hour we are ready to go. We haven't had, when we were together, an history of dates or nights in town of any kinds, but anyway in the rare occasions he was always very smart, a jacket and a tie minimum, while now he is pretty simple, his white shirt and the black leather jacket. And I know that isn't a particular occasion or anything but seeing him like this makes me think that maybe he doesn't like too much the smarts clothes, maybe he wears them only because he wants to try to impress, or maybe because he learnt that the appearance it's very important. Maybe he never got something in his life only for who he really was.

 

The restaurant is full of people like usual, besides is Friday. We are lucky to end in a corner. The lights are very low and soft. There are few couples but the place is almost full only by two big tables, two groups of mates having fun and are the loudest one without any doubts.

"How does it work?" Asks me Robert pointing at the menu.

"Oh, it's easy you can order whatever you want and you pay a fix price."

"Well, then they have to have a big storage, because I see that these plates are really small." He says looking at the plates on the other table.

"Don't worry, order whatever you want."

"What do you recommend?"

"I like basically everything, and you do too, for the sushi if I remember rightly, you're favorites were nigiri and hosomaki." - I say pointing to the pictures on the menu. - "But don't worry take whatever inspires you and if you don't like it I'm gonna eat it."

 

When the waiter cames back with the plates we have all the table full and he gives us a weird look. Robert take the chopsticks and starts eating with them without any problem, while I have to use a fork because I have never been able to use those. "You don't use the chopsticks?" In fact he asks me after few seconds.

"I can't hold them rightly, I already tried that before, trust me it's pointless."

 

"Aaron do you really like the Japanese food?" He asks me after the second deliver with the same amount of plates than before.

"Yeah I love it, don't you have just seen how much I have eaten?"

"You don't use the chopsticks, you don't use the soy sauce."

"Because I don't like it, it's too salty, it doesn't mean I don't like Japanese food."

"Here, trust me, if people like it, there is a reason. You don't have to leave it too much in the sauce and it'll have the right taste." - He says holding out, with the chopsticks, a roll in front of me. I go slightly forward and take it into my mouth. - "So, is it better?"

I shake my head and I frown. "I don't like it. I told you. It's better without sauce, you can taste the fish in this way."

"If you say so."

 

We are really full now and Robert admits that he is actually quite pleased. "So do you fancy anything else?" He asks me.

"No I'm about to explode, the only thing I need is going outside for a walk ."

"Fine, I'll go and pay the bill."

"Wait, I come with you."

"No, I'm going to pay this time, you have hosted me for weeks, I live with you, I eat your stuff and I don't even pay the bills. It's really unfair and this is the least I can do." I smile politely and for the first time I notice that he is right. When we were a couple we didn't think about the money and the house's bills but now we are like roommates and it's weird for him to not pay.

 

"So where are we going now?" - He asks me once that we are outside. - "What have you planned?"

"Well, if we'd been with Liv I'd say to go to the cinema, but I don't think it's what you'd like."

"Yeah maybe another time." - He smiles to me. - "Now I need for all the food to go down. We can go and have a drink somewhere, I know it's unoriginal, but maybe later, just to stay in a warm place."

 

There is a lot of confusion tonight, we are near Christmas so there are a lot of lights and music everywhere. We walk around for a bit when Robert stops suddenly outside a ice cream shop. "Would you like an ice cream?"

"Now? It's fucking freezing and besides you said you're full."

"Yeah but there is always a little space for an ice cream in my stomach. You can always take a semifreddo."

"No, ok, ok, ice cream it is."

 

"You know," - I say to him. - "when I was little I loved ice creams, my mum used to bring me on the beach and we always had an ice cream." I smile thinking at the memory.

"Before you went..."

"Before she left me with my dad, yes. But that is something good to hold to. If I'll get a cold is your fault though."

 

We are now really enjoying the evening, I am at least. We are walking around the streets licking ours ice creams. He has almost finished, I'm very slow instead, because it's too cold, it's hurting my head and I have always eaten slowly ice creams tasting it more possible. We are now on a bridge and with all the lights it is an amazing view. Robert stops and leans on the wall, then turns towards me and starts staring. I can't avoid to smile and stare back at him.

I'm losing myself in his eyes, in those green ponds where I can see myself reflexed, despite the only light of the lamppost. They are like precious stones, like the sky, a sky that change color in accord with the weather. And like it, his eyes change color. They can be grey when he is angry, light blue when he is sad and he is crying, green when he is happy or black when he is full of lust. They are the mirror of his soul. "Aaron if you don't lick it, there'll be more on the ground or on your jeans than in your stomach." Says to me Robert referring to my ice cream that is dripping all down the cone.

He puts his hand on mine and bring the ice cream to his mouth licking all the ice cream around it. From one side I'm embarrassed again but then I see him so close to me, licking that ice cream....Liv's right it's past too much since the last time I had sex and everything is turning me on, especially Robert.

 

Now the cold is becoming unbearable staying still with all the wind along the river and without some alcol inside is almost impossible. "Come on, it's time to go to drink something." I say.

"I thought you didn't want to go."

"I never refuse a drink. I only thought that we could have done something different, but you are right there isn't much to do around here especially with this temperature."

"We could go in that one. It seems nice." Robert says pointing at a place along the river, all lightened on the outside.

 

It seems that we aren't the only ones to have thought that it was a good place. It isn't exactly big so it's very crowded. Luckily we found a table, a couple has just left. Robert asks me to go to the counter and take the orders. He needs to go to the loo as fast as possible, so I imagine this was another reason why he wanted to enter in a local.

There are different people waiting to be served, so I sit on a stool waiting. Seeing that Robert isn't came back yet, I guess that we have chosen the wrong pub, it must be a queue for the loos too.

The bartender isn't exactly fast, he must be a new one, not the best idea to leave him on his own on a Friday night with a crowded local. While I'm waiting, a guy comes beside me, at the beginning waiting for ordering too, but then I think he noticed me and starts staring. I know right away from his look that is about to start a conversation with me. I hope that the bartender comes here to give him his ordination so he can go back to the table but I'm not this lucky.

"Hi". Says the guy, brown haired, middle twenties, quite tall like Robert, but slim, maybe too much. He has a great smile, I have to say, but unlikely to him my heart is already of someone. And I hope it'll still be.

"Hi." I answer back politely.

"Bit crowded this place tonight, isn't it?"

"Yeah, If I knew I'd have gone somewhere else."

"In that case I'd have never meet you." - He smiles at me, holding out his hand. - "Nice to meet you. I'm Marc."

"Aaron." I say holding it.

"So Aaron do you often come down here?"

"No actually it's the first time."

"You seem a bit lonely, if you want a bit of a company tonight, I can help. You can join me if you like." Now the conversation is a bit awkward because is evident what are his intentions.

"No thanks, I'm not..." But I'm stopped by the bartender that asks us ours orders. Marc asks his drink and says that he'll pay for whatever I'll take.

"Ehm...two lagers." I say, I and Robert decided to start with few beers before something stronger.

"Two?"

"Yes, for me and my friend..."

"Hey, do you take us ours drinks?" Asks suddenly a voice whispering in my ear but making himself ear by the Marc guy. It's Robert, who puts his arms around me from behind and kisses my cheek, giving me goosebumps all down my body.

"Here you go." Says the bartender giving me the beers.

"Do you know each other?" Asks Robert seeing Marc looking at us.

"No, we just met, we were only chatting about the fact that this place is very crowded tonight." I say to him.

"You can join us if you want?" Asks Robert surprisingly.

"Ehm, no, no thanks. It was nice to meet you Aaron." And Marc stands and goes away.

"Why did you do that for?" I ask Robert.

"What? Kissing you or saving you?"

"I didn't need to be saved."

"No? I watched you two for a bit and I thought you were pretty uncomfortable."

"So you were already came out from the loo and you didn't do anything?"

"I was enjoying myself to much."

"And besides how do you know I was uncomfortable, he was a nice guy, he didn't do anything wrong. It was fine."

"You were. He was annoying you, you wanted to go away from him. You were bouncing your left leg up and down."

"I always do it when I'm stressed. For what you know I could have fancied him."

"Yeah but when you are stressed your hands start sweating and are all cold, instead you were tapping your fingers on your leg. You were annoyed about him."

"Oh congratulations Sherlock." - I say laughing and he laughs too. - "Anyway I had all under control, I'd have said to him that I was busy."

"What's your type Aaron? "- He asks me suddenly.- "He seemed a nice guy, he was fit, gorgeous, a brilliant smile, what are you looking for?"

"Ehm..." - I smile to him awkwardly, how we finished in this conversation? - "I don't know I think it depends on the first impression I have of someone, if there is a spark or not."

He nods quite pleased to have make me open up. "And instead what's yours?" I ask him abruptly.

"Good question, I have no idea. And I don't get how could I be in love with someone at the village. The women there are all...I don't know. Leyla is gorgeous but she's really too chatty for me. I could never live 24/7 with someone like her. Tracy is the same and she's married too, not that never stopped me before. Megan is not my type and I'm sure about it. There are Charity, Nicola and Vanessa, they seems quite friendly. But Charity and Nicola seems too bossy, I don't know, I'm confused..." - He starts playing with the pint. - "Are you sure that this person still lives in the village? Can you tell me if still lives there at least no?"

"Yes, is still in the village."

 

There are few minutes of silence while I see Robert thoughtful. "I have an idea," - He starts abruptly. - "what do you think of doing a game? I ask you some questions, about me, you, the village, everything and you have to answer with yes or no." He says like there is a plan behind all that.

"Ok." I say.

"Amazing." - He smiles brightly, obviously happy about this idea. - "Ok, let's see, that person that I felt in love with, is blonde?"

"No." This game can be very dangerous now that I'm thinking about it.

"Really? Weird, all my choices were blonde. Dark eyes?"

"No. It's hardly helping I think, most of the village has blue's eyes."

"No, it helped instead, she can't be your mum. I was scared for a minute." He laughs while finishes his beer. I guess that by the end of the night we are going to be quite drunk.

"Mmh let me think, is she taller than me?"

"No, of course not. Almost no one is taller than you."

"Doug," - He laughs. - "and Bernice maybe, she is quite tall too."

"Yeah with heels."

"But are you sure lives in the village?"

"Yeah, I just told you."

"And did I meet her before? Did we speak?"

"Yeah, you did."

"I don't understand. There is something that isn't right, I'm sure. See, you're trying to hide your smile." I shake my head, like he said unable to avoid a smile. He has his answer in front of him but he isn't still able to see it or maybe he doesn't feel anything for me anymore. I can't avoid this doubt establish in my head. Or maybe like in the past he doesn't want to be like that, doesn't want to like men too.

"Ok, then, let's talk about you. Since you seem to looking for someone special, I guess your past relationships weren't the bests. Tell me, when was the last time you kissed someone."

"I thought the game was answering with yes or no."

"Well, I changed it. Come on. I promise, I won't try to hook you up with anybody in there."

"Ehm...I think...seven months ago."

Robert can't suppress a laugh "Are you kidding me? It can't be true. I was the one in a coma, not you."

"Why, what's so funny about it? You can live without kissing or having a relationship of any kind, you know."

"So, your last kiss was with your..."

"Yes."

"And you didn't have anyone since him? I understand the need to find someone perfect but don't even someone to help you forget about him?"

I shrug. "I still can't put him behind me. I tried believe me, but it's so hard. And seeing him brings me back all the good memories and..."

"Wait do you still see him?"

"Yes, sometimes. He's not a bad person believe me and maybe he still loves me too but what he did and all that situation was irreparable."

"I think you should move on, but I know that sometimes can be hard and it needs time, few months, a year, few years but at the end you'll put it behind you. It can't last forever. And I can promise you one thing, memory or not I'll be forever by your side and I'll keep distracting you with all my problems, but I'll be always beside you if you need me." He says, putting his hand on mine resting on the table, making me shiver all down my back, with a drunk but honest smile.

If you only knew Robert.


	26. Chapter 26

25 December 2017

_She's is dead or fast asleep in front of me..._

_I hear a lot of noises, a lot of people around me. They are shouting at me but I hear them like they'd be far away..._

_"Kiss her!"_

_"Now, before it's too late!"_

_I feel someone pushing me, I turn around and I see Chas pointing at the girl and yelling me "Come on, kiss her, what are you waiting for?"_

_I look at the girl. She is so beautiful, like an angel. Blond, long hair a small but delicate face. She is wearing a long and white dress. It's like a porcelain doll. Too perfect. Why I have to kiss her? It's not right. Why me? My girlfriend will be upset._

_I look around on my left and I see Chas shouting at me like all the others. There are a lot of people but I don't recognize them. There is Liv too, she seems almost angry with me. I don't know what to do, it doesn't fell right, but my body moves by itself and I kneel beside her. I'm almost about to kiss her when I look up for one last time, hoping that there will be someone stopping me, and I see him. It's Aaron. It's standing there with all the others but he isn't shouting. He is only looking at me and smiling._

 

I abruptly wake up. It was all a dream.

I start thinking about last night. It was Christmas eve and we were here at Mill. Me, Liv and Aaron.

The Dingles every year have a big lunch at home. I learnt about that with Christmas was getting closer. And I found excitement looking at Aaron and Liv thinking about the Christmas of the year before. I listened to them, smiling at their stories about the past Christmases, but I felt inside a huge hole. There was nothing. It should have been one of the happiest moments of the year and I have absolutely nothing about it, not a memory about a smile, nor one about a tree, nor one about a table full of food nor one about a present. And I was slightly sad because I wasn't able to contribute with any memory in a so supposed good day.

But the things were about to get worse. Few days ago me and Aaron were at the pub having a pint. When Aaron went to refill them, Aaron and his mum started talking by the counter and I heard her saying that I couldn't go to the Dingle's, that I wasn't welcomed. It was so bad hearing that, I knew that I was been a ugly person in the past but I didn't thought that it could be this serious that they didn't even tolerate my presence.

Aaron didn't say anything to me, maybe he didn't want to upset me, so I told him that I would have spend the Christmas with Vic and Diane. Despite I knew that Diane would have stayed with Doug, Bernice, Laurel and their family, while Vic would have been with her husband and the Bartons. Aaron answered that him and Liv were my family and they wouldn't leave me alone on Christmas. He knew I have heard them and also knew Vic and Diane were busy and I would turn up to being alone.

I told him that he couldn't give up on the Christmas lunch with his family, he was so happy to go. He answered that there is always a first time. He was angry with the Dingles so we stayed all at home last night eating pizzas and watching an action movie.

By the end of it, Liv put on the sequel but she and Aaron fell asleep by the middle of it. Instead I made until the end. I loved it and once finished I was all except tired. I went through the channels and I started watching an other movie already started.

It was about a rich and handsome guy called Ferdinand, pretty confuse I might add, he was meant to marry a girl. The girl that I had to kiss in my dream, but they didn't love each others. In the meantime he was having fun with others two girl, one was the the sister of his betrothed, taller, fitter, brown hair, big eyes but not very smart and the other was a servant, red hair, green eyes, very buxom and funny.

He was known for spending time in his rooms between different pair of arms. But once he would have been married he should have put all that behind him.

He was so handsome that every girl loved him. But he said that he didn't love anyone.

Watching the movie I thought he was in love with the servant, who was the umile one, not rich and simple. But I don't think he was never been truly in love before.

The day before the marriage he went outside because he needed some air, he went to the forest. It was the only place where he felt at home without any pressure on his shoulders. He followed the path like every other day but when he reached the oldest tree of the forest, which was for the people of the village like some kind of a divinity he found at the base of the tree a small amount of people.

They were all around a body, a body of a young girl, small, skinny almost, all covered by coats and blankets. There wasn't life in her, her skin and her hair were almost gray, dried of all the will power.

They were praying for her to wake up. The guy was caught up with the scene when a boy turned up and kissed the sleeping girl, when nothing happened, from the people around her, escaped some sobs. Ferdinand asked to an older woman what happened and between the tears she said that they believed that the girl was sick but they brought her to the doctor of the village and it seemed completely fine to him. They were worried so they brought her to a wizard and he said that she has been cursed.

The guy didn't believe a single word, he never believed in magic and he thought that that was one sick joke. The wizard told them that only the kiss of true love would have woken up her. Ferdinand was more and more shocked every second.

That woman was completely crazy, she kept going, saying that the girl never found love before, so they asked all the boys of the village to kiss her in the hope for her to waking up.

Another guy came up trying to wake up the girl with a kiss but nothing happened. A woman, probably the mother, saw Ferdinand looking at the scene and called him, saying to kiss her daughter. The guy answered that he wouldn't have kissed that girl, she was sick and he could take the same disease as her and with a rude voice he added that she was ugly and she couldn't have never find the true love. For that reason it would have been impossible for her to wake up.

The mother of the girl knew the guy, and knew that he was meant to be married so she knew how to use him.

She asked why he wasn't at home getting ready for the marriage, when he didn't answered, she said to him, the reason was he didn't love his future bride. This was his occasion, if that was a disease and he would go to sleep he would avoid the marriage. While if it wasn't maybe he would have done something good. And maybe who knows something good would came back to him.

The guy didn't seem very happy but seeing all the people looking at him and the woman keeping crying he went near the girl and then he leaned on her and placed his lips on her mouth. It's a chaste kiss, nothing compared whit all his previous intercourses with women.

Then the focus is on the girl's face. For few minutes nothing happens then her eyes slowly open and are a dark blue. Her lips gain color and her skin is actually perfect. She smiles and looks at him while the others people cheer happy for that miracle.

He will marry that girl one day. Not the most beautiful, not the richest one but his true love.

 

Maybe that film mixed with the reality, made me make that dream, and besides we all know that dreams are confused.

I open my eyes and I notice that I slept on the armchair, I turn by my side and I see Aaron and Liv still sleeping on the couch.

They look so peaceful, Liv is leaning on his shoulder and they are both sprawled on the couch. Aaron is snoring lightly, he looks so calm, not like when he's awake, always grumpy and frowning. His beard all trimmed, those pink lips lightly parted. I could trace them with my finger and follow all the borders around them. How it could be kissing that lips? Wait....what!? I find myself lightly aroused, why am I thinking about him like that? Oh my God, that dream, Aaron, that look, that smile. "What's happening to me?" I say louder putting my hands on my face and throwing myself back onto the armchair.

"Robert, are you ok?" Asks me Aaron, probably woke by my shout while he repositions himself on the couch rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. He's so cute like this, seeing him every morning like this waking up by your side. Oh, again, no, no what all this is coming from?

"Robert?" Asks me Aaron again. There is something wrong. Maybe my body needs some attention and with Aaron being the only one around here maybe...maybe...

"Rob?!"

"Yeah, what?"

"Are you all right?"

"Yes, fine. I was thinking." I can't be gay, they told me that I was married with a woman and I made pregnant another one. Oh this is a nightmare. They didn't never say anything about a man, the supposed love of my life is another woman or not? Yes, I'm pretty sure was a 'she'. No, all this must depend on the movie and the fact that I need to find this girl.

"Rob! You are scaring me." I shake myself back to reality. Aaron is in front of me with his hand on my shoulder. He is so close, he is looking for my eyes, searching for some sign in them, so close that I could move forward and kiss those lips. No, no, what's all this? I was right yesterday. I never felt like this about anyone, that I can remember obviously. I saw a lot of women real or on the tv but didn't never happened before, neither with men for what matters. Why now? Why with Aaron? It must have happened something yesterday between the movie and the dream. What I'm thinking about? I'm totally crazy.

I stand up, I avoid Aaron and I rush upstairs. "Where are you going?" Aaron asks me, slightly worried.

"I need a shower."

 

I stay inside for about half an hour, only the water turning cold makes me realize the time that's passed. I don't think about anything particular, I only stay beyond the water. In these weeks I understood that the water has some soothing power on me with the swimming pool and everything.

I step outside, I put on something from the wardrobe and I go downstairs. Liv is awake now, sat on the couch with a toast in hand. They stare at me but I don't let them the time to react and I turn for going out, when Aaron stops me grabbing my arm. "Robert, did something happen?" I see the worry in his face.

I need some time alone so I smile at him hoping to reassure him. "No I only need some fresh air. Like you said it can be difficult sometimes and with Christmas I can't avoid the fact that I can't remember any Christmas at all. It's not a big deal."

"Yes, it is. Stay here so we can talk."

"I'm fine, I promise, I won't be long." And I go outside.

 

I wasn't lying, I need only some space and I have to try to figure out what's happening inside my head.

It's so cold outside that I notice straight away that I should have wore something more. There is no one, they are all in the houses to celebrate with families and friends. I find myself outside Vic's. I don't know if she is still there or she is already at Butlers, but I knock to her door, I don't even know why.

When I'm about to walk away she opens the door with a bright smile. "Hey Rob, come in."

"Are you all right Robert? You seem a bit shaken up. Is something happened?"

"No, it's all good." I try smiling at her.

"So, why are you here?"

"I wanted to wish you an happy Christmas." I say hugging surprisingly her.

"Rob, wow...ehm, are you ok? You haven't hugged me since...well you don't have since the coma. Come here, sit down." She says going to the couch.

I sit, but I don't say a word, she looks at me and then leaves and goes to the kitchen, making tea, I guess.

She comes back, gives me a mug and sits on the armchair and starts sipping her tea. "You know, Adam left pretty early this morning and I have few hours before I need to leave."

I keep staying quiet. "Robert? Something happened with Aaron?"

"I don't know."

"What do you mean? Do you remembered something?"

"No. I...Vic it's everything so weird. I thought that all could be normal, that I could build a life from the scratch and be happy with it. But it's all a mess, today it's Christmas and everyone have memories to exchange, traditions to follow, while I'm here and I can't remember anything, no one wants me and I don't even know why?" I'm almost sobbing now.

"Hey, Robert calm down." She says coming next to me on the couch and placing her hand on my leg.

"No. You don't understand. Here." - I say pointing my head. - "Here is all a mess. I remember things or I think to have remembered things that I don't know if they are true or not, but I can have flash about them in the middle of the street or I can dream about them. But the point is that it's nothing compared to all my life and it's not helping me, it's confusing all over again."

"Robert, ehy, we are all here for you. When you need..."

"All?" - I interrupt her, almost shouting. - "Who? You, Diane and Aaron? You're all I have, I'm alone. Why? Why no one cares about me?" And now I'm really desperate.

"Robert, listen to me" - Vic says, holding my hand. - "You are right, you don't have a big family around you, but that's not your fault and yes, you don't have a lot friends and you aren't loved how you would like to be from some people, but think about this, who loves you is because truly loves you and if you keep going on like this others people will come around, don't worry. You are not bad inside, remember that, it's only that sometimes you don't think to the consequences before doing something. Ok?"

"Yeah, I suppose so." I say no really convinced and Vic knows.

"Come on, talk to me. Whatever it is. I never saw you this upset since the coma. Something must have happened to you and I'm sure it's not only about Christmas. It's something that came up to your mind, isn't it?"

"Maybe." I try turning slightly the face to her. I don't even know what to say to her.

"Go on, tell me."

"It was nothing, only a weird dream."

"I can't help you if you don't tell me and it wasn't nothing if you are in this state about it."

"Yesterday I saw a movie and I dreamt about it but there were...there were people that I know too."

"Well, it happens all the time in the dreams. Happens to everyone, nothing too weird. Can I ask you what this was about? Who was inside the dream with you?"

"There were Chas, Liv and Aaron."

"Ok, well it's normal they are in your life every day. What they were doing?"

"I don't know, like I said it was weird because we were in that fantasy movie. Chas and Liv together with other people were yelling at me to kiss a sleeping girl and I didn't know why I should have done it. While Aaron was only standing there and smiled at me."

"Those seems the real Chas, Liv and Aaron no? How did you expect them to react?"

"Yeah, I don't know. I can't explain. It was a weird sensation and then when I woke up...oh it doesn't make any sense. Why that make me so upset?"

"What happened? Maybe I can't help, but maybe talking could help you understand instead."

How can I tell her something that I don't even understand myself. If I tell her that I think to feel some sort of attraction for Aaron, maybe she'll think that I'm crazy. "Vic...ehm...promise me to be one hundred percent sincere, even if it's something bad or something that you think it could upset me even more."

"Well..."

"Vic you have to promise me." I say looking in her eyes.

"Ok, ok I promise you. Besides you told me you know almost everything about last year. I can't think of something worse."

"Did I ever been...ehm...you all said that I dated basically everyone in this village...I was wondering if I ever been...I ever felt some sort of attraction for men too?"

Vic is now looking at me with a mix of surprise and stupor. "Well, yes it did happen." - She is looking at me, trying to understand what is crossing my mind. - "Why? What did happen in that dream?"

So I've been with guys before. That does mean that this morning... "But did I have some kind of relationships with men since I've been back here with my wife?"

"Yes, I didn't know you were interested in men before, I only discovered when you went back."

It's even more complicated than I thought. I've been here three years and not only I've been with three women but men too. "Wait. But you did have learnt about it because I told you or because I've been with someone?"

Now Vic is distracted looking to her phone. Smiling from a text she received and texting back I suppose. "Vic!?"

"Sorry, sorry. I had to answer. No, no you didn't tell me, it came out because you were seeing a man so...well...you know..."

"But when this happened?"

"Few years back." She says shrugging.

"When Vic? When I was with Chrissie?"

"Yes.."

"I don't let her even finish, so what am I? Am I confused or.."- I stutter. - "or bi or what?"

"You are bisexual and it's fine Robert and I don't think you were confused, you only didn't accept it back then but you came in terms with it then. "

I am bisexual right, ok, well I didn't expect that. What happened? I came here for clearing my head, well sure now is clearer but I wasn't imagining like this. "Rob, where are you going?" Vic asks me, I didn't even notice that I stood up and now I'm about to go out. Vic is looking at me.

"Ehm out, I need some fresh air, again."

"Wait, let me come with you." I don't say anything, I'm lost in my thoughts. So now it's starting to make sense everything, more or less. Paul the way I was looking at him the first days, I couldn't avoid to stare at his body. And Aaron too, this morning looking at him so close. I was right, I needed a connection with somebody and now it's clear that it doesn't matter the sex. That explains this morning and the dream.

 

"Come on. Get out." Says Vic once she's ready."

"Robert, why you stopped? You seem even worse than when you came at mine's".

"Vic! Look! It's snowing." Slowly some snowflakes are falling down. They are not sticking yet, but it's one of the thousands things that I can't remember and it's wonderful.

"Yeah, it happens in this period. It doesn't mean it'll stay. Come on." She begins to push me while I'm looking toward the sky like a kid that sees the snow for the first time.

We are out the Mill and I didn't even remember to have walked here. "Why are we here?"

"Well, where did you want to go?"

"Uhm, I don't know, but not here, Aaron and Liv will be at Dingles' or if they are inside I'm going to feel even more guilty for them staying here for me. Can't we stay outside?"

"Why we should stay outside? It's freezing."

"It's snowing Vic."

"Yeah, I noticed that, so?"

"We can watch it, if we go inside maybe when we have finished lunch it's already stopped."

"Robert it's like I never met you before. Come on, let's go inside, and if we see it sticking we can always go back outside."

"Like I said I don't want to go back at Mill's. We could go to the pub."

"The pub is closed. It's Christmas day remember? What's wrong with you? Did you argued with Aaron and Liv?"

"No, no of course not. They are always kind with me."

"So shut up and go inside. Trust me." She says pushing me inside the Mill.

 

When I go inside, my first reaction is a mix of shock and surprise. They are all here, the Dingles, Moira, Adam, Diane. "Here they are." Says Adam seeing me and Vic stepping inside.

A smile is plastered on my face, I didn't expect that. "Did you know about all this?" I ask Vic turning towards her.

"Maybe." - She smiles at me. - "Yes, Aaron sent me a text about this, and that I would have to bring you here."

I can't avoid to smile. They brought a table and put it at the couch's place. In this way we can all sit around it. There is a lot of food, maybe made by Marlon since Liv stayed with me all morning. There is real confusion with all the kids playing around. Since I woke up from the coma it's the first time in a place with all this noise, but it's beautiful. The atmosphere is really amazing, you can feel the warm, the affect, the familiarity of these people. And now I understand what they said about the Christmas spirit. "So why do you disappeared this morning? Are you ok?" It's Aaron asking by my side.

"Yes, I'm more than ok, all this is amazing. Did you organize all this?"

Aaron nods. "They only brought here few things and food, they didn't nothing more, don't worry."

"How did you manage to convince them?"

"Well, what is Christmas if you don't spend it with the family, and besides I told them that on Christmas we suppose all to be better. And then we have the Mill this year and it was the perfect occasion to invite all of them. You have to remember this Christmas, I couldn't leave you alone."

I keep smiling like it was a birthday party not the Christmas lunch. "Hey came on, you sit here." Liv says pushing me between her and Aaron while I have still my jacket on.

 

The meal is very confused, the Dingles make a lot of noise, and Chas' voice in your eardrums all the time I think that gets the idea. I find myself mostly listening the others. I have in front of me Adam who has started an infinite banter with Aaron since he sat down. It's so good seeing all of them so happy.

I didn't even notice the time passing, we are almost in the mid of the afternoon and besides the kids, Liv and Belle the others are all sat at the table chatting or playing some games. I stand up and I go to the window, the snow stuck and now all the garden is covered by a white blanket. I want so much to go outside but I don't want to annoy them with it, Vic didn't seem so happy about it before.

But I want to remember this day for the snow too, so I go to the table and I say to Aaron and Vic that I go outside to see the snow. Aaron is about to follow me but Vic says him, that I can't remember the snow, so he leaves me. They will come outside too after they have finished that glasses full of booze that the Dingles are distributing around. And I know that I seem a big kid myself but I haven't ever see it and I want to enjoy.

 

The sun is about to go down so it's really cold outside. I move to the garden and I kneel writing a 'R' in the snow and I notice that my finger is already freezing. I should go inside and take a pair of gloves but I don't do it. The snow it's soft so I start to build a snowman. When I finished the first ball for the body it seems that there is already a pool inside my shoes. Obviously the wrong clothes for the snow.

While I'm putting the head of the snowman on, Liv comes outside alone. "Hey. You could have called me." - She says looking at my work. - "It's looking good."

"Yeah, I thought to do other two of them."

"Ok. I go and find some sticks and stones to put on."

 

When I'm placing the last ball on the third snowman, I look up and I see Aaron leaning against the wall of the house, watching us with a smile on his face. "So you two what are you doing out here?"

"It was ages ago since my last snowman." - Says Liv. - "And today Robert made three of them."

While Liv is placing the lasts buttons on them, Aaron comes near us facing the snowman. "They have something familiar." He says with a smile looking at me.

"What?" Asks Liv.

"Didn't you notice? You are helping doing them."

"Oh, we are them." - She says grinning at me. - "Thank you Robert, they are beautiful." She says looking at the three snowmen, two taller that are me and Aaron and a shorter one that is Liv.

 

"All outside, the battle with the snow balls starts." Says Chas pushing all outside the house abruptly.

The kids start making balls and throwing them at each others, but when Cain throws a big one to Noah, became everyone against everyone.

The kids are jumping and running around, falling, ending face in the snow. I fell once too and I have said my goodbye to my hands. Cain, Adam and Aaron are on the path and are throwing balls around with the best sight. While Chas keeps laughing sat in the middle of the garden with the snow in her mouth after Cain hit her.

I'm with Liv, Sam and Marlon trying to make snowballs faster as possible and avoid them at the same time. We aren't exactly everyone against everyone, there are the three of them on the path and all of us in the garden keeping slipping or falling.

The sky is dark now and it's windy too, I feel myself like an ice cube. I can't make snowballs anymore so I hide between the trees around the garden, but I'm not the only one to have had this idea. So the fight became an hide and seek game.

But it's even worse, because staying still all wet it's making me shiver. In the meanwhile I see Zak, Lisa, Diane, Doug, Laurel and the kids leave. They decide to leave us play and say goodbye from far away.

Suddenly I hear screaming and then laughing. I see Moira, Charity, Belle and Debbie attack Cain from behind with a flood of snow balls. They put the snow all in his neck and after swearing starts the counterattack. And then they leave too to change their wet clothes.

When the tree I transplanted in the middle of the garden starts sneezing revealing a freezing April, her and her father leave too.

There are still Sam and his son, Chas, Vic and Adam. Chas is by the door completely wet jumping up and down warming herself, and she has already said thousands of times that if this games doesn't ends in the next five minutes she goes back home. So Aaron and Adam leave the path and come down towards the trees. Now the battle could be even, they are deep in the snow too.

Suddenly they stop in the middle of the garden, Aaron whispers something to Adam and they split in two directions. From here I can see Vic behind a bush and it's where Adam is going.

I think Sam and Samson have just attacked Aaron from the screams I hear. Adam has just caught Vic and pulled her on his shoulder. She is laughing like mad and kicking in the air trying to make Adam put her down. I can't suppress a laugh when I see Sam run like a chicken with Aaron and Samson following him until he is outside the gate of the house.

The battle between Vic and Adam is now an intension session of make out, completely sprawled in the snow, right in front of my eyes. The worst show possible.

"Oh, come on you two, get a room. I don't want you in my garden." Says Aaron once he sees Adam and Victoria rolling in the snow.

"It's her fault." - Starts Adam tickling her. And she giggles in answer. Adam takes her back on his shoulder and tries to go away without falling in the snow with Vic's weight that makes him give away. - "See you tomorrow mate." Calls out Adam completely wet.

 

"I will find you two!" Shouts Aaron. He knows that me and Liv are the only remaining.

I have no idea where is Liv, I lost sight of her ages ago and right now I can't see neither Aaron. I'm shivering from head to toe, I could go outside now and I could enter in the house without even Aaron notice me, but I saw him go towards the trees and never coming back so for all I know he is waiting for us. The time is passing and I don't hear any noise, I'm starting to think that their are both inside and I'm the only one outside like an idiot.

 

"BOOH!!!"

"AAAAAHHHH!!!!"

I find myself screaming like a little girl and literally pissing in my pants cause the mix of the cold and the scare, after both Aaron and Liv caught me from behind, without me even hear them cause the soft snow, and because I was more focused on the cold inside my bones that actually the noise around me.

The two of them start laughing like mads after my scream that probably heard the full village.

"Stop you two." I say but it hasn't any effect.

Liv can't stop herself. "You should have seen you. Your face was priceless."

"So funny." I say starting to go towards the house with Liv's laugh in my hears.

"Right after the incredible show that Robert put for us, the shower is mine." She says jumping in the snow till the house.

 

I stop myself in front of the snowmen, with the fight they have all been destroyed. All my work it's gone in smoke. I'm about to kneel to remake them when Aaron catches my arm. "Tomorrow we'll making them together, now we have to dry ourselves if we don't want to catch a cold." He says giving me a warm smile, serious this time, he doesn't laugh at me like before. I nod and we go inside.

 

"Wait, take off your shoes and socks outside otherwise we'll make a mess." - Says Aaron by the door. - "I can see that this thought doesn't even came across Liv's mind."

"Aaron, I literally can't feel my body. I think that my fingers could tear away by themselves."

"What a bad idea was invite everyone here. It'll take hours to clean all this mess." - Says Aaron while gets out from his wet clothes. - "Come on Robert. What are you doing? Strip yourself."

"Aaron it really hurts." Now that I'm inside I'm on the verge of tears with frostbites in my hands.

"Ok, I get it. Get your clothes off and then we try to warm you up."

 

It's easier say it than do it when you don't feel your hands. I brushed off the jacket and the shirt. What a bad choice I did this morning. I should have wear something warmer. I take off the shoes with the foot, then socks and jeans and all is soaked. I stay still in only my boxer, that are wet too by the way. Luckily are red today otherwise the situation would be really awkward.  
Aaron instead is more or less dry. The worst were his shoes.

I'm shivering so I go to the sink to turn the hot water on.

I'm almost crying, it's hurting so bad. "Aaron! Aaron, it hurts." Now I'm becoming pathetic.

"Come on, put this on." He says pulling one blanket around my shoulder and then starts rubbing my arms trying to warm me up.

"My hands, Aaron please do something." I can't leave them inside the water anymore for the pain. I'm about to put them outside when Aaron take them and put them again under the water.

"Oh Robert, you idiot. You have to put the water cold." - And changes the temperature of the water. - "When you have frostbites you need to put them under cold water at the begin and then put it warmer with the seconds."

"Sorry, I didn't..."

"Remember, I know." He says smiling at me. Now he is beside me rubbing my hands with his, trying to reestablish the blood circulation again.

I can look at him from here without him noticing me. His cheek is all red for the cold outside like the top of his nose. I could go forward and kiss it. "How are you feeling?" What? Oh, the hands right.

"Yeah, better, now they are tingling."

"Good it means that they are getting back to normal. When you have finished go in front of the fireplace, warming up and I'll bring you an hot chocolate. I make three, I'm sure Liv wants it too if she ever gonna leave the bathroom." He says leaving me.

 

We are side by side in front of the fireplace. I'm under two thick blankets and finally my feet are defrosting. And the chocolate is helping too. He put a lot of cream on the top as I like it.

"So are you going to tell me what happened to you this morning?" Asks Aaron broking the silence.

"A bad moment but I went to Vic and she helped a bit." I answer still looking the fire cracking in front of me.

"I'm glad, and you know I am here too if you need right?"

I nod at him, sipping my chocolate.

"And now that you are here," - He says standing up and taking the last gift from under the Christmas tree. - "I can give you this. I wish I had given to you it, this morning, but you got out and Liv wanted to open the presents with you or without you. Sorry." Gives me a small presents that by the shape could be a book.

"Don't worry, I shouldn't have run away, it's my fault."

"Come on, open it."

I unwrap the gift and I find inside some sort of diary. No definitely a diary. "It's...ehm..." I don't know what to say.

"I know that isn't exactly Robert Sugden's style but I thought that you could write on it, your day, your life, your thoughts, everything, so in case something like this happens again you can read it and maybe your memory could came back easily. Yeah, a stupid idea. It seemed right at the time but saying it know..." I interrupt him placing my hand on his.

"It's perfect, really. It's true. It could help me clear my head right now too, put the things down instead of run away first thing of the morning." - I say smiling. - "Thank you."

We are both looking directly in each other's eyes now and I feel a sort of connection, the air seems to have changed between us and at the same time it's getting hot around here, and I'm pretty sure it's neither the fireplace nor the chocolate. I am starting to feel as though I might not be the only one feeling this.

"Mmh I smell chocolate!" Liv says, bringing us back to reality, stomping down the stairs.

"You took your time." - Says to her Aaron. - "Robert needed the shower ages ago, he had frostbites."

"Now it's free if you still want it." She says like she didn't even heard him.

"Yeah, I go." - I stand up bringing with me all the blankets. - "And ehm thank you again for this. I'm sorry that I didn't take you anything."

"Don't worry. I didn't expect you to." We smile at each other and I go to take the shower.

 

I'm on the couch ready to sleep. Actually my body is ready and really tired but my mind has others plans.

I rethink about everything happened today. It was an amazing day, the best I had in a long time. The warm and the joy of the people in the room. Knowing that Christmas brings everyone closer. It's been really special. The fun we had in the garden afterwards. The snow, the sense of calm and peace that it brings living those moments. And the smiles of the people. A very beautiful day.

Going back to this morning, that dream, those feelings about it, Vic's words. The fact that I'm bi, this opens up a new horizon in front of me. Maybe this famous love, the love of my live, my soul mate is the same person with whom I cheated on Chrissie, maybe yes, maybe not, but now I can include in that list all the males of the village. It's a possibility. Vic said that I did came out so I could have been in a relationship with a male, why not? I start to pass all the faces of the village but despite all my tries I can think only about one smile, one pair of eyes, one person.

Aaron.

 


	27. Chapter 27

31 December 2017

This week has been a real mess. I have barely seen Aaron. I woke up the other day thinking that there were only two possibilities, one, I was getting mad, and two, it was Aaron, the supposed love of my life. What I felt for him was different of any feeling I felt before. My next objective was talk to him, no matter what, because if I wasn't mad yet, I was on the right way to be, sadly it seemed that there wasn't ever the occasion to talk. Liv was getting him crazy and when he wasn't with her, he had work to do. I thought to talk to him, maybe at work but after few minutes together he always left. I started to think that he was avoiding me.

Aaron rushed to work this morning too, luckily it's the last day before the holidays and then he has a week off and he can't run away for ever. But I want to try to talk to him this night, what better occasion? I only have to figure out where and when. Here or the pub it's obviously not the right choice, most of all today. 

If Aaron is really the person that I think it is, he is the same person that himself described to me like the love of my life. And by what I know there has to be some special place for us too, some special memory. Maybe if I find it I can surprise him too.

I have a big breakfast with a big cup of coffee, to go through this day and then I start looking for something useful. I start from upstairs, from his bedroom, despite I already looked there times ago. I open all the drawers, look under shirts, underwear, where I find an interesting pair of boxers that I can't avoid to pick up from the drawer. They are all golden sparkling, and very very tight. I smirk alone in the room thinking what Aaron would look like in this. Even if the measurement I think it's bigger of Aaron's, maybe some precedent lover gave them to him as a present. 

Then I pass to the wardrobe, but it's basically empty since all the clothes are on the chair or on the floor, besides mine of course which are perfectly folded and hunged. I open a drawer on the bottom of the wardrobe and I find a metallic box inside. This could be interesting. There are only old Aaron's photos inside. He is much younger than now, the grumpiness is still the same though. Some makes me smile and some makes me have questions. But nothing meaningful for my purpose anyway. 

It's so weird that he hasn't nothing of his past. I get that this house is new but I expected he'd have brought something more here. They must be at the pub, but I can't go there alone without making Chas suspicious. 

Downstairs there are only some pictures with his mum and Liv and from what I know they are pretty new. I sit down on the couch with no idea of how to organize this. 

I notice on the armchair Aaron's jacket. I stare at it for few seconds then I stand up and I look into his pockets. I find his phone. With all his rush and these busy days he must have forgotten about it. 

I know that I shouldn't look but I give up. There is no password, no surprise with Liv snooping always in it. 

I go through the photos but I don't find anything. Most are about Aaron and Liv or Aaron and Adam or Chas. I then pick the texts and I weirdly find that the chronology starts the day I woke up from the coma and they gave me back my phone. I look through the contacts and it's all normal from what I can see. I click on my name 'Robert' and it opens a picture of me and Aaron smiling at the camera while, taking a selfie. We are in the back of the pub, very close and happy but nothing suggest we weren't two friends. It's anyway the first thing that I find that is before the accident. 

I then open the documents file and I find inside others files, all divided by subjects. But opening it, I notice that the most are about the scrapyard. 

Then when I'm about to give up, I find one called 'M'. Inside there are photos. Photos that I didn't find in the "images". One of me and Aaron at the Dingle's with a dog, smiling at each other. Some others that Aaron made me see when I woke up, hoping to trigger my memory. One where we are on the couch at the pub and I kiss him on the cheek and he doesn't seem very happy about it, probably taken by Liv. One of me and Liv playing videogames still at the pub. There are a lot of some objects that could be meaningful for Aaron. Drinks on a table. Two tickets for some concert. A penny? My watch? What kind of photos are these? A photo of some manual for Las Vegas casinos. There are a lot of photos like these. 

Then I see one that really capture my attention. We are me and Aaron, sat side by side on a beach, his head on my shoulder, my arms around his waist. The ocean in front of us. The sunset. The photographer made this photo behind us so you can only see our backs. But it's like looking a painting. It has something magic, so peaceful and calm, but that photo has an intimacy that is what I was looking for. I don't think that two friends are supposed to look like that. 

The next one reveals the photographer. We are me Aaron and Liv, laying on the beach, on ours chests. Me and Aaron under Liv that is on top of us and we are looking right in the middle of the camera smiling like idiots. We were really happy. Why they didn't tell me about this? We looked like a family and now is all starting to make sense. 

The last one is about me, sleeping on the bed apparently naked. The sun is getting through the window and landing on my face. I'm here at the Mill and I'm pretty sure the photo was taken by Aaron. 

I didn't find nothing useful for tonight but now I'm pretty sure that there was something between us...or Aaron it's some sort of stalker. 

 

I'm about to go out to ask something more to Vic or maybe even go to the pub but then Aaron enters in the house, just in time for me to put his phone back in the pocket. "What are you doing here?" I ask him. 

"I finished for today, I was only doing until midday now I need to eat something and then we need to get ready." 

"Get ready for what?" 

"Tonight." 

"Tonight? Why, where we go?" I ask, already with the doubt that my plan won't go like I'd have hoped. 

"Vic booked a cottage not far away from here. We're going to spend the night there and we are back tomorrow morning. Liv stays with Gabby." 

"Oh." - Amazing, right what I had in mind. I think sarcastically. - "Aaron did something happen between us? You seem quite elusive these days. And why didn't you tell me about this before?" 

"Sorry, I know about it for days but I didn't want to spoil it for you. With this kind of secrets I'm a mess, I'd have revealed it to you and I didn't want to do that." - He says smiling. - "Surprise!" 

"Oh." - I laugh. - "Yes, it is. So are the four of us tonight?" 

"Yeah, if you want of course." 

"Yes, sure. When we need to go?" 

"We thought to be there around four." 

"Ok, I go upstairs to put the pajama and some toilet things in a bag." 

 

We go with Adam's car. Aaron beside him in the front seat and me and Vic in the back. They put some pop song on and sing all the way. I had others plans for today but at the end I think that I'll enjoy the new year with my friends and it's not so a bad news. 

 

The cottage isn't completely isolated, there are others one all apparently empty. There is still a bit of snow around. And it's the right place to make noise without anyone bothering you. 

We find a sled inside and decide to go and find a right place to use it before it gets dark. 

There is a little slope between the trees so Adam try it. At the beginning it doesn't move, but then he goes down and the snow must be icy so he can't stop the sled, he turns on his side and falls down, avoiding to go against the trees. Vic rushes to him, worried that he hurt himself while me and Aaron laugh like crazy. Anyway he stands up, before Vic can slip on the ice, with a massive grin on his face and showing us a ski of the sled, he has just broken. 

 

The play time is already ended. We take a photo with the sunset behind us and we go back inside. 

We take few beers, chips and pop corn and we sit around the table starting to play with playing cards. But it doesn't last very longer because we are all distracted chatting on some stupid things, together with all Vic's gossip about some guys we should have known in her opinion. 

 

Vic puts the food on the table and only with the appetizers we could give to eat at a full army. 

Once finished them we are almost full, but we have the all night so we go on and by eleven we are actually at the dessert.

A beautiful sacher that in a way on in an another we manage to eat. 

In few minutes it will start the countdown so we turn on the tv for follow it live. 

 

Adam starts doing a video with his phone while we shout together with the presenter the countdown. 

"Three! Two! One! HAPPY NEW YEAR!" We all scream looking to his phone. 

"I'll send this to my mum." Says Adam not before to have given a kiss to Vic. 

Aaron opens the sparkling wine bottle, filling each of us a glass. And now I have to admit that together with the wine and the beers from before, I'm starting to feel the alcool inside me. 

"Cheers! Happy new year! Happy 2018!" We say clinging ours glasses. 

"Now guys I have a surprise for you." - Says Adam showing us a bag full of fireworks. - "I bought them in town. We can go in the garden, we are alone in the middle of nowhere so it shouldn't be a problem." 

 

There are three different types, quite small. Aaron and Adam place them in the garden, far from the trees, and Adam with a lighter starts them. Vic tries to grab him and put him away from the fireworks, scared they could hurt him. 

"So Robert what do you think about today till now?" Aaron, slightly tipsy, asks me, putting an arm around my shoulders. 

"Yeah, so far so good."

"Only good?" 

"Almost great." 

"Almost? What could turn it in great?" 

"I don't know, what do you have in mind?." I say using his drunk state to flirt with him.

"Ah." Shouts Vic, dropping a sparkler, when almost it was burning her. 

"Oh Ad you bought those too, here, take these." Says Aaron giving me two sparklers, lighting them on. They begin to crackle and that's actually something new for me. 

 

After a while we go back inside for warming us up. We sit back at the table and pick up some alcohol bottles to give a certain direction to the night. 

With ours glass in front of us, we start an apparently stupid drinking game that it reveals to be actually funny. We turn the music up too to create the right atmosphere. 

Around past 4, Vic is just collapsed on the couch so we decide to call it a night.

Vic and Adam go to a room, while me and Aaron are in another one where there are two sofà beds. 

 

I'm already under the blankets when Aaron comes outside from the bathroom in his pijama and goes to his bed. "So what do you think now, we suddisfacted your expectetions?" 

"Yeah, I had fun, Christmas was nice with all the family while today with my friends. It's been few good days. You kno, when I went to Vic's in Christmas, we talked about the fact that I felt lonely, that I thought to not have enough friends but these days prooved me that I was wrong. I have friends, the best I could have, right? You are my friend, aren't you?" 

The light is already turned off so I can't see his face. "Aaron? Hey are you awake?" 

"Mmh mmh."

"So are you my friend?" 

"Mmh mmh" He mubbles back, but I hear him slighty snoring. I think he didn't listen a single thing of what I said. But I'm happy and relaxed because if it's not today, I'll talk with Aaron another day, and it doesn't change anything because memory or not I have finally found my place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted for them to spend good moments during these holidays, so there wasn't a real step forward about the plot. But I promise that the next chapter will be really important and will be crucial for Rob and for them as a couple. Thank you for keep reading this :-)


	28. Chapter 28

5 January 2018

We spent these days on holiday relaxing ourselves for most of the time. They were actually some funny few days. Liv was on Christmas break so I experimented that family atmosphere which I heard about but I didn't actually lived before. There was no pressure so we took our time. We woke up late, had late lunches and so on.

I managed to know Liv a bit more, we already have found a common ground in the past but it got better in the lasts few days. I helped her doing her homework, most of all maths and in Aaron's opinion it was some sort of miracle for him to see her actually doing her homework. We had together a lot of night in, the three or us, simply watching TV or playing with the Xbox. And I became actually quite good at it. Once she went to sleep, me and Aaron played until at least I'd have won a game. I couldn't let him win so easy. He obviously had more experience than me.

We wanted to go to a theme park berore the end of the holidays but unfurtunately the worst thing of these days was the weather. It rained more or less every day. Luckily Aaron's mum owns a pub so we often slipped in there to spend some time with the others, that were in the same conditions as us. In fact Chas for entertain the customers made some activities during the evening.

The first night there was a karaoke. And we avoided to be involved, but we enjoied ourselves, most of all when Jimmy went to the microphone. I started to sing too at the end of the night and Aaron told me that when I'm drunk happens that I start singing.

Another one was a quiz. Aaron explained to me that a year back we won it. This year we weren't that good. The game was easy if you knew the partner whom you were playing with. We made some right answers but I still didn't remember a lot about our relationship so I couldn't help him win.

While we went home Aaron saw that I was slighty upset but he said to me to be grateful about the things that the quiz helped me to learn about him. And it was actually the thruth. In fact I have stopped doing something about it or trying to force my memory to came back. It'll happen at the right time.

 

When I come downstairs, despite not being too late Liv tells me that Aaron already left. He's gone to the pub. "Why? Did something happened?" I ask Liv.

"No, it's Chas, like always she'll want to do some big do about today, but Aaron will be against it so they'll bicker over it all morning, giving me the time to go to town without Aaron noticing. I completely forgot about today."

"Sorry Liv. Why? What is there so important about today?"

"Wake up! It's Aaron's birthday!" She shouts at me.

"Today? And how could I know? No one told me!"

"Oh right, well obviously Aaron wouldn't have done that. Ehm...well it's today."

"Ehm...I...I don't have a present for him."

"Well, of course. You could came in town with me."

"To buy him what? I haven't any idea."

She sits on the couch and I go to the armchair. At the end I don't know him so well, not in the deep. "What did I take him last year?"

"What? Ehm....well it was a surprise, we organized it together."

"It was a surprise party?"

"Party? Well it was something a little bit more cosy. We did it in the back of the pub. And we were only the three of us, more or less." She says, but I know that she is hiding something.

"And then what? The surprise party was the actual present?"

"Well no, then you gave him something really big."

"Liv what it was?!"

"Sorry, I have to go, I have to take the bus."

I'm starting to read her and I have the suspect that she won't tell me because it was something related on our past relationship. "Wait! Don't worry I'll drive you there. Now tell me everything!"

She sits back on the armchair "I can't tell you. I'm sorry."

"Why? What happened?"

I see that Liv is struggeling, she wants to tell me but something is holding her back. "Liv, ehm...last year...Aaron...me and Aaron were together?"

"What?" - She stares at me for few seconds then she realizes that I'm serious. - "How do you know?"

"So is it true?" I ask going towards her kneeling on the carpet.

"Yeah." She says smiling relieved to have lost such a big weight.

She seems lost of words for the first time since I know her. "So what happened? Did you remember something or what?" Asks me, now more relaxed.

"No I didn't remember anything, it was only a suspect."

"So is it true what's been said, the true love doesn't know any limit?"

"Well I don't know if is exactly like that."

"Go on, how did you discover it? Did someone tell you?"

"No, it was a sum of factors. Aaron told me about this person, the supposed love of my life, about my past relationships, and at the beginning wasn't anything particolar. But then I did ask him some questions about this supposed mistery girl but this excluded basically all the village. Then with the days I started to feel something for him, and I didn't know what it was. I didn't understand why I felt something for a bloke and that confused me a lot. So I went to Vic's and I learnt that I'm bisexual. All was starting to make more sense. I was almost certain then when I looked throught Aaron's phone and I found some pictures."

"Oh why is he so stupid?" She says facepalming.

"He tried to hide them and it wasn't anything particolar. There were some pictures of us at the beach..."

"We were together at the Mauritius last summer."

"...and one of me in bed and that made me slighty suspicious."

"Couldn't he stop himself, could he?" - Says Liv smirking. - "So if you knew why didn't tell him?"

"I wasn't sure, he could have been some sort of stalker for what I knew. And anyway I tried on New Year but then he dragged me with Vic and Adam so I decided to wait and if it was destiny something would have happened."

"So what are you planning now?"

"I'm not planning anything, until few minutes ago I didn't even know it was his birthday, and besides you didn't even told me yet what was that present?"

"Ehm...you gave him an holiday to Las Vegas with a limousine, a flight in first class and others thousands things."

"Are you serious? Am I this rich?"

"Are you kidding me? Didn't you see your bank account?"

"Actually no. How can I make something comparable? It must have been unforgettable for him."

"Well, you didn't actually go there so I think that pretty much everything would be good for him."

"Why?"

"Well it's a really long story and we haven't the time." She says standing up.

"No, wait, wait Liv." - I say holding her arm. - "And what about the affair, my wife and all that?"

"Seriously Robert now it's not the time, and I'm not the person who have to tell you about all of that. Now you have to think only about Aaron and his birthday." She says smiling.

"Ok, can you helping me? What would want Aaron? It must be something that will make him happy."

"Do you really know him? Seeing Aaron happy is like some sort of miracle. But I think that now there is something he would love to have."

"What?"

"You."

"Me? So what? I tell him that I know about us?"

"Yeah, but maybe you could make it a little more romantic?"

"Ehm, how? I could make dinner for him, or taking him out."

"Well yeah, but I have a better idea."

"Come on, spit it out."

"What time is it?"

"Half past ten, why?"

"You have to take me to town to buy my present, and then I'm gonna help you, promise."

 

While we were in town Aaron left me a couple of messages asking where we were and that he wanted to spend the day with us, absolutely not saying that it was his birthday.

 

Now I'm in a barn, not far from the village, completely on my own with a bunch of stuff.

It was Liv's plan. Once she bought the present, she explained her idea. She told me what she knew about this place, that it was special for Aaron, that I even wanted to propose to him here.

Saying that I'm confused is an understatement, I have so much questions but when I opened my mouth to ask her, she left me. She went to the pub, trying to hold Aaron and distract him, while I have to clear up and set everything in this place.

Once inside I ask myself why here, it stinks, it's cold and it's not helping that it seems is about to rain. I hope it keeps holding it because between the walls and the roof there are so many holes in this barn that I don't think we'll be very confortable.

I can only say that there are enough hay balls. The floor is a bit wet and for what I have in mind isn't exactly perfect.

There is a stair going to some sort of first floor. I'm a bit worried that it could break but I go up and it's cosier and maybe better for my surprise. I bring everything up. Liv gave me some food, if we can call it that, and a bottle of wine. I place them in a basket. Then I take out some blankets and cushions. I turn on the pc and I link it with the projector.

I put inside the USB Liv gave me but I'm too curious and I can't avoid to play it.

It's a video made with a lot of pictures of me and Aaron with an Adele song in the background. I stop after the first two pictures, we are me and Aaron kissing on Christmas in the first and in the second, now I know that we are at Mauritius, me hugging Aaron from behind leaning on the bannister by the beach probably the same day of all the others pics I saw about that holiday. I don't want to watch the others, I'll wait for Aaron for watching them together. But I can't avoid to go back to the first one of the kiss. It's the first I see and it's weird looking at us kissing considering that until yesterday I thought we were only friends. He looks so happy, we look happy, so in love.

I spend few minutes lost in my thoughts, I can't remember all those moments we lived together and it hurts. I'm trying to go over it but sometimes I can't really avoid to feel sorry for myself, I'm every day surer that I won't have my memories back. Anyway today will be the start of something new and I won't left anything ruin it.

Liv gave me a lot of stuff for creating a romantic atmosphere, I don't know if those are the right things but few candles should work for Aaron too.

I go down the stairs and I place candles on the sides of a imaginary path from the barn's door to the bottom of the stairs. Now the atmosphere is really romantic, considering all the light coming from the candles.

Liv said that she would tell me when Aaron will be free so I could get ready. But I don't hear anything, so in the meanwhile I occupy myself blowing some balloons and I leave them downstairs on the hay.

The weather outside it's getting worst, it's increasing the wind and I can hear thunders on distance. I don't know if it was a good idea do this thing here.

I finish decoring upstairs but then I call Liv, I can't wait anymore. It's past six and she didn't even text me. Maybe they are having fun but I start to worry instead.

She calls me back after few minutes, telling me Aaron has just left. I ask her what took them so long and she said they were making it believable. I then tell her that Aaron have for sure noticed that I was missing. She answers that she told Aaron to came here for a surprise for the three of us. She left him go forward, saying she would catch up with him. Anyway in few minutes he should be here.

Oh my God, he could be here in few seconds. I'm so stressed, I have no idea what to say to him. Where do I go? I can't stay here like a pole, I go up the stairs and I sit myself between the cushions. I turn the music on to create the right atmosphere. But now? I can't distract myself, I keep trying to repeat what to say to him. 'Happy birthday Aaron.' As a start. But after that what? It's completely blank in front of me. I keep trying to convince myself that once he'll be here everything will be better but I'm more anxious than ever. And if he thinks I'm an idiot when I'll start stuttering some sentences without a sense. I'm an idiot, look how I am dressed. This shirt it's too floreal and the jacket isn't matching. Why I didn't think about it before leaving this morning? Oh and my hair, when was the last time I looked myself in a mirror? Oh no there was a pimple on my face this morning. I let myself fall down back in the hay. It's really weird all this because I forgot how to behave in these occasions, how to overcame all my fears. I take a deep breath and I stand up, running my hands in the hair. Oh god, all the hay in my hair!

 

It's past half an hour and Aaron is still nowhere to be seen. It's started raining so I phone Liv who says that she hasn't any news.

I wait for other five minutes but then I phone him, but it's switched off so I take the car and I go back to the village, maybe he stopped for the rain. I don't know.

I don't see him on my way back and now I'm really starting to get worried.

I rush inside the mill finding Liv on the couch. "It's went this bad?" She asks as soon as she sees me.

"No, I didn't see him. He didn't even showed up, and I didn't see him on my way back."

"Maybe he stopped somewhere, you know how he is and anyway you couldn't see him on the road, he went there walking."

"But his car isn't out."

"Yeah he left it at the garage."

"But it's pouring out there."

"Maybe he protected himself somewhere."

"How did he go there then?"

"By the street that goes in the woods, I guess."

"In the woods with this weather, perfect."

"Why you keep moaning and don't go up there? Who knows for how long Aaron is waiting for you?"

 

I go back to the barn, with a mix of anger, worry, anxiety, excitation. I understand almost right away that is better focusing on the road. Luckily the rain it's almost stopped, I was worried we would have to forget everything. Now if Aaron it's already there he has seen what I did and my surprise is ruined.

When I'm almost there I see a light where it's supposed to be the barn and I don't understand, there isn't eletricity and the barn is completely isolated.

Ad soon as I can see better I notice a lot of smoke and the light is from the inside of the barn completely on fire.

A wave of panic run trough my body. How that happened? Oh my god the candles, those stupid candles. I forgot to blow them out. It must be caused by the wind and the hay. Oh God.

Aaron.

Now I left the car and I'm running towards the barn but I can't see him outside. And if he is in there?? Maybe he was waiting for me, maybe he fell asleep on the blankets.

"Aaron! Aaron!" I start shouting.

I can see the flames invading the barn. I look around hoping to see him or any sign that it isn't inside but I don't found any.

I go to the door of the barn trying to look inside but between the hay and the wood the fire is unstoppable. The smoke his filling my lungs, I start coughing but I need to see if he is inside. I take off my jacket and put it on my mouth trying to breath throught it. I'm really scared but I decide to go forward, but when I'm about to enter, the first floor falls and a blaze escape the barn, I barely avoid being hit by it.

I am on the floor, stunned, I feel the heat on my skin despite the clothes and the rain.

I stand up and I see him.

 

"Robert! Robert! Are you ok?" He's here, by my side, helping me stand up.

He keeps talking to me but I can't hear his voice. He is holding me in his arms and the only feeling is the happiness of seeing him alive and the emotion to be so close to him. I'm keeping myself upright clinging in his arms.

And then ours faces are so close, he stops talking and looks me back.

It starts raining again copiously but we don't move.

I look in his eyes. I can feel his breath on my face.

The water is damping my clothes, I can feel the cold outside but I don't care because I can feel the warmth radiating from his body.

I can't stop this. I move forward and I kiss him. I only place my lips on his, nothing more and I notice that it's slighty taken aback.

I move my hands on his neck. We part, but ours foreheads stay linked.

There is something intossicating in him and I want to taste his so soft and warm lips again, deeply this time. So I move forward for another kiss.

I feel him holding on my shoulders, pushing himself closer than humanly possibile.

I feel under my fingers on his neck, the light tickle of his stubble, the pulse of his vein, the smuttness of his skin. His smell is invading my nostrils, something masculine and sweaty for have run in the woods. I feel an odd tingly sensation in my stomach and my heart began to beat a little faster.

He slide his toungue against my lip asking for entrance. I don't want to let him wait any longer. And suddendly I'm overwhelmed by a vortex of passion.

 

_I don't know how but I find myself on a country road abruptly with Aaron sucking my bottom lip and pushing me towards a truck._

_He opens the door and takes off my jacket. I hit with my back the truck while he bites my lip. I can't avoid to moan. All this it's too much._

_"Aaron". I say between the kiss, he looks back at me. But now I'm just been pushed on a bed, with Aaron on top of me._

_He isn't kissing me anymore, we are watching each others. I feel I can look throught him, throught those blue eyes. And all I can see is so much love and I can feel It. I can feel it by the beating of my heart._

_He leans towards me and I close my eyes expecting a kiss but I can't feeling anything so I open my eyes and I found myself on a chair, in hospital, a bed in front of me. I stand up and I see him. Aaron._

_The panic is invading me, I go fast backwords, and I hit with my head the wall behind me. I touch my head and I see blood._

_I close my eyes, take a deep breath and I open them again. I'm still looking at my hand but now I'm in the sinking car with Aaron, like in my last vision._

_It's happening again, the memories coming back, but this time there are a lot of them. I close my eyes again, take deeps breaths and I try to think where I was and what was happening before all this._

_The fire. The barn._

_The fire. My mum in the barn, Andy by my side. "Where is mum? Where is she?" The explosion._

_Andy. The crash. Max. My dad._

_The funeral. Chrissie. Rebecca._

_My marriage. Katie. Aaron._

_Pointing a gun at him. Seeing him crying. A shout._

_"I, Robert Jacob Sugden, take you, Aaron Dingle to be my wedded husband, I promise to be faithful, to put you first, to make you happy, to keep trying to be better for you, because you deserve it."_

_A trial. We argue. We cry._

_I drink. I'm disperate. Rebecca. I kiss her._

_Oh God, someone make all these stop please, it can't be real. I want to cry, to scream but I can only see and live again all these memories like a witness._

_Now Aaron is crying, we are arguing, Rebecca is pregnant, he leaves me._

_I keep crying in a vortex of feelings and then the tears became dropplets of rain, but I'm not outside the barn with Aaron like I supposed to be, I'm driving a car under a thunderstorm with Rebecca by my side when all I hear is a big noise and all I see is a big light in front of me._

_I scream, I can't control the car._

_I don't know for how long I keep screaming but the car doesn't seem to touch the ground, there is no crash._

 

"Shh, shh. Robert calm down, shh, you are safe. Robert, it's all in you head." I feel Aaron's hand rubbing on my back and slowly I come back to reality and I stop screaming.

My breath goes so fast, I'm kneeling on the ground in a puddle of water, with the rain having damped all my clothes. Aaron is kneeling with me holding me in his arms. "It's all right Robert, you are with me now, you are not alone. It's all in the past. You got throught it once and you can go throught it again. I promise you." He keeps talking to me, but right now I can't focus on anything. My head is hurting so bad. It's like it's been a big explosion in there.

I notice than Aaron is talking to me now, asking me something. "Can you stand on your feet? I'd like for us to not catch a cold." I see him smiling. But I don't think I can do anything at all right now so I shake my head.

"Come on, lean on me and we go home. Focus only on me, on my voice, I know how you feel when your head is about to explode and more you think about it and more gets worse. So look at me." - He says cupping my cheeks with his hands. - "Are you ok?" He asks.  
I nod without the strength to do anything else.

"Try to focus on the sound of my voice, ok? We are going home." He says putting me in the car. His voice, I need to focus on his voice, so warm, calm, reassuring, he knows all will go well. Focus on him. I turn my head and I don't loose the sight of him for all the way back home, studying every single detail of his face.

Aaron.


	29. Chapter 29

6 January 2018

I'm sitting in the dark of the bedroom at Mill. 

 

We went home okay. He kept looking at me for the whole time. Once inside, we dryed up without saying a single word. I wanted to broke the silence but I didn't. 

We went to the bedroom, I left him go under the covers and there he lays since then. 

 

I am sit on a chair at the end of the room. I couldn't leave him alone in the state he was. 

Despite the darkness of the room, I know he is not sleeping. In these years I learnt to recognise every single difference of his breath. 

With what happened yesterday, he can't close his eyes. And I understand him, because it's happening the same to me. 

Ours minds are traveling, we are asking ourself what this will bring to us, because I know he has his memory back. All of it. All the problems between us, the break up, the accident with Rebecca. I'm worried about him, it could be hard for him recover from everything. Who knows how he's gonna react? What it'll be his next decision? Whatever it'll be, I hope he'll be ok. 

I'd like to ask him how he is, but I keep the silence. I watch the bedside alarmclock, 2 a.m. He didn't move a single muscle since he is inhere. His breath is still the same, he hasn't cried since he was in my arms under the rain. It stopped raining by the way. And now is all in an absolute silence. 

 

At the end I must have dozed off because when I open again the eyes there is light in the room. Robert is still here. 

I have to do the first move, I can't bare to wait any longer. "Morning." I say. 

Nothing. He keeps looking at the ceiling. 

"Ehm do you want something? I can bring you some breakfast." 

Nothing again. I stand up to go downstairs and at least make coffe. I need caffeine to go throught this day. 

"I've been thinking." He says abruptly. 

Silence again. "Yeah, me too." I say then.

"Ehm...first of all thank you for taking care of me in the lasts months." He says sitting up, with the back on the headboard in order to look at me, but I feel him far away. 

"Not problem, it's what friends do." 

"Friends? Are we friends?" 

"Yeah sure." 

"So why didn't you stay with me before all that ?Why you only turned up once that Rebecca and my son died? Why Aaron?" He has tears in his eyes and I'm lost of words, I wasn't expecting an outburst like this. I didn't think he could be angry with me. 

"Robert, I know it can't be easy all this to you, but I tried my best.. " 

"Do you know? You have no idea how this can make you feel. You are in the hands of people who you don't know, who could be completely strangers and you have to trust them, you start to believe to their reality but then after months you wake up, when you have lost all the hope and you discover that you were living a lie. That your own family was scared to tell you the thruth because maybe they liked more the new version of yourself instead the messed up one who brought to death a woman and a child don't even born yet. Because if he didn't remember, there wasn't the possibility to know that your brother, your stepson, your husband, your friend was a killer!" 

"Robert that's not true, you know that, we followed the doctor's instruction and you know that." I try to get close to him, to make understand him that we made everything in our power to help him but he abruptly stands up from the bed away from my catch. I guess that it's impossible right now talking some sense into him. He's right I don't have idea what all this feels like.

He gives me his back and looks outside the window. "I need to see him." He says keeping staring outside. 

"Who?" 

"My son!" And he close himself in the bathroom before I could say a single word.

 

"Robert, maybe you didn't get that bit but your son..." I try to say once he comes downstairs but he straight away interrupts me.

"I know, you don't need to say it!" - He is looking at the floor, trying to avoid my eyes in every way. - "But I need to talk to him, I need something that represents him. I need to go to his grave." He says before turning towards the front door. 

"Wait! You can't!"

Now he turns around. "Excuse me, why?"

"Because you won't find him, he isn't here." 

"What? What do you mean? Where is he?"

"I don't know." 

"How can you don't know it, Aaron?" He says almost aggresively coming towards me. 

"Because I don't know where Chrissie and Lawrence moved, I know they brought Rebecca ashes with them but..." 

"Well someone have to know!" 

"Maybe Diane or Vic, try to ask them." - In a second he is by the door. - "Wait let me come with you." 

"No, I can do it on my own." And he is out. 

I stay paralized staring at the door. What the hell happened in the past minutes? Maybe he was right, since last night my only thought was what it would bring to our relationship. I was happy about it and I have been selfish, I didn't think about all that. I thought it was in the past and the truth is I really didn't care that much about Rebecca or his unborn son, not in the last period, so now I feel awful about it. 

It's not even 8, I don't think Vic would be so pleased to see him hassling her first thing in the morning anyway.

 

"Hey, where is Rob?" Liv asks, placing a mug in front of me. I didn't even see her come downstairs. I only now notice that are passed two hours since he left and I didn't move a single muscle. 

"He's out." 

"Already? I thought you two would have spend all day in bed. Where did he go?"

"He was looking for Vic." 

"Why? Did something happen?" 

"He remembered everything and now he wants to find his son." I say with my head between my hands.

Liv is looking at me, lost of words, saddly it doesn't last long. "When you say everything you mean everything everything?"

"Yes Liv, everything. It's like before all this happened, only now he hates the world I think." 

"His son? You mean...how can he..."

"Obviously he means Rebecca's body, but I think he feels guilty to him most of all. The Whites brought her away with them. I guess Diane or Vic might know where to." 

"Well, then what happened between you two yesterday?" 

"When I went to the barn, the barn was already on fire. While I was waiting for him, I tried to protect myself from the rain and then I heard him screaming. He thought I was in the barn, he tried to go inside but the fire was too big already so he had to run out, and there I found him, coughing on the gravel. Once he saw me alive he kissed me and in the middle of the kiss I think he had the flash that brought back his memory or maybe he already remembered something before, I don't know."

"No, I think was the kiss that was the turning point. He knew already your past history between you two." Says Liv.

"How? And how do you know?" 

"He told me yesterday, he had a suspect and in the lasts weeks he was almost certain, then yesterday I told him about your birthday, so he wanted to know about last year present and well he got all the answers he was looking for." 

"Oh." - I didn't expected this. - "So yesterday was all a surprise organized for me?" 

"Yeah, I suggested him about the barn and he was going to do a romantic dinner, some photos from the past, he wanted to tell you and obviously he felt the same as before." A smirk escapes from my lips learning that. 

"What are you smiling at?" She says bringing me back to the reality.

"Nothing, it's just...well, this means that ours feelings, memory or not, never went away." 

"Yeah, very beautiful, but from what I understood now he is pissed off with you." 

"He isn't, he is a bit stressed, I'm sure that he needs only time. If he needs to talk to his child before putting all this behind him who am I to stop him? I'll go with him, and I'll wait until he is ready to move on."

"I hope you are right." - 'Yeah I hope it too.' I think. - "Don't wait for me, I'm going at Gabby's."

"What? Again?" 

"Yes, again and besides you have to sort out with Robert, so it'll be better without me around. Bye." And she is out the door.

 

I try to stay calm, not think about him or all the things happening right now but I can't. He doesn't come back for lunch so I have something alone, but my stomach is close anyway. I turn on the tv traying to distract myself but the only thing I do is looking at the clock. The hours pass but he isn't back yet. For a minute I wonder if he is already went to look for the Whites but I see that his car is still outside so I calm myself, or I try at least. Now is dark outside I think to call him or leave a text but I don't want to put too pressure on him. 

 

Around nine he comes back. He enters, hangs the jacket and goes to the fridge not even looking at me. "Hey, how did it go?" I ask after few minutes of total silence. 

"Fine. I have the address." He says, sipping a beer. 

"And then where did you go to?"

"Why? What have this to do with you?" Robert answers harsly.

"Nothing....ehm...sorry, I...I was only worried. It's late and...sorry." 

"Yeah, well, you don't have to look after me anymore Aaron." Except obviously is the exact contrary.

"Ehm, so where are they?" 

"Outside London. Vic gave me Chrissie's new phone number, at the end I convinced her to see me."

"Ok, that's... great, when?" 

"Tomorrow, so...ehm, it's better for me to go to bed. Or maybe I stay here on the couch if you don't stay up much longer. I'd stayed at Vic's or I'd booked a room at the B&B but it's gone late and I have all my stuff here." 

"No, you don't have to, you can stay here as long as you want and anyway if we have to leave early tomorrow it's better for me to go sleeping now too and..."

"No wait," - he interrupts me - "you haven't understood, you don't come. I'll go alone." 

"Why? I can help you, support you, you know being there for you." 

"There is no need, stay here and go on with your life, I need to put back in track mine, so don't bother coming."

"But I want to."

"Well, I don't want you there." 

 

I don't cry, I don't get angry, I don't blame him but at the same time I don't know what I did wrong. I decide to let him go and maybe that will help him, maybe he needs to stay alone, changing air and when he'll come home we could talk. But realizing that, anyway doesn't help me to sleep tonight.


	30. Chapter 30

7 January 2018

I'm two hours early. Chrissie gave me the appointment here by 1 p.m, during her lunch break. I was worried to arrive late and she'd been already gone, so I left by the first lights of dawn. 

The trip here went well, I was focused on the road, radio turned on, so I didn't think about anything. 

Now I'm here, on this bench in the park and I'm literally freezing. I don't have any idea what to say to her. I think that whatever word will go out from my mouth the reaction will be the same. For the matter I have no idea what to say to Rebecca or my son neither. I'm starting to wonder why I'm here. 

 

On tim, I see her walking towards me. Despite everything I can't not notice that she is still a wonderful woman. She didn't deserve all that, she was a good woman and she'd have a beautiful life if she wouldn't have met me. 

"Robert." - She calls once she is close enough for me to hear. - "I could say that is a pleasure to meet you again but it would be a lie and I leave those to you." 

"Chrissie, hi. Ehm you look well." 

"Leave it, flatter me won't change anything. You said you wanted to talk, go on. I guess you are after something like always." 

"Ok, well, I only want to know where Rebecca is buried." 

"Why on earth I would have to tell you?" She looks me back stunned almost asking herself with what courage I could have come here and ask her that.

"Well, I wanted to pay my respects." 

"Now? After all these months." 

"I was in a coma." 

"For all this time?"

"No....but then I lost my memory, and no one told me what happened until yesterday night." 

"Oh poor you, so you didn't show any interest, for someone else fault? It wasn't even your fault you have killed my sister wasn't it?" 

"Chrissie I couldn't remember anything at all, I didn't know who I was, what was my name, where I lived, who was my family, anything, ok? I woke up with around a bunch of people that I hadn't idea who they were. Everything I knew was what they told me."

"And why they didn't tell you?"

"It was an order from the doctors, it could have been too risky for me. Believe me I was pissed off too until few hours ago." 

She seems to understand that I was kept in the dark only for my well being. "Oh, I knew that they hated us, but hide something like this I think it's too much for them too. Diane promised me, she should have told me if there would be any news." 

"Like I said, my memory came back only yesterday. She couldn't have tell you anything."

"She should have told me about you waking up!"

"And what difference would it make?" - And for the first time she doesn't find anything to say me back. - "Chrissie, look, I perfectly get it that you can't forget about all I did to you and your family but I can swear on my life, what happened was an accident." 

She seems thoughtful for a moment. "So now do you remember what happened that day too right?" 

"Yeah I do."

"I need to know, everything, and please be honest." 

I passed all the night yesterday to go over and over again to that moment, now I go on about in automatic. "Well, me and Bex went shopping stuff for the baby, we were going back to the village when Rebecca started screaming, she thought she was having the baby so she told me to go to the hospital. She was panicking, screaming and crying and in the meanwhile there was a thunderstorm around us. I was going faster than usual but nothing that could put us in danger, but then suddendly a lightning hit a tree that fell right in front of us and well you know the rest..." 

Chrissie stays silent for few seconds, maybe rethinking about when he learnt about her sister death. "Yeah they told us that it was probably an accident, but sometimes it's better believe in something else less painful and giving the fault to you wasn't the worst thing in that period." 

"And now? Is still the best thing to do?" 

"I believe you. Only about the accident but I won't apoligize for anything."

"I'm not asking you to." We look to each others for few moments. 

"Ok, you can go to see her. Is in the local cemetry. It won't be difficult for you to find her." She finally says. 

"Well, thank you." 

"What is the real reason for you to want to go there?" 

The question I was asking myself for the last half hour. "I don't actually know, I guess I need to put all this behind me. But I don't know if seeing her grave will change anything." 

"I think that is the first time you haven't say a lie. Robert Sugden unsure of something, the coma must have been useful." 

"Yeah it seems that everyone prefered the new Robert, weird because we are the same person." 

"The new one hadn't get past everything you had to. Maybe that made the difference." 

Yeah maybe she is right, all I had to go throught made me what I am now. So, yeah, maybe I'm not the best person on the planet but it's not all my fault. "You know what? I'm happy we have met today."

"Yeah, me too, but I hope it'll be the last time." - She says smiling. - "Now I have to go. Bye Robert." 

"Bye." I say smiling back. 

 

The cemetry is bigger than Emmerdale's but anyway not enough to get lost. I stay on the main path until I see a grave literally covered of flowers that catch my attention. 

\- Rebecca White -

Despite everything now that I'm here I can't avoid a tear to leave my eyes. 

Now I see how much an idiot I am. Who comes to a cemetry without flowers? 

Maybe it was an accident, maybe it wasn't my fault, maybe it'd happen anyway but I was driving that car. If that day I wouldn't have left my bed maybe I wouldn't be here today. 

I sit beside the stone and I wait trying to think the right words to say. But nothing comes to my mind. The time goes on and on and I'm still here, with my back to the side of the stone really lost of words.

I see passing and going in other directiocenes only a bunch of people. I start feeling the dampness of the grass going throught my jeans and the sun is about to go down. Or now or never I say to myself. 

I turn towards the stone, I read her name again, I look to the photo properly for the first time. It is a photo taken during her days in Ibiza during some wedding or party maybe. Yeah it's definetely my fault, if I wouldn't have called her back here she would still be sunbathing on the beaches of Spain. All this mess is cause I decided to bring her back, Aaron, the prison, the one night stand, the pregnancy, the accident. Bringing her back caused so much pain to three whole families. 

Only because I needed some sort of revenge, how could I have been so selfish? "I'm sorry. I'm sorry to have used you. I'm sorry to haven't cared about you, about our baby. I'm so so so sorry, Bex." 

Yesterday I told Aaron he was selfish, the only one selfish is right here. They, all of them, tried to live with my mistakes, all this events happened for some sort of stupid actions I decided to make in one moment. And now everything is ruined

"I don't think I can apoligize enough. If you would be here alive in front of me I doubt you'd accept my excuses, but right now is all I got." I really don't know what could give me being here, I can't erase from my head all the things I did wrong.

"I made a mistake after a mistake, after a mistake, for all my life. You know, not long ago I met Chrissie and she told me that maybe I am this mess of a person cause the people I had around for all my life. But that I can recall, I always have been considered an horrible person. Only my mum loved me as I was but she was brought away from me." After that no one really loved me until I came back to the village. 

"Aaron was like my mum. He tries to see the good in the people, he helped me, having him by my side brought me back on track but I had to mess up everything I had all over again. The few people I loved in my life, I hurt them. And I know that maybe this is not what you'd want to hear, but I loved him and that night ruined all the good I had in my life. I know it's all my fault but I can't avoid to think about it. At the same time that night was bringing something beautiful for you, that you wanted and you loved but I, like always, I ruined it for you." 

"One thing I know, despite everything I said to you, all the horrible things, I'd have loved this little baby you were carrying with you. I know I would have loved him.." - I start crying now. - "He was an other chance to make something good in my life, despite all the mess I made, he was coming, a life, a new life." The tears are streaming down my face. 

"Maybe I would have been a horrible dad too but I'd have never allowed something bad would have happened to him." 

"And it's for him that I'm here, I wanted to talk to him, but how can I? He would have been ashamed of his dad, like my father was ashamed of me, like I'm ashamed of myself."

I stay silent again for few minutes, playing with the grass before speaking again. "I don't know if what happened made me a murderer or a bad person, but I know thought that nothing can change what happened and the only way it's trying to be better, to not make the same mistakes again. So I can promise only one thing, I'll try to be better." 

Tears falling again down my face and without thinking I dry them with the back of my sleeve. Only after I notice what I just did and I smile thinking to him, to Aaron. "I promise to be better towards the people who care about me." I take my phone out from my pocket and I write a message to him.

'I'm really sorry for my behaviour of the lasts days. You didn't deserve it. I'll be back tonight :)'

He'll be the first person with who I'm going to make it right together with Vic and Diane. I won't loose them as well. 

"Then I promise you, my little boy, that you won't be forgotten, you'll always be in my heart. I want to be a father in the future, to teach my child all the things it has not to do. So once it'll grow up it'll be this amazing man or woman and it'll know who was it's brother." 

I have no more tears inside me. "I promise that I'll try to be good from now on, and making good." I stand up. I look at the grave one more time and I take few steps back. 

"I hope that when I'll be here the next time I 'll be a different person from the one I am now." 

"See you soon." I say touching the stone. 

 

I am back on the car when it's already dark. The time flew away. I set the navigator which tells me that I won't be home until past midnight. I take out the phone and I don't see any text back from Aaron, I hope he won't be too angry despite he has every right to be. 

'Don't wait for me, I'll be late.' I text him. 

I turn the engine on and I start driving.

I manage to stay awake thanks to the loud rock music I put on the radio. And that helps me not thinking about anything apart taking the right way home.

 

I open the front door of the Mill and I hear the noise from the Tv. Aaron despite my text stayed up. I hope he doesn't want to argue, I really don't have it in me right now. 

Once I'm inside I see that my thoughts were right but Aaron is sleeping soundly on the couch. The remote is on the floor, probably fell from the hand stuck under his head. I can't help but smile at the sign of him. I'm so sorry from the reaction I had yesterday. He really didn't deserve it.

I turn off the tv. I take the blanket from the back of the couch and I place it on him. I kiss lightly his head, careful to not wake him, but he doesn't move a single muscle and I think how could I been so stupid to push back the man I desperately wanted for the last months.

 

I leave him to sleep and I go upstairs, asking myself why can't we sleep in the same bed yet, and smiling at the thought. It could be the next thing to discuss tomorrow.


	31. Chapter 31

8 January 2018

It's the second consecutive morning that I wake up with a headache and asking myself if all that happened it's true. And for the second time it is. 

Despite everything I didn't wake up late. It's still half past seven so Liv it's still here. Now that I can think straightly, pretty much, the only thought to go downstairs and face them it's making me sick. 

I can't pretend that everything is normal. I mean it is, but I acted like a dick in the lasts days and for sure we'll have to talk about this. 'Oh god.' I take the pillow and I put it on my head trying to scream and die suffocated maybe. It doesn't work sadly. I decide to have a shower, at least to clear my head as possible. 

 

I hear them chatting, about some Liv's school stuff I think. Once they hear me going down the stairs they go silent. "Hi. Morning." - I say smiling, trying to break the ice. - "Have you two left me something to eat?" - The atmosphere is even more awkward than I thought. They are looking at me like I am a ghost and they don't know how to act. 

"Yeah, there is still plenty of coffe and here, there is the bread if you want a toast." Says Aaron before sitting by the table next to Liv. While I go to make myself breakfast I feel them staring at me like I'm some sort of selvatic animal. 

"Right, I'm off to school." - Says Liv abruptly. - "Aaron told me everything, so better you two sort this out, otherwise I want you out by the time I come back, because all this it's very unconfortable." 

I sit in front of Aaron, but eating is not so easy with him staring at me. "Aaron, please, would you stop?" 

"Doing what?" 

"You keep looking at me." 

"Yeah because I want to know what version of Robert woke up this morning." 

"One very sorry, that asks you forgiveness, and that wants to make things right this time." 

"Right. What happened? What did make change your mind?" 

"Nothing changed. You're right I needed to think and...I don't know..."

"Now have you suddendly cleared your mind?"

"I don't know, but I do know that isn't your fault and isn't completely mine either. You haven't done anything wrong. You were the only one besides Vic and Diane who stood by my side, throught all this. You hadn't to." 

"OK, and what changed since the other day?"

"I spent a lot of time on my own thinking. And I had a chat with few people." 

"Who?" 

"Alive?" 

"What are you talking about?" He asks confused.

"Chrissie, I talked to Chrissie." 

"Oh...ok..." 

"I called her, when Vic gave me her new number to meet her. We met in a park and talked few minutes. At the beginning she accused me of all sorts but then her words made me reflect. She gave me the consent to go to the cemetry. When I went there, I saw this grave all covered with flowers and inside me I knew." - I smile sadly at Aaron who seeing my reaction tries to touch me with his hand, but then maybe conscious of my last reaction to him rests it on the table. - "I stayed there basically all afternoon, only sat there with no idea to what to do, to what to say..." My voice starts trembling. 

"Robert, you don't have to tell me." 

"I know, but I need to." - I say smiling to him. - "So I felt really out of place, I didn't even brought her flowers." - At this he smiles back and shakes his head. - "I managed anyway to take few words out. I really was a mess but talking to them, crying, being alone elsewhere, thinking, it was helpful. I guess you were right."

"I think it's too soon for say it." 

"Yeah maybe it is." I say smiling to him, playing with the cup between my hands. 

We spend few minutes exchanging glares between each other and taking sips of coffe. The first to break the awkward moment is Aaron. "Ehm...so what have you planned to do now?" 

"I didn't go that far, I only wanted to apologize with you and then I'll go to Vic too, but after that I really don't have any idea."

"Maybe you have only to wait and things will go back like they were, more or less." 

"Yeah, maybe you're right, work, pub, the usual." 

He grins at this "Yeah, the boring quotidianity. And what about the place to stay, do you want to go back at Vic's?" 

"Well, yeah, if you don't want me here...I just..."

"No, I want you here! Of course...I mean..." - He coughs embarassed. - "I just thought, the other day you said...so... Yeah stay! I'd like it ...if you want." He says smiling.

"Thank you." 

"Not a problem. Do you want another one?" He stands up giving me his back.

"No! Sit down please." - He does as I tell him. - "Listen...ehm...last night I was asking myself why keep sleeping one down here and one in the bedroom. I mean...it's a little bit weird now that I know the truth...but maybe it'd be weird sleeping together too. I mean I don't know... What are we now?" 

"Good question." He smiles while his cheeks turn pink. 

We exchanged an embarassed look before he continues. "Oh, that's awkward, I don't know, it can't simply happen." 

"Can't it?"

"No! Until yesterday you didn't know what you wanted, you hated me, and now you want to sleep together as if nothing had happened in these past months? We can't switch this on and off as we want. It won't work like this." 

"Why not? It was going well, I was feeling the same as before, if that fire wouldn't have triggered my memory back, you would have turned me back, up at the barn the other night?"

"No, I don't think so, I don't know..." 

"Don't you still feel something for me?" 

"Yeah, I do, of course I do, but during this time apart I understood that our main mistake was don't talk to each other. And...I don't think it's the right thing to do." 

"But why not? We can be together and talk to each other at the same time. If we want to stay together, if we love each others, after all we've been throught I think we deserve this. We have waited this moment for so long so why deny to our selves a bit of happiness?"

"Robert, listen, you're right but I think we need a little bit of time. You have just had few thought days. You said everything is sorted now but you don't know that for sure." - When he sees that I'm about to stand up and walk away he stops me. - "Listen, I'm not saying no, just that we need to take the right time, go slowly." 

"Can we go slowly? I think you are confusing us with another couple. Once ours lips were linked we barely were able to enter in the bedroom." 

Aaron smiles and looks to the floor probably thinking at our passionate past. "For this reason I think that ours lips shouldn't be linked." 

"What?" I don't understand if that's a weird way of rejecting me or he is really meaning it.

"I think we should continue to stay friends, like we did in these lasts months. We were doing ok, we were happy, we were having a lot of fun. We continue this way and give time at the time."

"I don't understand you. I risked my life few months ago, it could be completely different now. I could have died. We have another chance and you want to wait?!" I say loudly.

"I only think that we need the things to stabilize a bit. Have you seen yourself? You are nervous and you have this anger inside, I don't think it would be healty for us..."

"Sorry, I... didn't mean.. " 

"Robert, it's fine, you need...we need only a little bit of time more." He says with his hand on mine, I look up at his blue eyes staring right throught me, his perfect lips and I can't avoid to smile. 

"Aaron Dingle I can try, we both know that but I don't know if I can resist a lot if you keep looking at me like that." 

Aaron's face becomes a dark shade of crimson and takes his hand away. "Sorry." 

"Oh, don't apologize, besides we know I'm irresistible."

"Shut up."

"No, you know what, your idea isn't that bad and we'll see if you can resist me or if you'll have to give up first. You say that it's easy being friends but maybe it was until now that I wasn't remembering anything. But it's about to change and you'll give it up before you know. Besides we both know you never were able to resist me long." I say moving towards him and leaning down to have my face in front of his.

"Oh look at you, you have changed idea quickly."

I come really close to him, making him feel my hot breath on his skin but nothing more "I haven't, I only like a challenge, and if you want to do this slowly, I'm up for it. It could be really funny." I say scanning him very closely. After few seconds I walk away towards the door.

I hear Aaron clearing his voice before speaking again. "You have completely misunderstood the purpose of it! And where are you going now?" 

"Finding Vic. Hoping she forgives me immediately and I don't have to go throught all the friendship thing, before becoming his brother again." I say joking.

"Robert, why do you have to be like this? It wasn't something against you..."

"Don't worry. It's fine." - I say turning back to him and smiling. - "See you later." I say winking at him.


	32. Chapter 32

22 January 2018

It's been two weeks since Robert got his memory back and nothing could be more normal. I thought that after his declaration he would spend days being flirty with me in order to end up in bed together again or something, but nothing happened yet. 

I spent the first days being wary, expecting something from him, but he acted like we were only friends, as I told him to be. 

After what I said to him, I shouldn't have been disappointed but I was. When he told me about his plann for me to give up before him, I felt a thrill down my back, imagining all sorts of things he might have in mind for me. 

I'm not sad or anything, the opposite actually, I'm very happy, but I guess Rob was right. Now the situation is changed. I don't have to hide my feelings anymore. I can look at him without the fear to being caught, I can talk more freely.

I don't know if it is what is happening or it's all in my mind. I think he's ignoring me, like he is not feeling anything to me anymore.

The other day, after I had a shower, with only a towel around my lower part, I went downstairs asking him something, he answered but he didn't look at me once, he seemed completely disinteressed.

When I said to be friends I didn't mean forever, now I'm starting to think that if I won't do something to change the situation it'll be going this way. 

But whatever I do it'll be looking like I want to be back with him. And not that it's what I don't want but I'd go against what I said. This is a mess, I could tell him and go against my pride and maybe it could not work like I thought, but otherwise I could seriously loose him. 

The truth is that the other day when he told me, he caught me off guard but I want him too. I'm seriously confused. 

Maybe I just have to ask him out and let it happen. How much it could be difficult? 

I go downstairs but it's already desert. It must be at work. Oh God maybe it'd better wait another day. 

We didn't have a lot of dates, but the few we had, or finished in an awful way, or they were pretty simple, and I'm worried it could be repetitive and he could be disappointed. 

I'm lying on the couch thinking about some good place but the time goes on and I still have no idea of what to do. 

It's noon and I'm still here. What a waste of time, well I can say that I'm good in something. 

I decide to go to the pub and ask my mum. I don't have idea why. She could be the worst person to give this kind of advice. 

 

"Hey, love what are you doing here?"  
Asks my mum, once that she sees me.

"Having a pint if I can?"

"Yeah of course, sorry did I do something wrong? I only thought that you'd have been at work right now." 

"No, it's not your fault." 

"So whose is it?" 

"No one." 

"Robert then?"

"No it's not him...yeah he's a part of it maybe."

"You always have been very explicit on these kind of things, you know that?" 

"Ahah yeah very funny."

"Come on, tell me, I can't help you if I don't know what this is about." 

"You don't want to help me anyway, you hate Robert." 

"I don't hate him. Yeah maybe I did hated him but now he's not that bad." 

"Yeah very believeable." 

"Why did you come here if you needed to talk about him? You know inside you that I could help you." 

"Ok...ehm, as you know he got his memory back and since then I feel...I don't know, confused maybe."

"But it's not a good thing?" 

"Yes it is, it should, but right now I wish he hadn't."

"Go on." She says seeing that I stopped talking. 

 

"For my birthday he organized a surprise where he wanted to show his feelings for me. I didn't tell him anything about our past but someway those feelings came back on the surface. That night he kissed me and since that moment he remembers everything. At the beginning he was really angry and confused, most of all about the accident, Rebecca, the baby, the reason why we didn't tell anything to him. But after a couple of days it seemed he had sorted everything out, at least apparently. But abruptly a day asked me to go back where we were before all this happened, but in that moment I didn't feel like it was the right choice to do so....I rejected him and told him to stay friends. He did as I told him for these pasts weeks but...." 

"You want something more." 

"Yeah, but I'm scared to make the same mistakes as in the past." 

"But you still love him."

"What? No!" Why she saw throught me so quickly? 

She gives me that look and I know that I can't hide anything with her. "Maybe. Oh I don't know what to do. I don't know if it's the right choice go back with him."

"And you have these doubts, because you haven't overcome the cheating or for something else?" 

"Because maybe he was right and I didn't really forgive him for what he has done, only now the problem is gone and everything is easier." 

"So you are blaming yourself? Please love don't hurt yourself."

"No, I'm not. I'm happy right now. I'm living with him and Liv anyway. It's only that I don't know what to do." 

"I think you have already decided what to do."

"Did I?"

"Why are you here Aaron?"

"I don't know how change this situation of friendship between us. I can't go to him and say 'Oh do you want to be with me again?'" My mum smiles at that. 

"Wow after years, my son decides to ask me some love tips."

"I'm not, I only needed to talk and a pint."

"Yes sure, how much time you two spend together alone?" 

"What?"

"Yes, since you told him to be friends, how much you two spent together?"

"Well, not much, when we are at home together usually we do two different things and at night we watch the television with Liv." 

"Why? I thought you wanted to be with him."

"I did...I do, but now since we talked, I can feel some sort of embarassment between us, I don't know what to do, what to say....and he works a lot, he is always in front of the PC, I don't want to annoy him...and maybe he doesn't find me attractive anymore, I mean the other day..."

"Aaron, stop it! What are you talking about? You two just have to spend a little more time together. When you two lived here you used to spend hours in front of the tv, even without watching it but just for be together. You need to be confortable with each other again and then it'll happen and you won't even know how. Trust me." 

I don't seem very convinced at her eyes I think. " Aaron, you can't keep going like this, or you try to go back with him or you don't, but like this, you are only hurting yourself."

"But I don't want to hurt him thought."

"You won't. He was him that wanted to get back with you. Remember? Think about it love." 

 

I don't go to work and I spend most of the day at the pub at the end, thinking. Once I come home, I find Robert in front of the PC at the kitchen table. I know Liv is out, so we could have something together. Maybe cooking something or order a take away. "Hi!" I say.

"Oh, hi Aaron, why didn't you come at work today?" He asks me without stopping whatever he's doing.

"I didn't feel like it."

"Like most of the days." I try to not snap at his attempt to try to be funny.

I go in the kitchen and I start to pick all the stuff I need to make some pasta with a good sauce maybe. "What are you doing?" 

"What it looks like? I'm cooking." 

"Why?"

"Ehm...because, Liv is out tonight, and I thought to do something nice for us." 

"Ehm Aaron I'm not really hungry right now, and I really need to finish here." 

"You've been at work all day and now you are working again. What's so important?"

"Nothing it's a new client."

"It's not the first time. In the lasts weeks you are always in front of that computer." 

"Yeah, since I don't have anything better to do with my life, I took more work, at least I do something useful and I don't stay all day at the pub. And anyway why I need to tell you?"

"Yeah sorry to have bothered you. Do what you want. I'm gonna eat this upstairs." I say taking with me a pack of crisps.

Who he thinks he is? He is so arrogant, sometimes I ask myself why I find him so attractive.  
It seems to be back when we were having the affair, the same smugness. Maybe he thinks that I fell for him while he was acting like an idiot once and it could happen again. Or maybe I'm simply reading too much into it and he's only stressed because he didn't have sex for months. When sometimes happened in the past he reacted in the same way. I smile at myself at the thought.  
In the next days I'm gonna try to be near him more often and I won't let him push me away. If I don't make a move I know I'll let the time pass and I can't allow it. In less than a month will be Valentine's Day and for that day we'll be together.


	33. Chapter 33

4 February 2018

In the last days we grew closer and closer and like my mum told me now it's easier spend some time together. There isn't anymore that awkward feeling between us. 

We haven't done anything special. We only started a routine. Every night after dinner we go upstairs in 'our' bedroom and watch some tv shows, sprawled on the bed, leaving the sofà and the bigger tv downstairs only for Liv, who is more than happy about it.  
We managed to finish a whole show in a little more than a week. Three seasons. It's not exactly my favorite activity but I know that Rob loves it. I even managed to make him not work at home. And he said that once he finishes the last job he won't pick any in addiction. 

 

He made dinner tonight, and I think me and Liv missed him cooking a lot, most of all Liv, she couldn't stop saying how good it was the sauce, that the amount of spice was perfect, the right quantity of salt, a real pleasure for the mouth. She was really happy and Robert was so proud of himself. I didn't say a word instead, he is enough arrogant as he is but I was pleased to taste his food again.

My mum was right though. We didn't need much effort to find again this armony between us. And once put aside this akwardness between me and him, basically was only mine, we are having fun again. I hope that now something will click between us and it'll be the first step to be together again.

 

We are in the bedroom and we have to decide what to watch. We finished the last TV show yesterday. 

"What about watching some television tonight? There could be some movie on." I suggest.

"Go on, check it out, but I'm not this confident and besides it's a bit late, I think everything it's already started and I don't like to watch something without have seen the begin." Says Robert sitting on his side of the bed. 

After I went throught almost all the channels, Robert, seen that there isn't actually anything worth watching, goes and takes a box set from his infinite pile. "Here you go. Put this one on." 

"Prison Break. You want to gave me some tips for the next time." I say jokingly. 

"There won't be a next time." He says sure and I decide to drop the subject straight away.

"You know we could always do something else."

"Like what? Come on, trust me, you gonna like this. I presume you haven't watch it, like all the ones I've proposed you since I've met you. And I'll find one you are gonna like it, it's a promise."

"I don't think so. I'm a very difficult person." I say smiling at him. 

"You know one of the main characters is gay in the real life."

"So? I'll never meet him and why I should care anyway?" 

"Ok well...they are good looking too." 

"Yeah let me to judge that." - I say smiling and sitting back in the bed. - "Here we go." 

 

Maybe he's right, they are not so bad but my type is here by my side right now. 

Robert from a sitting position, is minute after minute gone more down, now is almost lying completely. "Are you ok? Do you want to go to sleep?" I ask him after the first episode.

"No, no I'm ok, go on, start the next one."

"Fine."

"So what do you think until now?" 

"Not bad. Quite interessting it seems." 

"Good to know." He smiles and he sets back on the pillow.

 

"Yeah I could enjoy watching this." I say once it's finished the second episode.

Earing no answer, I turn towards Robert. He's sprawled between the pillows and he's lightly snoring by my side. 

 

I spend few minutes studying his face with the tranquillity to not been caught. He's like an angel. That blonde hair all sprawled against the bed. That relaxed eyebrows. That smooth and pale skin all covered by infinite freckles. I start to count them like I did a milion times before, all different from each other. Those pink and slightly parted lips. It doesn't seem, but at this proximity he's even more perfect.

I lightly put my fingers on his face and I trace the lines of his chin, of his neck, of his ear, of his nose...

I place my fore finger on his mouth and I go back and forward, back and forward few times. Those perfect lips.

I didn't even notice but I went closer and now I really could kiss him if I'd want to, but the fact is I want to.

So I push forward and I lightly place my lips on his, trying to be careful and not waking him up.

I open my eyes and I look at him still peacefully sleeping. I don't even know what I'm doing or what I hope to gain from this. But I place my hand on his face and I do it again, this time putting a bit of pressure in it.

It feels weird that he doesn't notice anything, his breath it's still the same, regular and lazy. He must have been really tired. And instead of letting him sleep I'm here not thinking at the conseguences of this gesture.

But this is like some kind of drug. And I have needed this for so long, I can't stop myself, I want it more. I know he doesn't respond but only the feeling of his lips on mine is something that brings back so many memories.

I part again, not before leaving another kiss on his lips and on the top of his nose. "Aaron." He whispers abruptly. I literally freeze on the spot. He starts stretching and I stay completely still, hoping he doesn't open his eyes.

He courls slightly in himself, and then I feel his hand around my shoulder.

I close my eyes waiting for his reaction but nothing comes.

I look at him and I see he's muttering something in his sleep. A small smile appears on his lips and I can't avoid to smile too.

It seems he took a decision for both of us. With the weight of his arm on me and the scare of waking him up I can't do anything except put my head on his chest and wait for him to move. 

I can feel his chest rise in rhytm with is breath, his heart beating steadily like I remembered, and I finally try to relax my muscles and myself on him. 

I notice for the first time that I'm in a pool of sweat and I don't think it's caused by the heating. It's hard now settling down between the heat, the fact that I'm lying on Robert, and the fact that this position is giving me cramps but I can't move without waking him up. 

After I don't know how long I manage, listening his breath, to close my eyes and relax my limbs. 

Sleeping is more difficult instead, I'm not this tired and the situation isn't helping. I hear Robert still murmuring something in my hair so I place an arm across his stomach and I start caressing him. Lightly back and forward. This seems calming him a bit and me too, it seems, because I finally fall aspleep. 

 

I feel moving by my side but in the middle of the sleep I don't understand what is happening.

After few moments I manage to open my eyes.

Robert woke and now is trying to get free from me. In the sleep I have basically put myself on top of him and I hugged him. 

I move to let him free himself. He sits on the bed, I settle on my side and then I start again dozing off.

I feel the weight of my eyes, about to close but I force them to stay open and I look at him. He looks back at me then he stands up.

He comes close to my face and he places a light kiss on my cheek.

"Sleep well Aaron." He says before leaving the room while I go in the dream's world again.


	34. Chapter 34

14 February 2018

At 7:00 the alarm thinks that is a good idea waking me up. I groan in disappoint. Working is the last thing that I would like to do today. I take my phone from the bedside table and I spend few minutes on internet. Facebook remembers me that today is Valentine's Day, in case I didn't know already.

After that night nothing else happened between me and Robert. The morning after he didn't say anything. I think he didn't remember much, only he apologized because he fell asleep and he said that it wouldn't happen again and he kept the promise.

I don't know why I let all this time pass. I was kind of embarassed for what I did that night althought I think he didn't notice anything. But that stopped me a little bit. 

And now is The day, we should be together now and instead I have no idea where we stand. 

Anyway I made a promise that day to myself and by the end of the day we'll be together, or well...I'll try something at least.

I could do something nice and cook for him but it's basically what we did for the last few weeks. Stay home and spend a cosy night together. No tonight has to be different. He needs to notice that it's important. I have to make an effort. 

I know this restaraunt in town, Italian I think, he told me about it ages ago, when they had just opened. It's not my kind of things but I love Italian cooking too so I'll survive. 

 

When I call them for the reservation they don't seem very happy. It's Valentine's Day and maybe they'd have liked more notice, but luckily they have room for two. 

One's down. Now I have to text Liv and ask if she can stay at Gabby's. I want the house for us just in case...or I could book an hotel. I don't know but it's better if she isn't here anyway, so I ask her and she's more than happy to accept. 

I think I'm gonna wear something smart today, nothing too sophisticated though. This black shirt could do, I think, looking throught my wardrobe, where it's the only one besides a white one. 

While I'm trying to calm myself and maybe come up with some sort of plann for the evening I remember that I didn't even ask Robert if he could go out tonight. What a fool, books a restaraunt without didn't even knowing if his date would come?

"Hi, Robert. It's me Aaron." I say once he picks up.

"Yeah I have your number, I know who you are." He answers sarcastically.

"Yeah right, sorry. Ehm...I was wondering if you are free tonight?" 

"Well actually no, I've a kind of a date, why?" 

"A date? Right, ok...no problem..."

"Aaron, why? Did you plann something?"

"I only thought we could go out for dinner, but if you are busy I'll cancell, no worries."

"Hey, no, wait wait, I can cancel, seriously, nothing important." 

"As you prefer..."

"Tell me time and place and we meet there, ok?" 

"I thought I'd come and pick you up..."

"Ok, fine, I can't wait." He says and I know he's smiling.

"Well, then see you later." 

 

I didn't go or come near this restaraunt ever before, so when we are there I find myself even more unconfortable that I thought I would have been. It's really huge and super classy.

"Aaron are you ok? Should we go inside?" Robert asks, once he sees I stopped by the door.

"Yes, yes, sure. Sorry I thought...I didn't think..." I blab incoherently.

"You never came here before right?"

"No actually not, it's just that I remembered that time you told me about this place, so I thought to make you a surprise. It's seems a very good restaurant, I can understand why it became so good so fast. I hope the food is good too."

"Well, the only time I came here was very good but at the time it was just opened. Let's hope it improoved and not got worse. Sometimes happens the opposite." 

 

"Good evening." - Tells us a waiter. - "I presume you've booked, name?"

"Dingle." I say.

"This way please." And goes to the end of the room, a huge room. And for the first time I really understand how big was my mistake to go out this night of all the possible days. Everyone could tell what day is today, heart shaped ballons, red table cloth and napkins, all the tables are for two and once we are at our I notice a candle in the middle of it. What I was expecting? I'd have said the waiter to not light it but I lost the moment. Just because I didn't want to make this evening awkward, well done Aaron.

We sit and the waiter gives us the menus. We exchange an awkward look and then I mubble out something about the candle, "We can blow it out if you want to." As if the problem was the candle.

"No it's fine by me." He answers with that smile, the one I don't know if he's taking the mick at me or he's flirting. 

I then pretend to be busy looking at the menu, when I'm only hiding the blush rising at my cheeks. 

After a deep breath I focus on the plates of the menu and yes I can say that they are really really tempting, and my mouth is watering already. But I don't know if luckily or not my eyes fall on the right column, the prices' one, and it's not exactly what I expected. Actually the whole restaurant wasn't what I expected. For a place opened few years back I didn't think it would be this fancy and popular. 

I find a plate I like but really the price is something that my pockets can't allow. "Sure Sir." I hear by my side. It's the waiter. 

"Sorry?" I ask.

"I took a bottle of white, I'll have fish food, what do you want?" He asks me Robert.

"Yes white it's fine."

The waiter nods and tap it on his iPad. "Ok, a bottle of white? Then as starter?" 

"I'll go straight with the main course." - Says Robert. - " Aaron?"

"Mmh yeah me too." 

"Well, then I'll have linguine with clam sauce." 

"Great choice Sir." The waiter says. I look at the price for the plate Robert ordered. No wonder it was a good choice. For them maybe.

"Yeah I know, it's your speciality or at least that's what I've been said." 

"Yeah it is, but I think we are most of all known for the-"

"The seafood." Anticipates him Robert.

"Exactly, it's what you'd like to order after?" 

"Yes I think so." He says smiling at the waiter, as always very sure of himself.

"And for you Sir?" Asks me the waiter.

"Ehm..." - I look for the less expensive plate. - "A salad."

"A salad. Ok. Something else?" 

"No, no, it's good." 

"Thank you for your ordinations."

"Are you okay?" Robert asks me once the waiter is gone. 

"Yeah, yeah sure, why?"

"A salad? Who are you kidding?"

"It's just I'm not very hungry."

"When you aren't hungry you eat anyway more than me, are you sure you are ok?"

"I don't know, I may have something at the stomach, some stomach bug, I don't know..."

"Listen, Aaron if you don't feel well we can go home, there is no pressure." 

"No, it's nothing big, I only have the stomach close, but I'm fine. And I think you are enjoying yourself .." - I say smiling. - " Seeing all you have ordered."

"Oh you have no idea, those are the best plates of this restaraunt, really good, if you feel better you'll have to taste it." 

"Yeah maybe." I say with a little smile. 

 

At least Robert appreciates his ordinations, he can't stop complimenting for the amazing food. I try to make last my salad more time possible, but I'm pretty much in silence during all the meal, while Robert tells me about all his past travells, and the different plates he tried around the world, so of course I finish before him. 

The waiter comes at our table and asks me if I want something else and I am lightly embarassed when I say no.

"Actually it would be great if you could bring us an empty plate?" Asks him Robert.

"You might don't be hungry but you won't get out from here until you have at least had something from here." - He says pointing at the seafood plate the waiter just left him. - "I'm ready to hold you a bucket if you'll feel sick too."

For sure here the cooking is good otherwise it wouldn't be a restaurant so sophisticated. Never was that my problem but the price itself. Since we are not together anymore it seems weird but I have to pay for the most of the ordinary things on my own now. In the past he paid most of the stuff, most of all the expensive ones and I gave that for granted at the time, but now I can't throw off money like that.

Once the waiter brings us the bill, but not before a creme brulé for Robert, I think to have fed an army not one person, I must do a weird face because Robert asks me if I want him to pay since he ate basically alone. But I won't do that. I only hope that this expense is worth it. At least he seems to have had fun. He had a great dinner and he didn't stop a second from talking. He told me about his past, few times with Chrissie and before, even about his childhood. And I always loved ear him talking, his voice calms me, and if he is happy even more.

 

Once outside the fresh air starts to cool my mind that is about to explode. I lean on the wall of the building by the restaurant door, looking the people pass by and I feel Robert lean by my side.

"So how did it go? Did you eat well? You had a great night?" I ask and I turn towards him who his facing me looking right back at me, with those green eyes. Oh I know so well those eyes, were the ones of pure love, when he looked at me like that I was dead at his feet.

"Yeah, I did. How could not? It's one of the best restaurants around here and besides....I was with you." He says moving closer, his eyes travelling between my eyes and my lips. 

"So you didn't regret not going to your date?"

"No." He says not taking his eyes off me.

"Who it was with?" I ask unable to look away.

He doesn't respond straight away, he only looks at me, with still that hint of smile. I'm paralised, lost in his eyes, in the freckles across his nose that he doesn't know how much I love them. I let my gaze slip lower to his pink lips, slightly parted. I see them getting closer and closer. "I don't think you really care right now, Aaron, don't you?" 

As he leans in, I try to calm my racing heart but it is pointless. I'm about to say something to him but he doesn't allow me to, when his lips finally meet mines. It is so sweet, so slow, so gentle, that I'm not even sure it's really happened, since after a second he parts again but the disappointment doesn't last long. 

I feel one hand gripping my hip and bringing my body towards his and the other around my neck, while his thumb, like it used to be, caresses my cheek and I don't even have the time to take a breath that I feel again him kissing me, but this time it's deeper. He pushes me close with his hand until we are pressed one against the other. My hands go automatically to his biceps pulling him harder against me so there is no air left between our bodies.

I can taste the sweetness of the creme brulé, he wanted so badly, on his soft lips. 

My hands go up until I'm gripping his hair. Robert pushes me back against the wall, blocking me there. I missed this so much. I need him. I want him. I never wanted anyone like this before. All this time apart, the last months waiting developed some desire in me and I think in Robert too. I can feel him, all of him pressed against me.

Saddly my body decide to react at the wrong time when my stomach gurgles. I feel my cheeks grow warm and red when Robert parts from my lips, still staying close though and with the same smile as before he whispers on my lips. "I thought you weren't hungry".

I think that if I was red after the noise of my stomach, now he figured everything out, I could be exchanged for a tomato and his hand on my cheek caressing it or his body still pushed against mine isn't for sure helping. "I...I feel better now."

"Do you?"

"Mmm mmm." I feel instantly my mouth going dry.

"Aaron why do you invited me in this restaurant?"

"I told you, I just..." 

"Yeah, I know, but you didn't have to. I don't care about where you take me out, ok? And you should have known that by now." 

"Sorry...I..." 

Robert puts a finger on my lips and still plastered on me, whispers in my hear. "Stop talking, I want to bring you home straight away."

"Now?" - And I see the worry in Robert's face. - "It's just, I need to eat something first." A smile shines on his face, on his eyes and still doesn't let me go. 

"Ok, but let me pay this. I saw a man, while we were coming here, selling all the unhealthy stuff you like." - I feel his hand still caressing my neck, not that I'm complaining but he is making all this even harder. - "Come on." He says finally giving me space for breathing.

 

We are sit on a bench with me eating and him looking at me very deeply for all the time. I think I never ate so fast in my whole life. His eyes and, his mouth even more, will be the death of me tonight.

I finish and I throw the garbage in the bin. "Now I'm ready to go." I say this time eating him with my eyes. Since we went out from that restaurant we haven't stopped flirting for a second.

 

"So, if you understood everything before and you have already planned something for tonight why you let me make an idiot of myself?" I ask in the way to the car.

When I don't hear any answer I turn back, and I see Robert stopped few meters behind.

I go back to him and I see what he is looking at. There are a man, big and apparently very strong, one who you wouldn't want to be against and a young woman, very beautiful, that are fighting not far from where we are. She seems to want to go away or to do something that he doesn't want her to do. I'm almost scared Robert would want to defend her, and I don't think it's a good idea seeing the dimensions of that man. Luckily once he grabbed her, holding her shoulders, and saying something to her all seems over. He puts an arm around her shoulders and they go away.

"Robert? Are you ok?" I ask touching his shoulder.

"Mmm mmm. Yeah..."

"Did you know them?" 

"No, I don't think so..."

"Relax." - I say, trying to distract him." - It was only a couple arguing, we used to argue a lot too and it was even worse than that."

"Yeah, I know...but it's different...and did you see that?" 

"What?"

"The tattoo she had?"

"No, why, what's wrong with that?"

"She had a swan behind her ear, didn't you see it?"

"No, why? It's nothing weird, there is a lot of people with tatoos, and I can assure you a swan isn't the weirdest one."

"Yeah, I know...It's just..." 

"Hey Robert." - I say in a way that he has to look at me. - "Whatever it is you can talk to me, you know that right?"

"Don't worry, everything is ok. It's just I thought to have seen that tatoo before and I don't know, I thought that in some way it could have been meaningful... Sorry."

"Oh no, it's alright." 

"No it's not. You were taking me home if I remember rightly." He says smiling at me and walking towards the car, leaving me few feet behind.

 

Despite his clear intensions and both knowing where this night is going to end, I keep feeling something holding me back. I wouldn't want to screw everything up, scare him off, despite the only one scared it might be me. So once at home I try to playing it cool, like nothing had happened. "Do you want anything to drink?" - I ask him. I look at him and he has that flipping smile that I want so bad to take off him. - "Anything at all?"

"Oh, yes, there is something I want." 

"What? We don't have a lot, the fridge is almost empthy...."

"It's not in the fridge," - He says coming closer to me. - "and it's very hot." I didn't notice but I'm with my back against the table and he is, like he was few hours ago, right in front of me, without leaving me any air to breath.

"Yeah, and you had something in mind?" 

"You have no idea." He says before pushing his lips and himself against me.

"Enlighten me." I say once we part from each other.

"First of all I want you naked." And he kisses me hard again.

I can't avoid a moan escaping from somewhere inside me, which brings another smile on Robert's face. "Second..." - And goes to bite my ear lobe, knowing how that turns me on. - "If I remember rightly this house needs to be christened properly yet. Am I right?" Says whispering in my ear.

"Mmm mmm." I can't speak with him plastered against me and kissing hungry my neck, I know that he'll leave a mark but I don't care. I missed all this so bad. I remember our sexual life was amazing. How could have I forget that but living it is a completely different thing.

"Well, I know from where I would like to start." And I find myself lifted on the kitchen table.

I missed his kisses, the feeling of his hands under my shirt, on the skin. Feeling again a warm body against mine, that connection that seemed lost but it's right here, right now. I feel him breath in my neck, he really loves my neck. I place my hands between his soft hair and I push him closer. Then I feel him stopping, I open my eyes, that I didn't remember to have closed and I look back at him. I see only lust in his eyes, his lips are parted, ready to attack me again. I feel his hands going under my shirt and caressing every single inch of my skin. Then he goes up and with his thumbs he starts playing with my nipples. I can't move, I only watch those eyes that don't ever close and I keep staring back. When he twist my right nipple between his fingers, a "Rob" barely audible leaves my mouth.

"I think there are too much layers between us, don't you think?"

I nod again so he starts unbuttoning my shirt, every button a kiss. He is slowly going down my chest and I feel his warm lips against my skin, suddendly he stops himself and he looks in my eyes. 

"You are so beautiful Aaron." I hate and I love this comment at the same time. "I'm so lucky to have you back, you don't have idea." And then he puts his hands on my face and he kisses me, a simple kiss but so pure so deep so meaningful, he tries to put everything I mean to him in this, I know it, I can feel it. 

"No, I am the lucky one." I say once we part. I see the smile in his eyes and a little bit of emotion when he kisses me again, harder and more passionate this time then he pushes me back on the table. 

I'm so happy. I needed maybe more time, maybe we could have done this before but now it's trully perfect.

I ear the church's bells ringing midnight and I smile looking at the ceiling while Robert is opening my belt. I made it, we made it in time. And from now on it's only going to be better.


	35. Chapter 35

15 February 2018

_I hear a noise, people talking, I try to open my eyes but between the battering and the tiredness I'm a little bit woozy._

_Two men and a woman, or is it only a man? My vision is all blurring. My eyes keep closing, my head spinning._

_It's all dark but yeah I can recognize a man and a woman for sure. They are making a lot of noise but I can't understand what they are saying. They aren't english._

_I think they are fighting. Their voices are hurting my head. I try to stand up but I scream from pain only moving an arm. I must have something broken._

_They come to hands. I want to call help but nothing comes out from my mouth. I manage to stand up, leaning against the wall of the alley._

_I close my eyes, take deep breaths hoping that once I open them again I'd been able to move, to help the girl._

_He pushes her against the wall, they are fighting really hard, I manage to go to them, I grab his arm to stop him but I'm so weak and with a push from him I find myself crashing against the opposite wall._

_She is now screaming and despite being in the middle of the night, I reckon someone could hear her and I guess was the same thought of the man who takes from somewhere a knife and cuts her neck. I don't even understand what is just happened, it was all so fast. But suddendly it's all quiet, the man runs away and the girl collaps on the floor._

_I'm paralized, completely shocked but when I see a pond of blood around her I move instantly crawling to her body._

_I try to hold her head. I see that she is still conscious. I take off my shirt and I press it on the wound but it seems pointless, the cut is crossing all her neck until the base of the ear where she has a tatoo. It looks like a swan._

_She tries to say something. I see the scare in her eyes but in few seconds is all over and she is dead in my arms._

_I'm frozen for few minutes, but then I realize that I have to run away from here. I can't be here when they're going to find the body._

_I stand up leaning against the wall. Everything is aching. I take a deep breath and despite the pain I start running without having any idea of where to go._

_I run and run. I run for so long that I don't feel anymore pain. It's like being drugged. I'm completely disoriented. Then I fall. My heart is beating so fast, my head spins and at the end I pass out._

_"Robert, Robert."_

_I can't focus properly. It's the voice of a woman._

_She is touching my shoulder._

_"Robert? Hey, Robert, are you ok?"_

I abruptly wake up and notice it was all a dream."Robert?" It's Aaron, holding me. We are at the Mill, in our room, together. I look at him, and despite the darkness of the room I can see the worry in his face.

"Yeah...yes now I am." And I pull him closer so he lays his head on my chest.

"Nightmare?" He asks me.

"Yeah."

"You didn't have any recently. It's weird. Still about the crash?"

"No, it's not about the crash."

Aaron lift his head from my chest and looks at me. "So what it was about?"

"Something else."

"Well, do you want to talk about it?"

"No, not really."

"Ok, if you want, I'm here listening." He says with a little smile and he kisses my jaw.

"What time is it?" I ask.

"We have barely slept three hours, try to relax." And with his hand caressing my chest I manage to close my eyes again.

 

It's the cold that wakes me up. Aaron is not hugging me anymore and when I open my eyes I find the bed empty.

The door is closed, he left me here to sleep. I roll to his side of the bed and sniff his scent in his pillow. Oh I missed this so much.

I put my boxers and the pajama bottoms on and without even go to the bathroom I go downstairs with the only intention to bring him back to bed.

When I'm on the top of the stairs I can smell a good breakfast, I go down and I see him giving me his back while he's cooking something. My stomach likes this smell. But I like more the sight of him in a white t-shirt and grey sweat pants wrapping perfectly his arse.

I go behind him and I place my arms around his waist hugging him and I start kissing his neck. "Oh!" - He says surprised. - "Why are you here?"

"You left me alone in bed."

"Yeah, I was trying to make you breakfast."

I keep kissing him and I leave my hands wander under his shirt, with other intensions in mind.

When I let my right hand past the waistband of his bottoms, he grabs suddendly my arm and stops me. "Robert, what are you doing?"

"Is it not clear enough?" I say, biting his earlobe.

"Can't we do this after breakfast? I spent half an hour on this."

"Are you rejecting me? Already? It's not passed a day yet."

"No, it's not that... Robert.." I know he's about to give up.

"Come on Aaron then I promise we'll go back and we'll have breakfast."

"Like I don't know you or myself, if I come with you upstairs now we won't come out until lunch."

"So? What's the problem? Come on Aaron, I've missed you so much. I spent days thinking about these moments, when I would have had finally you all for myself and now I can't have you?"

"Ok, ok but then you'll make lunch."

"Whatever you want." I say planting a kiss on his cheek, before dragging him upstairs.

 

After different rounds like it was very predictable, we fall asleep again.

 

"Rob." - I hear Aaron whisper, placing a small kiss on my nose. - "Robert." - Another one on my cheek. - "Come on, wake up, you have to make lunch." - One on my lips and at that a small smile appears on my face. - "Ah so you are awake." - He says before placing another one on my chest.

"No, not yet." I answer sleepely.

"You know there is that lunch you have to make."

"It's too early."

"It's 1 p.m. Come on! We can't spend all day in bed."

"Can't we? Because that was exactly my plann."

"Come on Rob, I'm hungry! And take off those dirty thoughts from your mind because I'm not hungry of you right now." He says, trying to bring me out from the bed.

"No, come back here you." I say dragging him back on top of me, starting kissing him.

KNOCK KNOCK

"Is there someone in there? Can I come in?" It's Liv outside the door, we stop what we were about to do, we exchange a look and then Aaron says her to come in.

"Can I look? It's safe?" She says with an hand on her eyes.

"Yes you can." I answer.

Once she ears my voice she takes off her hand from her eyes and realize that me and Aaron are in bed together. A bright smile appears to her lips, and for a minute is all quiet then she jumps on the bed between the two of us and gives us a big hug.

"Oh I can't believe it, you two are really back together?"

"What do you think?" Says Aaron.

"Oh finally. I couldn't bear those looks anymore."

"What looks?" He asks.

"Are you kidding? You two are so evident." - She says smiling and looking between me and him. - "Oh I'm so so happy. So...how it happened?"

"You don't wanna know." He says.

"Yes, I do. After all I had to go throught, I need to know."

"And what did you have to go throught? Mmh?" He says, starting tickling her, and I have to smile at that sight.

"Stop it, stop it! Or I'll tell Robert to start with you and we'll see how it'll go."

Aaron stops and looks at me, noticing I've watched them all the time without saying a word. The smile fades from his face and he looks back at me with the same intensity.

"Awww look at you! That's disgusting! Stop those looks and make me room that I want to watch something on the tv on this big bed for once." She says, pulling up the sheets to lay between us.

"NOOO!" - We both shout. - "No."

"What?" - She asks, then she realizes after looking at us. - "You two are naked, aren't you?"

No words are needed. "What were you two about to do before I came here? Oh, doesn't matter, I don't wanna know, don't tell me. You have ruined the moment here, you know that?"

"Actually Robert was about to go downstairs and make me lunch."

"No I wasn't, I had totally something else in mind." I answer mischievously.

"You promised."

"Ok, ok I already regret being happy for you two. You do...whatever you want, in silence possibly and I'm gonna make lunch. But if you won't be sit at the table in half an hour, I'm going to eat on my own. And only for this time, got it?"

"Yes Sir". I say to her and I get a pillow thrown at my face as answer.

Once she left the room, I look at Aaron who is smiling and shakes his head. "I missed this, I missed you." I say to him, and with the honesty in his eyes I place my hands around his face and I kiss him making him lay down on the bed again. 


	36. Chapter 36

12 March 2018

It's almost passed a month since me and Aaron get back together and nothing could be more perfect right now. We are probably in our honey moon period but everything it's good, maybe too good for our standards.

And with this atmosphere between us even Liv seems finally settled down. I don't know if it'll last or how long but until then I want to appreciate everything. Everything we didn't do before.

For sure the work doesn't allow us to travel around the world but we are trying to not waste any moment. If it's boring it's not needed.

The only thing that has been affected by our reunion I think it's in fact the work. Until Aaron is working outside with Adam everything it's fine. The problem is when Adam leaves and Aaron comes inside to do some paperwork. 

We spend minutes exchanging looks, whitout neither of us able to do anything, until I can't bear it anymore and I go to his desk, I push him on it and take off his belt in no time. 

After few days going in the same way we skipped the first bit and we went directly to the point. 

At home it's not different, saddly we aren't really free with the possibility of Liv barging in every moment but we managed to have sex in the kitchen or on the couch different times already. Aaron wasn't too keen at first but the possibility of being caught turned him on even more so it wasn't too bad. 

Despite everything we made few embarassing figures. The worst one, at least for Aaron, I don't think he really recovered from that, was one night where we were having sex in our room like every night, but usually we are always very carefull that Liv is asleep or anyway to not make much noise. Most of all Aaron, he is always scared to be heard so he restrains himself. Even in a hotel room I can't hear him, but that night we tried something different and he couldn't help himself. I never saw him like this. It was really amazing. All of it. And Aaron obviously enjoyed that too. Until the day later.

I had a meeting so I didn't see him until dinner. Once he saw me he became crimson but it didn't seem much weirder that usually. Not until Liv came home. For the whole time he tried to avoid her gaze while she seemed very proud of herself. 

Once she left I asked him what happened and reluctantely Aaron told me. 

Liv left for him a recorder in the bathroom with a note attached to it.

'If it'll happen again the whole village will hear it.'

"And what was on the recorder?" I asked.

"Us, yesterday night."

"You have to be a little bit more specific than this." 

"She recoreded us."

"You mean..."

"Yeah I mean that. She recorded us, yesterday, while we had sex and you can hear everything, and I mean everything."

I smiled at that, I found it amusing but that got Aaron even angrier. "What are you laughing at? It's not funny." 

"Do you still have it?" I asked him.

"Why?" 

"I want to keep it and make good use of it." 

"Fuck off." - He answered me angrily. - "Why didn't you tell me I was making so much noise?"

"Because I've loved every second of it. I enjoy seeing you moan and scream my name."

"You know how embarassing this is? How can I watch Liv in the eyes ever again? She had to hear us for the whole time. And it lasted a lot." 

"Oh I know. At least now she knows how much you enjoyed yourself last night." 

"Why didn't you stop me?" He asked me.

"Doing those incredibles sounds? Because I love seeing you like this." I said again.

"Please can we forget about it?" He asked me after few seconds.

"I don't think to be the person who have to ask this".

I don't think she forgave him yet. 

 

But the best things are the little touches we exchange each other when we are in public and no one can see us, or we hope it's that way. It became a routine. Every morning when we are making breakfast, hands around his hips, kiss his temple, I'm always close to him but not too much, enough to place an hand here or there when I'm near him. 

Or when we are at the pub, there is always my hand on his knee, or upper, under the table. Or when we stand close a hand on the small of his back.

And all this became normal for us, and it's actually something that we are living together for the first time .We are all in a better place, most of all Aaron and all seems good apparently but there is still something bothering me. Since I saw that girl, I cannot forget about her.

It's not my business but it seems I can't get over it. I need to know more. 

I need to know who she is and if she knew that girl in London all these years ago.

It seems a stupid way but I decide to put around some leaflets. I ask a friend to make me a identikit and then I write under 'particular signs' a swan tatoo. 

I'm about to print it when Aaron enters in the cabin. 

"Ehy are you still here?" He asks me.

"Yeah I had to finish something first."

"Ok, well, I thought to have lunch in the pub if you are up for it."

"No, ehm actually I think I'll skip it today."

"It's all good?" He asks me sitting on my desk, near the laptop, where I have open the page with the pdf ready to print.

"Yeah, yeah, only busy." - I say moving my laptop to the side. - "We can have dinner instead." 

"Fine." - He says leaning towards me and giving me a lingering kiss on my lips. - "But how busy you are?" He says placing another kiss on my neck.

"Aaron." I whisper not so sure to want to let him go.

"Yeah?"

"I have to work." I say out of breath when he gives me a little bite on my neck. 

"Well I thought to give you a little reward for the work you've already done." He says starting to unbutton my shirt.

Usually we would end up everywhere in the cabin, on the desk, the floor, up against the wall but today I really can't. "No Aaron I'm serious." I say taking his wrists.

"Ok, fine." He says after looking in my eyes and seeing I really mean it. 

"I'm sorry."

"Don't worry, it's work. I get it." He says.

"Tonight I'll make it up to you. I promise."

"You better. Otherwise you'll sleep on the couch." He says smiling this time.

I'm a little sad to have rejected him but I have to do this otherwise I can't put my mind to rest. 

 

I spend most of the day in town putting up flyers anywhere. Then I decide to put the remaining around the village, maybe few outside and a couple in the Woolpack and in the cafè. 

I go and ask Bob if I can put one on the bulletin board and obviously he can't say simply yes and he have to ask hundred of questions.

"Who is she?"

"I don't know. I have to find her to ask her that."

"So you want me to put on a photo of someone who could be a killer or a drug dealer-"

"Can you do it or not!?"

"Let me have a look." He says picking the piece of paper from my hands.

"There isn't even your name on here."

"Wouldn't be important anyway."

"Ok, ok." - He says after looking at me. - "But don't you think leaflets is a bit old fashion?"

"What do you mean?" 

"Did you make some internet advertisment? I think if there'll be some chance to find this girl you have more possibilities on social media these days." 

"No, I didn't think about it." - I say thoughtful. Actually isn't a bad idea. - "Thanks Bob."

 

I go home and I start working straight away. Luckily I am alone and I can work whitout distractions.

 

I only realize that I lost track of the time once I hear a call from Aaron.

'Rob where are you?'

'Sorry I'm late. Five minutes and I'm there.'

'You could have told me, you are an hour late, I even called at the scrapyard and you didn't answered.'

'I'm home. Sorry I lost track of the time. I'm coming. See you in a bit.' I didn't realize that doing this kind of things would have stolen me so much time, but at least I finished everything.

 

"Hey." I say once I spot Aaron sat in a booth giving me his back.

"Finally, it's all cold by now, I ordered for you, thinking to do you a favour but it's been ages."

"Sorry I'll ask Vic to heat it up." 

"You're lucky that I'm still here waiting for you."

"Sorry. It was that thing that I had to finish by the end of the day. Can you forgive me?" 

"It's already the second time today you ask for my forgiveness." 

"Ok, so maybe I need to do something more than what I have planned for tonight." 

"What did you plann?" 

"Something you like, but I don't think it's safe to say it here. You're mum is watching us." I say pointing Chas, at the counter, who smiles back at us.

"Come on, she's happy for us, and besides she can't hear."

"Oh I'm not so sure about it. But let's say that I want it to be a surprise." I say smiling at him.

"Mmm. I could like this surprise." He says kissing me.


	37. Chapter 37

15 April 2018

I was just talking to my mum yesterday about these last few months and how everything is almost perfect. We are definitely back on track and we are a proper family right now. Even my mum was incredibly happy, for us but for herself too. Her and Paddy decided to give another go at their relationship and I'm very happy about it. They are taking things slow but it's amazing seeing them together.

She saw that there was something bothering me though. "Love, you seem on another planet. What are you thinking about?"

"Robert." 

"Nothing new then." She says smiling.

"In a week is his birthday."

"Oh, ok, and you have planned a surprise haven't you?" 

"Actually not." I say shrugging.

"Well, what do you have in mind?"

"I don't know, what can I buy to someone who have everything?" 

"It doesn't need to be anything material." 

"So what are you thinking?"

"I don't know, a romantic dinner? There'll be something he likes. What he likes?" 

"I don't know." But I smile thinking that he always says that he likes me. 

"So a surprise party is a bad idea?" She asks me.

"Yeah the worst I think." 

"Better than nothing, you should be the one to know your other half not me." Says my mum.

"An holiday? Do you think it could be a good present?" I ask her.

"Sure. Anything in mind?" 

"Somewhere hot? He tried to bring us on holiday different times but it never ended well, maybe it's not a good idea." 

"Why not? You have a whole week to book something and make sure that everything will go as planned." 

"And what about Liv?"

"I don't think she'll mind to stay without you two for few weeks?"

"Few?"

"Well, I guess you won't want to go in Scotland, so why don't make the most of it?" And I start daydreaming how it will be like to stay fifteen days with Robert alone. Without anyone bothering us, telling us what to do. Spend the whole day in bed if we want, sleep under the sun, go around with a boat. I obviously decided it will be somewhere near the sea.

"Aaron!?" He says my mum shaking my arm.

"Yeah?"

"You were thinking about it, weren't you? Not so bad isn't it?" 

"Nah, we could have fun." - I say smiling. - "I only have to decide where now." 

 

I call Robert to taste the waters. 'Hey how is your day going?'

'Ehm fine?' - He answers not understanding. - 'Why? It's everything ok?' 

'Oh yes all amazing. I was wondering-'

'Sorry Aaron why are you calling on my phone and not at work?'

'You are the one telling me to not call at work to not take the line for some potential client.'

'Well now I might get a call to this number, so if you need me-'

'No, I only wanted to know if you are busy at work in the next weeks or so.'

'Ehm...no, I'm not.'

'Well, thank you for giving me few minutes of your precious time.' I say before hunging it up. Some times I wonder why I bother. It didn't seem like this, this morning. It seemed a bit more stressed in the lasts week thought, maybe an holiday is really what he needs.

 

Now I have only to decide where. I have a lot of possibly choices, I think, while I look on the travel website. But I decide to stay in Europe for a start. Now I only have to choose between Maldives, Baleares, Barcelona, Italy, Greece or Malta. It can't be so difficult can't it?

I always wanted to go to Ibiza, or some islands in general. I heard that Greece is good too. This year a lot of people I know booked for the south of Italy. Rome, Naples, all the Amalfitana coast, the small islands around there. Robert wanted for us to go to Barcelona few years ago. Well if we gonna stay together forever we'll have the time to go everywhere at least once anyway. I can look if it's possible doing a week in Barcellona and one around the Baleares maybe. It's Robert's birthday so Barcelona it is for sure since he seems to like it.

I spend few hours on the internet until I book everything. The flights, the hotel, nothing too classy because I don't have Robert's wallet but I believe to have done everything perfect. Five days in Barcellona and ten around the Baleares. 

I don't know where I have the strenght to make dinner after that but I'm happy and this is enough. I have all the kitchen to myself, I turn the radio on and I start looking between Robert's cook books if there is anything I could make. 

I'm so caught up in what I'm reading and with the music volume pretty loud that I don't realize Robert is home until I have his hands on my hips and his mouth on my neck. "Oh Aaron you are so sexy like this." He whispers in my ear and my cheecks flush red and I gasp in surprise. 

"Sexy?" I ask while he is pushing himself against my back showing me how happy he is to see me, while he bites my earlobe.

"Yeah, sexy. Aaron Dingle is so sexy, mmh." He says keeping torturing my ear. 

"Where is gone the nasty Robert who answered me at the phone this morning?" 

"I left him outside the house?" He answeres hoping to be apologized.

"You better. Robert are you sure everything is alright?" 

"Mmm mmm." He mumbles in my neck leaving me a kiss there.

" Well I'm not so sure about that, you seem pretty stressed in this period so..." - I say turning in his arms to face him. - "I think you deserve an holiday. And lucky you, your birthday is a week away so I have this amazing present ready for you."

He seems taken aback for few moments. "You booked us an holiday?" 

"I could have." I smirk.

"Really? And where are you going to bring me?"

"It's a surprise! I'll tell you the right day, but make sure to put some shorts and tshirts in the bag and a lot of swimsuits."

"You are amazing." He says before planting a kiss on my lips. After few seconds he pushes me against the counter and leaves his hands wander below the belt.

"Wait!" - I say pushing him with a hand on his chest. - "We should reserve this for our holiday."

"With Liv around? I'm sure I could start having some fun here." 

"Oh don't worry about that. We'll be on our own."

"Seriously? I'm gonna spend two weeks with you Mr Sugden?" He says, planting another kiss on my lips.

"Only us."

"Mmh." - He says kissing my neck. - "We have never done an holiday on our own. You have no idea of all the things I'm gonna do to you."

"We can't spend two weeks in bed you know that?"

"Why not? Room service and it's all sorted."

"I don't think so, I have to pay for it, and it's not cheap, trust me, so we are gonna see and visit everything possibile."

"Another reason for going on with this right now." Robert says unbuckling my belt.

"Ok, permession granted." I say smiling and pushing myself against him, giving him another kiss with the promise of a lot more.


	38. Chapter 38

6 May 2018

It's the last day here, or better the last night.

We had so much fun, life's been easier, if it makes any sense. We have chosen the right time of the year, it wasn't too hot but the water was hot enough to swim. And we've been lucky, we have found two amazing weeks of sun.

Despite what Robert said at first, we have tried to not wake up late and stay out more possible until we were dead and not even a good round of sex was a choice. 

Barcelona at the end was for the first days all dedicated to the historic part of the city, we didn't go to the beach a lot, while when we went to the Baleares we were almost always in the water, we went to any beach, any reef possible. And when we couldn't reach some spot walking, we rented a boat. It was so much fun. Me and Robert on a boat sunbathing, diving, staring at each others, kissing, so much kissing.

I spent almost every day seeing him in his swimsuit and every time it seemed the first one. I was never tired to watch him. When he was all wet and he was coming back on the boat, it seemed to watch one of those tv advertisment of profume and I was seeing him in slow motion in the same way. Dripping water, with those eyes looking at me, I had to restrict myself because the risk to been arrested for public indecency was pretty high. The things went worse after few days, once the sun started to do his effect. 

His hair became even blonder if it was possible and if I loved them before, now was even worse. I think he did noticed that, I spent every single moment possibile running my hands between them, while we where kissing, while we were on the bed and he was sleeping by my side. During sex, I think to have pulled them out a few times.

But it was nothing compared to his body, all tanned and that worked so well on his freckles. And everyone knew I loved those freckles. But them now where showing even more, it was like a beautiful map. One night, I spent I don't know how much time tracing every one of them with my tongue, at the end of it Robert was a right mess.

But the thing was for both of us. I don't know how many times I heard Robert saying how beautiful I was. His obsession was tracing the line left by the swimsuit on my legs, my hips, my back, my navel. It was like a border he couldn't pass, and it spent ages there kissing me. 

All this gave to the sex sessions extra time. Usually after the day, once back in our hotel room we spent hours naked workshipping each other bodies, despite the tiredness. We didn't ever have so much time to dedicate to our sex life at home.

But obviously it didn't happen only in our hotel room, but outside too, bar's toilets, changing room, car, in the woods. The one that I remember the most, was one day when we booked a canoa and started going along the coast. For the whole day we exchanged some dirty looks, until we reached an inlet which entered inside the reef opening up on a big cave. The water was crystalline. We went off the canoa and we could stand with the water reaching our knees. From there you could see four holes, two towards the ceiling where the light came in, the entrance we used and another which you could cross only going underwater. It was something amazing. And after a first moment we ended to doing it here. The problem was the echo of the cave. Once outside there was a family there. I don't know how long they have been there, but for sure if there was someone outside had a full show.

During the holiday I learnt to swim a little bit better. Robert is a very good swimmer, he fells confortable in the sea, I wasn't so happy at first, but after few days of snorkeling side by side with Robert I felt I could go anywhere and he made me know a new world. One where there aren't any problems, or bad thoughts, or anger. The peace of follow a fish swimming, the silence of dive in the deep and cold water, the feeling on the lips when we kissed sat on the bottom of the sea. 

Weird enough for me, I'll have a lot of picture of this holiday. I didn't know that Robert had a new camera hidden somewhere. At the beginning I wasn't very keen to be in the photos, but I learnt Robert is a really good photographer. There is anything that that man can't do? Once while he was under the shower I snooped through his camera. I have to say he took some good photos, a lot are about me while I wasn't looking and they are really good. Since then we took some in the bedroom too, but the best were in the water, we enjoied so much taking them. I took the camera too and we filled the memory card with everything and nothing. But there is one photo that I want printed or at least saved on the PC or phone. One where we were kissing under the water. It took us a lot of time taking it between a giggle and another but at the end it became my favourite. 

Robert dragged me around in different restaurants to try the tipical food. 

Wasn't different with the night clubs, but at the end Robert himself said there was too much people and he didn't want someone make a move at me. So we usually took a walk hand in hand, we took something to drink somewhere, an ice cream and we sat outside until my head crushed on his shoulder and I was ready to sleep.

 

Right now I'm laying on the bonnet of a rented car with Robert beside me. We are by the sea, no noise around us apart the sound of the waves. We are peacefully looking at the sky after having a picnic on the beach.

Without shoes, feet still dirty of sand, hair slightly wet from the last swim of our holiday and hands entangled together.

"I don't want to leave." I say abruptly.

"Neither do I." 

"During these weeks here I had so much fun with you. I didn't think I could enjoy so much."

"You thought I was boring?" 

"No, not at all, but I never thought I could enjoy an holiday so much." 

"Oh, I'm glad you enjoyed It." He says placing a small kiss on my lips and then placing his head on my chest, still looking at the sky. It's usually the other way around but I know he actually likes being hugged.

I almost fall asleep, when I start feeling the cool breez from the sea, but I'm brought back by a stripe in the sky. "Robert did you see it?" - I say abruptly, making wince him. - "There." I say pointing a spot in the sky.

"What?"

"A comet."

"Seriously? Did you make a wish?" 

"Obviously."

"Tell me." He says turning his face towards me.

"Don't you know how it works? If I tell you, it won't happen." 

"And do you believe it?"

"Better not risk it."

"Now I'm curious." 

"Ahahah I won't tell you. Try to see one you too, so you'll have your own wish." 

"It's not the right period of the year for the comets."

"I saw one."

"It's so peacefull here." - He says after a while. - "Look, there are so many stars, who knows, maybe in another galassy, in another system, there is another planet and there is a couple like us looking at the sky right in this moment." 

"Mmm so deep, but I don't thinks so." I answer. 

"Why?"

"Because no one can love somebody like I do."

"Why? I love you more than...wait what? What do you have just said?"

"That your thought was really deep."

"No, after that."

"That I don't think there is another couple like us."

"You know very well what I mean, you said the L word." He says stretching up and looking at me.

"Did I?" I say keeping teasing him. I didn't want to tell him, but it escaped. Anyway it's the truth.

"Stop it!" - He says slapping my chest. - "Well, I don't care what you say, I can actually tell you that I love you." He says looking me in the eyes, while I try to keep my act together when in fact those few words moved the world inside me. Despite everything we've been through, it was like starting again from the principle after all this time, and so it's a special moment for me. And I can't be more happy. In a night in Mallorca under the stars hugging Robert.

He looks at me for few seconds but when he sees that he won't have any answer he set himself back on my chest looking at the sky. 

"See." - I say after few minutes." - I did the right thing not telling you what I had wished." 

"Why?" He slightly whisper.

"Because you said me you loved me."

This startles him back, he turns to look at me again and despite the darkness of the night I know it's lightly taken aback. "So it's true?"

"It's true." - I say smiling and I'm pushed against the car even more when he deeply kisses me and then he places his arms around my neck in a warm and tight embrace. - "Oh you have no idea how much I was scared about that." He breaths in my neck.

"Yeah me too." 

 

We settle back to our previous positions. We have still time until the flight. "Look! There she is!" He says pointing at the comet.

"Where?" 

"It's just passed there. By the Big Dipper." 

"The what?"

"The Big Dipper. It's a costellation of our galassy."

"How do you know this stuff?"

"My mum told me when I was a kid. She was really smart, Aaron. I'm sorry you can't meet her. I know you would like her and she would like you too. I'm sure of that." He says with a bit of sadness in his voice. 

"I would have loved to meet your mum." - I say planting a kiss on his head. - "So I could have told her how much annoying you are." 

He doesn't say anything back for few minutes maybe lost in his thoughts of his childhood. "So, let's see if I can teach you something Dingle." - Robert says poking at my chest. - "See that square shape, the four stars there?" 

"Yeah, ok."

"From the one up on the left, you see three stars making a handle?"

"Mmm mmm." I mumble.

"Ok that is the wagon." 

"Ok it looks like it." 

"Then there is the Little Dipper..." I hear Robert starting but I think I drifted off in the middle of it. I have to tell him how is relaxing hearing his voice one of these times. 

 

"Aaron, Aaron." I feel Robert caressing my face, trying to wake me up.

"Yeah?" I say in my sleep state.

"Someone fell asleep. Do you know we have a plane to catch?" 

"I don't want to leave." 

"I know, you have already told me." - He says giving me another kiss. - "I promise you, we will come back here at least once. I fell in love of this place and I made some amazing memories here."

 

The flight went smooth, I slept on Robert's shoulder for all the time.

We have a room booked in the hotel right by the airport because it is too late to go back to the village.

We are waiting for our bags after the landing and I'm a bit asleep. Despite being late night the airport is still crowded. 

We are about to go to take the taxi that will bring us to the hotel when someone bumps into Robert's shoulder. "Excuse me." Says a blond girl, before running outside to take her taxi. I don't have enough time to understand what is happening. 

"Wait!" Robert shouts, but it's too late and she is already in the taxi. 

"Who she was?" I ask Robert once we put the bags inside our taxi.

"The girl we met the day we got back together, in town. Do you remember? She was arguing with a man."

"Ok? So?" 

"She was her, she had the same tattoo."

"How do you remember a tattoo? Do you know her?" 

"No, I don't...I don't know, I was only...forget about it." I'm not convinced but I leave it. 

 

After barely few minutes the taxi stops in front of the hotel. Once we go inside and we are about to do the check in I hear Robert shouting again. "Hey you, wait." And he runs towards the lift where the same blond girl of before is just entered. Again he can't reach her in time.

"Can you please tell me her room number?" He asks to the girl at the hotel desk.

"No, I can't sorry Sir." 

"I'd only like to know her name." 

"I can't give this kind of information." He seems angry about it but then he takes something from the desk and he turns towards me with a pin in his hands, the girl must have dropped it. 

"Maybe this could be useful." He says with a smirk, giving me the pin with a white swan on it.

 

"Now tell me everything there is about it." - I ask him once we are in our room. - "If you want my help." 

"Aaron I don't know who she is, it could be dangerous digging." 

"Well you do know obviously something and if it's dangerous why you keep doing It?" 

"Fine." - He says once it's evident I won't let it drop. - "I don't know her and I didn't ever met her before. But she has the same tatoo she had a girl I met ages ago. And I think there is a link and I want to know what it is." 

"Come on, go on, who was that girl? Why do you think it's dangerous?"

"Can't we leave it like that and you'll trust me and stop asking about it?"

"No we can't. I want to know, I need to know what you are getting yourself into. I need to be prepared." 

"It's nothing big, I think... Actually I have no idea." - He looks at me and then he goes on. - "Fine....after my dad told me to leave, I went in London, hoping to find some luck, anything at all. I didn't have clothes, money, mates, anything. So I did have to find a way to go on, on my own. I tried to find a job as a mechanic or a bartender, everything was fine at the moment. I only had my car that was my home for few weeks until someone stole it or took it away. - "He says without looking at me. - "But this isn't important anyway-" 

"Yes, it is, it must have been a nightmare, why didn't you tell me all this before?" 

"It's not all...I ended with street people for few days until a guy found me. At the moment was the best option I had." 

"But it wasn't good wasn't it?"

"No, it wasn't. I mean the guy was a good bloke but he brought me not in a good place, let's say. He was a drug dealer, that like me was found by a man and started working for him in exchange we had a place to live. He was our boss, his name was Luke. He was a good person if you did what he wanted. And long story short, I did this job, if we want to call it like that, for a long time, until I decided it was enough. I paid back all the debts I had with him and I said I didn't want to work for him anymore."

"He didn't take it well?"

"Obviously not, he left me  
semiconscious in an alley for I don't know how long. I don't know why no one found me or maybe someone saw me but they didn't want to get involved in any problem. Anyway a night where I was pretty out of it, I saw that girl. She was arguing with a big man in a foreign language. I watched them for a bit until the man became violent, I had to do something. I tried to stop him but once he noticed I was there he bluntly took out a knife and killed her."

"What?"

"I was shocked too but I managed in some way to come by her side once the man run away and was then that I saw that tatoo. For the girl sadly was too late. Maybe if I wouldn't be there maybe she would still be alive, maybe she could have been saved. Instead there was me and I was a mess."

"You can't blame yourself, it's not your fault."

"You don't know that." 

"It's for this reason you want to know who she was?"

"I want to apologize to her family, maybe the two girls knew each other. I don't know."

"What happened after that?"

"I run away. I left her dead and I run. I couldn't allow anybody to find me near the body. I was the right person to blame."

"You did nothing. You should have told the police."

"No one would ever believed me in that condition. And who knows what I had in my body, alcohol, drugs. I was a mess."

"You could have recognised the attacker."

"I couldn't, like I said everything was blurred, it was dark. I only know it was a big and tall bloke. I don't have idea how his face looked like." 

"Ok, fine. Why did you keep secret all these things from me?" 

"It's in the past and it was a bad period I didn't want to remember about it. I spent years after that having nightmares about that night, all the blood escaping from that girl neck. It was enough. Just so you know, you know the worst, it went better after it." 

I look him in the eyes and I decide to leave it for now. "Fine. So what it is your plan to meet her?" 

"I have to understand where this pin comes from. For sure it means something. A local, a pub, a night club, a shop, anything but it must represent something."

"Do you want to look for it on internet?" I ask once I see he takes out the pc from a bag. I think he never used it during all the holiday, which in this moment seems happened ages ago.

"Yeah, I know it's late but I want to give a try. Why don't you jump in the shower while I am at it?" He says smiling.

 

 

Once I get back from the shower with only a towel around my waist I see Rob completely lost in his pc. "So? Have you found anything?"

"Yes, look." He says pointing at the screen.

"What?" I ask sitting besides him on the bed.

"Look, it's the same, like that tatoo. It's the website of a casinò." 

"Yes it seems the same."

"No, it's the same. Look there is the address too." 

"Well, it's amazing, maybe they are all working there."

"Yeah maybe they are. It's weird she didn't want to talk to me though. I think there is more to it."

"Or maybe not. You were a complete stranger and you were harassering her."

"No, I wasn't!" He says smiling.

"Well, now you could close the computer, you could hold me and we could sleep because I'm really tired and in the next days we could go there together. What do you think?" 

"That I will like more the holding part if you take off this dump towel." Robert says before pulling me closer under the cover. Not before taking off the towel of course. I think that tomorrow morning I'll wake up very happy.


	39. Chapter 39

12 May 2018

It's a Saturday and I think it's the right day to go to that casinò. I told Aaron my idea and he said he wants to come with me. 'No chance I'll be there on my own.'

It should be the day with more chance to find her and if we won't we always can enjoy ourselves. Actually isn't exactly our kind of place.

The casinò is called the White Swan, obviously, and it's just outside town.

Despite being very isolated, we manage to find it easily. There is a big blue neon sign outside with the name. It might be quite famous from the cars parked outside.

We find a spot and we go towards the entrance, where there are some people speaking cosily, obviously doing something they shouldnt. 

Inside it seems better the atmosphere. There is the main part all filled with slot machines, while on the right there are few tables crowded by people that are making their bets, and on the left there is a relaxing zone if we can call it like that, where the people drink, and chat before their next game. We go at the end of the local where there's the counter of the bar.

We order two pints and start looking around for something suspicious.

"How can men waste all that money in something like this?" I say looking at those people completely lost in their games.

"Well you can earn a lot of money if you win."

"Yeah but you can loose a lot of money if you don't. And trust me the chances to win something are really low. The owners here have to earn otherwise you wouldn't open a place like this. It's only a rip-off trust me."

"So you aren't a bit tempted?"

"No, I'm not. Why I should waste my money that I spent hours to earn?" 

"Because you could earn a lot more."

"Are you really serious about it?" - I ask him. - "You could become an addicted, isn't bringing you anything good. Trust me. It's like a drug."

"Ok, ok, calm down. I won't do anything I promise." - Aaron says placing a hand on mine trying to reassuring me. - "So did you see anything suspicious?"

"Why? It doesn't have to be suspicious. We are only looking for a girl."

"Look." - Aaron says standing up and taking from a table a coaster, like the pin with a swan on it. - "We are for sure in the right place."

"Maybe we could ask few questions to the bartender." - I propose. - "Sorry, mate." - I try, seeing the young guy at the counter. - "Do you mind if I ask you some questions?" 

"Shoot." 

"Do you know a blonde girl, who used to come around here? She is slim, has bright blu eyes and long blonde hair. She should be young, less than thirty, and maybe from the East Europe." 

"Why do you ask about her?" - Says absentely the guy. - "She's your lost girlfriend?"

"No, not at all. I only...ehm...I met her once and I have to give her something, she lend me, back." - He doesn't answer. - "So do you know her?"

"There are a lot of blonde girls coming here. I could have seen her or not. I can't remember all the people that come here, unless are usual clients."

"Yeah okay." - I say glancing at Aaron, not very convinced by that answer. - "And what about this pin?" I ask placing it on the counter.

"Yeah they are from here, there are a lot of things made with the simbol of the White Swan on them."

"You make them?"

"Yeah we make them, we sell this sort of stuff like souvenirs. There is the coaster, the pin, the mug and other gadgets."

"So there isn't a special meaning behind them?"

"Not that I know, no." 

"Have you ever seen someone coming back here wearing this pin?"

"Yeah it happened that I served people with that pin."

"Ok and what kind of people?"

"I don't know, the kind of people coming here in this place. The usual, rich guys, most of all men. I don't know anything else, sorry."

"Yeah, not problem mate." 

Me and Aaron give our backs to the counter. "Do you believe him?" I ask Aaron. 

"Well, let's say I'm not really convinced."

"Yeah, me neither. It seemed he knew something more, but he didn't want to say it."

"Or he wasn't allowed to." 

"Yeah."

"So what do you want to do? Have you something in mind?"

"We didn't see anyone wearing that pin today. Maybe we could come another day." 

"Or maybe we could leave this all thing."

"You said you would have helped me and you think that this place is dodgy too." 

"Yeah, but maybe we are getting ourselves in some dangerous stuff."

"Or maybe that pin is only for a group of people who play pocker here on a wednesnay night." I blow out.

"Ok let's go home for now. And maybe we can come back another day of the week hoping to have better luck."

"Fine, let's go." I'm sure there is something that we don't know. And those girls where involved in this. And I'll go at the end of this. With or without Aaron.


	40. Chapter 40

1 June 2018

The last weeks after our holyday I've been really busy. I had to go back at work and put everything back on track. I confided in Jimmy and Nicola to manage the haulage company, but obviously Nicola caught a flue and Jimmy alone is pretty useless. So I had to call few clients back, arrange few meetings and do some delivers on my own.

Aaron wasn't lucky neither. After few days back we learnt that Liv was caught drinking again, with Gabby, and despite all the chats with Chas and Aaron grounding her, things didn't change. He decided to keep an eye on her but Adam wasn't very keen to work on his own. Not that I can blame him, Aaron didn't exactly work hard in the last period.

Anyway being in a business with your best mate can be useful sometimes. They agreed that Aaron could work only in the morning, after making sure that Liv went to school.

Basically since we came back we've barely seen each other. With me working late and everything else.

But today it seems that everything is settled back. At least from my side. Liv keeps being a question mark. Anyway I decide to go home early and at least make dinner. I'm a bit tired of take away right now. 

I decide to put an end to the White Swan story too. Having the next week quite free, I'll pop there every night and if by the end of the week nothing will happen, I'll leave it. I promise it to myself. I need only to say this to Aaron now. 

 

"Anyone home?" I shout once I put foot inside the Mill and there isn't apparently any light on.

"Rob." - Says Aaron coming down the stairs with few clothes to iron, not that he'll actually iron those. - "What are you doing already home?"

"What, not happy to see me?" I ask putting my hands on his waist.

"Very." - He says placing a kiss on my lips. - "I miss you when you leave me alone, you know that." 

"I finished work so I decided to come here early and cook you something." 

"Liv's upstairs." 

"Ok, so I'll make you two dinner."

"Ok, I can't wait." Says Aaron going to put the basket laundry away.

"Wait, ehm...I was thinking to go again to the White Swan after."

"Don't you have to wake up early tomorrow?"

"No, actually, I can manage work better than in the last weeks at the moment. So, what do you think? We could have dinner, then relax and wait for Liv to go to bed and then go."

"Ok, fine." He says with a little smile. 

 

We are just chilling on the sofa with my arm around his shoulder and his head on mine watching another Top Gear episode like most nights.

Like in the last couple of days I feel, after few minutes, Aaron starting breathing deeply. He fell asleep.

I leave him like this for few hours and I close my eyes too but not before putting the allarm on.

When I hear the firsts notes of Tylor Swift leaving my phone I wake up. Aaron is still deeply asleep. 

I try to move myself in order to stand up without waking Aaron but I've barely put my feet on the floor and I hear him whispering my name. "Where are you going?"

"To the casino, like we decided."

"Oh, right, can you go on your own?"

"I thought you wanted to come too."

"Yeah but I'm knackered and I'm not feeling well, I think I caught something. I had a headache and sore throat the whole day."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"It's nothing big, but I only want to sleep right now."

"Come on you need to go to bed and stay warm." I say pulling him up. 

 

"I won't stay too long." - I say putting the covers on him. - "Tomorrow you'll wake up next to me."

"You better." He says smiling. 

I place a kiss on his forehead and he doesn't seems very hot luckily. "Come on, go." He says to me.

 

I'm at the casino's counter again having a drink, but it's getting boring. I don't notice anything different apart that it's more crowded than the other day. "Hey, do you think to stay there all night? You have finished that drink ages ago. There is any particolar reason why are you still here?" Asks me the bartender.

"Ehm, yeah I'll go." I pay my drink and I walk away from the counter when I see two big guys, who could have been bodybuilders, by the look of them, wearing black leather jackets, going towards a door, which only now I notice is controlled by a guy, who let them go throught without any problems though.

They could be the owners or workers of this place but they don't relay exactly calm. I decide to wait few minutes and wait to see if they come out again. But nothing happens.

I'm about to exit towards the front door when it's opened and a man all dressed up with a suit comes in. He's middle aged, in his forties, followed by other two. Both older, maybe over fiftys, in suits too. You could think they are about to go to a meeting rather than in a casino. They could have been guys with whom I work with, without any problem.

They go towards the door where I've seen the two big men walk throught before. They take out from a pocket the White Swan pin and put it on the suits.

Once they are by the door. The man in front of it checks the pins and leave them go through.

I'm about to follow them but I remember that I don't have the pin with me. Anyway now all makes sense. Actually nothing makes sense but at least I know that that pin is a pass for whatever there is on the other side of that door.


End file.
